What Was That Sound?
Being the goddamned prince that I am, I thought I would share with youse guys the heretofore secrets of dealing with those snotty looks (or worse) that often follow a bit of healthy bowel windage.
1. “Damned floorboards squeak. We should call the floor guy and have him fix that.”
2. “I wonder if there are squirrels in the house. We should call an exterminator and check that shit out.”
3. “Must be that annoying kid down the block running his motorized scooter down the street. Damned thing is a motor vehicle, and he’s too young to have a license. We should call the cops.”
4. “The guy next door must have his 400-watt powered woofers in his car cranked up to 10.”
5. “Did someone just open a door? Damned hinges need some WD-40.”
6. “Geese! They fly south at this time.”
7. “That wasn’t a fart. It was my stomach gurgling. I’ll concede to it being a pre-fart.”
8. “No way was that a fart. See? It doesn’t stink.”
9. “Must be the dog. No, wait. We no longer have a dog. Damned floorboards.”
10. “What was that? I can’t believe you did that. Gross.”
You’re welcome.
I usually claim to have stepped on a frog.
Comment by Dave Merriman — February 21, 2010 @ 2:51 am
“Monkey! Shame on you!”
Before we were adopted by Monkey, I had goldfish who apparently were jet-powered, from all they were blamed for. Although sometimes I tag it to whoever is on TV at the time…”Damn, Regis, see a doctor, will you?”
Comment by LeeAnn — February 21, 2010 @ 7:39 am
My son blames it on the mysterious and rare Barking Spider.
“Who stepped on a duck?” is my fave.
Comment by Joan of Argghh! — February 21, 2010 @ 9:20 am
“Heretofore!” A great word, and we both used it on the same day…and, if one really uses their imagination, it is potentially an onomatopoeia for a very sophisticated sounding, tri-syllabic anal trump.
Comment by Erica — February 21, 2010 @ 9:59 am
“Hear that?, that cost $150 at [INSERT RESTAURANT].
Wait for the sound sensation!!!
Comment by keeskennis — February 21, 2010 @ 11:37 am
“Barking spider. They’re not poisonous, but they’re known for the bad breath.”
“Oh, listen! the mating call of the south Louisiana swamp elk!”
Comment by mostly cajun — February 21, 2010 @ 12:35 pm
The cat did it!…..Here, pull my finger!
Comment by dudley1 — February 21, 2010 @ 2:22 pm
I’m proud to say…I can poot and cut the cheese with the best…don’t know what a fart is.
Comment by Yabu — February 21, 2