The Telecrapper.
We have recently learned that Barack Obama is “addicted†to the teleprompter. I suppose this is not very surprising given how busy he has been destroying the free-market economy saving the United States, the free world the planet. In fact, we also learned that doing all this changey stuff has him a bit “overwhelmed,†so much so that he often forgets how to manage some very basic things.
Hence the Telecrapper.
PRS Operatives have learned that the President has had a Telecrapper, a specially designed teleprompter-like device, installed in each of the private bathrooms in the White House. As such, when the President feels a bathroom Urge of The Second Kind, he flips a switch on the Telecrapper for some necessary prompting.
PRS has managed to get an exclusive, first-hand look at the device and its associated script:
UNBUCKLE BELT
UNBUTTON TROUSERS
UNZIP FLY
PULL TROUSERS DOWN
PULL UNDERWEAR DOWN
SIT
SQUEEZE/PUSH (IT’S OK TO PEE TOO)
LISTEN FOR PLOP/SPLASH
UNROLL SOME TOILET PAPER (THE SOFT STUFF IS OK; YOU’RE THE PRESIDENT)
FOLD OR CRUMPLE (YOUR CHOICE)
WIPE AND REPEAT WITH MORE PAPER UNTIL PAPER IS CLEAN
DROP SOILED PAPER INTO TOILET
FLUSH
STAND
PULL UNDERWEAR UP
PULL TROUSERS UP
TUCK IN SHIRT/BUTTON TROUSERS
ZIP FLY
BUCKLE BELT
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED YOUR BIOTASK.
We were informed that last week the President tried to kick his Telecrapper addiction, cold turkey, and he forgot the “Pull Underwear Down†step. Joe Biden was called to help clean up.
Reliable sources tell us that the President has a similar script loaded into his Blackberry for those occasions when he is away from the White House.
The Karaoke President.
You know, even the dim bulbs on American Idol are expected to know the words.
Comment by Joan of Argghh! — March 8, 2009 @ 12:38 pm
In a similar note, I have taken to refering to my bathroom visits as “dropping Obama off at the pool.”
Comment by LeeAnn — March 8, 2009 @ 1:13 pm
I hope you’re not audited by the IRS.
Comment by Kevin — March 8, 2009 @ 1:41 pm
Jim,
Either the PRS operatives are slipping, or this country is in worse shape than we think. I didn’t see anything anywhere that told Barry to make sure the wipes were vertical and not horizontal nor diagonal. I certainly hope he isn’t walking around with a stink butt…
LeeAnn, I refer to it as taking a Pelosi…
Comment by Aspergantus — March 8, 2009 @ 2:27 pm
Another classic post… Enhanced by LeeAnn’s comment. Just glad I did not have a beverage while reading…
Comment by jck — March 8, 2009 @ 3:15 pm
Again with the obsession with rear ends. Definite issues with readers of this blog.
Comment by Harvey Milk — March 8, 2009 @ 3:33 pm
Yo, Harvey,
You’re on thin ice.
Jimbo
P.S. Speaking of rear ends, pretty nifty name you’ve chosen.
Comment by Jim — March 8, 2009 @ 4:49 pm
The visuals in my head of him trying to wipe with his underwear still up made me laugh too hard.
Comment by Serenity — March 8, 2009 @ 7:10 pm
Awesome!
Comment by Doug — March 8, 2009 @ 10:10 pm
Inquiring minds want to know what Michelle thinks about those teleprompters in her bedroom…
Comment by Teresa — March 9, 2009 @ 12:14 am
I guess another instance where Obama takes from our favorite Jersey son, Springsteen. Springsteen has been using a teleprompter for years. You can see it when you are behind the stage because it sits stage level under some plexiglass.
Just goes to show how dumb Obama really is. If you need a teleprompter to remind you to say “Hope”, “Change” and “Believe”……then things may be worse than originally thought.
Comment by RobbieRob — March 9, 2009 @ 8:17 am
If only he’d get a laugh track to go along with the teleprompter!
Comment by Ed Flinn — March 9, 2009 @ 12:29 pm
…. we’re so screwed…..
Comment by Eric — March 9, 2009 @ 2:19 pm
Hahahahahaha!! So funny! Scary – but funny!
Comment by Richmond — March 10, 2009 @ 12:18 pm
My hip hurts
Comment by poopsmith — April 3, 2009 @ 5:31 pm