May 28, 2009

Where’s My Goddamned Mail?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:14 pm

Before we left for vacation, I used the United States Postal Service website to place a hold on my mail. I have done this several times in the past, and it worked flawlessly.

Not this goddamned time.

The accumulated mail was supposed to be delivered on Saturday, May 23rd. By around 4 P.M. that day when the mail had not arrived, I called the 1-800 “Customer Service” number printed on the confirmation of my mail-hold. After several waves of robo-prompts, I reached a human, gave her my mail-hold confirmation number and described the problem. She apologized on behalf of the government and said she would be sending a notification to my local post office of the problem and asked if I would like a follow-up call. She explained that our local post office was closed and that, because Monday is a holiday (Memorial Day), our mail would not be delivered until Tuesday. She provided me with a confirmation number of our call.

Annoying, but OK. Things sometimes happen.

Tuesday, May 25th rolled around. The local post office called Mrs. Parkway early in the day. The local guy obviously didn’t read the “notification” as he said only “We’ve been notified that you have a complaint.” After she said that it was more of an inquiry than a complaint, she explained that the mail wasn’t delivered on Saturday as it should have been pursuant to the dates on the mail-hold.

He left the phone to check. He returned to the phone and said, “The mail is not in the bin, so it must be on the truck. I will probably be delivered today.”

You guessed it. The goddamned mail was not delivered on Tuesday. I again called the 1-800 “Customer Service” number and, after re-suffering through the robo prompts I gave the new lady my previous confirmation number and explained that my mail still had not been delivered. She proffered the canned apology for my inconvenience and sent yet another “notification, this time “For Immediate Attention.” She said that I would get a follow up phone call and my mail delivered on Wednesday, May 26th.

Wednesday, May 26th – No goddamned mail delivery.

I was too angry to suffer again through the 1-800 “Customer Service” prompts, and I vowed that the next day I would call the goddamned local post office directly. It was then I learned that there is no goddamned way for me to get the goddamned phone number of my goddamned local post office. I don’t know if this is true all over the country, but I tried 411, Google and my goddamned local phone directory. They all provided the goddamn 1-800 “Customer Service” number.

This morning, I made my THIRD call to the 1-800 “Customer Service” number and re-re-suffered through the robo prompts. When I got yet another new lady, I explained that I had already called their number twice and I still have not received my mail. She asked, “Would you like me to document that?” which meant yet another useless “notification.” I explained that their “notifications” obviously mean nothing to my post office and that I was tired of making phone calls. All I want is my mail.

She asked, “Have you called your local post office?” Staining to keep a civil tongue in my mouth, I explained that there was no way for me to get the phone number of my local post office. I thought she might have known that, but maybe there is something particularly secretive about my local post office.

She replied, “I can give you the phone number,” and she did. She said, “It’s best to call directly,” and she asked if I would like someone to call me. I said, “No, I just want my mail.”

I called the local post office, and Joe Postal Worker answered the phone. Knowing this was the first time he would be hearing the story, I calmly explained that my mail delivery had been held for delivery until Saturday and, here it is Thursday and I still have no mail. I explained that I had already made three calls to the 1-800 “Customer Service” number.

He took my name and address, and I thought, “At last. Someone will find my mail.” Wrong.

He said that he would transfer me to the “Carrier Supervisor.” Sweet Jesus Christ!

The Carrier Supervisor came to the phone and, of course, I had to explain the entire saga yet again. He put me on hold while he went to “check.” He returned to the phone and said, (Are you ready?) “It’s not in the bin, so it must be on the truck. It should be delivered today.”

I said, “Wait. I was told that on Tuesday and my mail was not delivered.” He said, maybe your carrier was out for a few days? I thought, What? The “Carrier Supervisor” doesn’t know whether a particular mail carrier was out? And, if my mail carrier is out, that means I get no mail?.

I asked, “What should I do if the mail is not delivered today?”

“Call again,” was his response.

I said, “No, my next call will be to the Postal Inspector.” He wasn’t impressed.

Guess who didn’t get any goddamned mail today? Yes, that would be me. In sum, the post office failed to deliver the mail on Saturday, on Tuesday, on Wednesday and on Thursday.

Tomorrow I plan on driving to the post office and telling them in person to find my goddamned mail. I don’t want to hear any shit about it “not being in the bin.” I don’t give a shit where it isn’t. I want to know where it is and I want to know NOW.

Your goddamned tax dollars at work.


  1. Since the U.S. Postal (dis-)Service is always whining about how expensive it is to deliver mail, maybe they decided to start cutting that cost with YOUR mail.

    Since the Post Orifice (I’ll let you guess which orifice I think they are) is a Gummit-mandated monopoly, I’m thinking that offering to call your Congresscritter to lodge a complaint might get their attention.

    Comment by Dave Merriman — May 28, 2009 @ 10:45 pm

  2. But nooo they swear the post office is a private company now with no government affiliation…Right….

    Comment by hammer — May 28, 2009 @ 10:56 pm

  3. Jim, you should move to rural NC like I did. Never a line in the PO, I know the 2 friendly clerks by name, and our mail is always held and delivered flawlessly. Customer service in the Northeast is usually of the Soup Nazi vein, at best, so we left.

    Comment by Ernie Nilsen — May 28, 2009 @ 11:48 pm

  4. I’m waiting for the next question:
    “Just how many pieces of mail are you missing, Mr. Jimbo?”

    …and then his head exploded.

    Comment by Jerry in Indiana — May 29, 2009 @ 12:15 am

  5. It gets worse every year. Honestly! I trudge down to the downtown Denver USPS office at least once a week and I have to endure DIMWITS processing my transactions with the passion of a bloated man taking an ordinary dump in the local outhouse! Jeez! If I hear one more bland, “I can help the next person”, I am going to stab myself in the temples with a very sharp knife! These f*cktards that work in the USPS belong in mental institutions! They are idiots! And I love how the government simply finances another pay raise for these dolts simply by fiat…by increasing the first-class postal rate every two years by approximately 2 cents! It’s like clockwork! I have been observing this nonsense for the past forty years. The dumb F*cks! They should all be tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail. Goddamn it! I want to see some vigilante action in America again to take control of law and order! Friggin’ children of the 1950’s and 1960’s have hijacked common sense! Bah!

    Comment by Lee — May 29, 2009 @ 2:49 am

  6. Etymology question: Does f*cktard come from f*ck and bastard or from f*ck and retard?

    Comment by Curious — May 29, 2009 @ 5:08 am

  7. Sort of O/T, but I complained (directly to the local Postmaster himself) about a truly rude lady working the counter once and all hell broke loose and they actually demoted her to the back where she couldn’t inflict herself on people. She still glares at people from behind the boxes in back.

    If you’re lucky (?) you’ll have a better time talking directly to the local Postmaster, even if you have to make an appointment to see him/her.

    Comment by dogette — May 29, 2009 @ 8:13 am

  8. And that is why I have a post office box for what might be important mail as well as a mail box in front of the house…and when I am gone a neighbor picks up my mail.

    Comment by GUYK — May 29, 2009 @ 8:51 am

  9. Well, Jimbo……I fully blame this on the failed policies of the radical El Uno Administration. Did you ever think that El Uno has targeted you for your blaspemous comments and not showing enough love and adoration of El Uno?
    Or….it could be that your mail guy is like that cat I read about in the paper who took everyone’s mail and hid the stuff in a self storage locker.

    Either way it sucks but blaming it on El Uno is simply more fun.

    Comment by RobbieRob — May 29, 2009 @ 8:51 am

  10. Curious: yes.

    Comment by LeeAnn — May 29, 2009 @ 11:34 am

  11. Back up a minute. If the carrier is out he just keeps the mail in the truck? The Supervisor is OK with this? Does he take the truck home like the local cop? Why, to deter the UPS and FedEx guys?

    Comment by hoosierboy — May 29, 2009 @ 11:38 am

  12. You could say you’re calling the police as you believe your mail has now been stolen… really – if it can’t be found then it’s been stolen and that is a federal offense. I think the threat of police coming in would get things moving. Talk to the Post Master of the local Post Office and tell him/her that will be the result if they don’t find your mail right now! It’s been a week – that’s long enough to find anything.

    I NEVER ask the post office to do stuff – ever. We can’t even get the local carrier to deliver mail to the correct address. When I put mail on hold – I don’t give a delivery date… I take the extra time and hassle and head to the post office to pick it up. At least then I know I’ll get my mail. If I rely on them to deliver it – it could end up in just about any box along the route.

    After all, I often get neighbor’s mail. Now days I don’t bother to be nice and drop it off… after the first 20 times I just started putting it back in the box and raising the flag. I am not paid to deliver the mail. However, if I get other people’s mail – who gets mine?

    I wonder if that’s what happened to your mail – they delivered to the wrong address. OR they are looking in the wrong bin. Geeze.

    Comment by Teresa — May 29, 2009 @ 12:40 pm

  13. Gotta agree with #3 Ernie Nilsen.

    Here in rural north-central PA its just two folks in the post office (only one at a time) and one on the road. Friendly, personal service. Of course that might be because everyone knows where they live….

    I have found it quite a bit nicer to deal with folks out here than it was in Morrs County, NJ. Even if the time it takes to get things done is a little slower, it’s always much more pleaasant.

    Comment by joated — May 29, 2009 @ 12:46 pm

  14. You think you have problems? Why not spend some time in the Brooklyn Post Office?


    Comment by Erica — May 29, 2009 @ 6:38 pm

  15. My first thoughts were along the line of Hoosierboy’s. He keeps the mail in his truck when he’s out?

    OK, it is the 29th now. I need an update…

    Comment by Bou — May 29, 2009 @ 8:20 pm

  16. Geez, Erica, for a minute I thought I was at the San Francisco post office. 😉 God, if I was the clerk, I’d be laughing at him too! Heh.

    Comment by JerryK — May 29, 2009 @ 9:22 pm

  17. Golly Gee Wizz…This fellow shur does like the Godd… word. I’m just grateful that he is not my neighbor, nor am I related to him, two good reasons why not to live in the Northeast…Thank GOD !! I’m sure you could pay $15 a letter at UPS or FedEx and get much better service. What do you expect for 44c ?? The ol’ sayin’ goes…you get what you pay for….Buanas Dias Senior…

    Comment by Jeff — May 29, 2009 @ 9:52 pm

  18. You should report the problem to your local Postmaster or Postmistress. If that doesn’t get action take the matter to your Congressional Representative. They are paid to serve the people.

    Comment by Kevin — May 29, 2009 @ 10:18 pm

  19. Jeff:

    Thank you for your enlightened observations. If you were my neighbor or my relative, you would know that I’m a goddamned prince.

    You’d be OK in the Northeast. We have trailer parks here too.


    Comment by Jim — May 29, 2009 @ 10:18 pm

  20. Oh, and Jeff, anyone who uses the phrase “Golly Gee Wizz” wouldn’t be living in NJ very long before he incurs a serious azz kicking, or at the very least, causing the locals to double over in serious fits of laughter and finger pointing. 😉

    Comment by Jerry K — May 30, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

  21. “If that doesn’t get action take the matter to your Congressional Representative. They are paid to serve the people.”

    Kevin, now THAT’S the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!! 🙂

    Comment by Jerry K — May 30, 2009 @ 3:48 pm

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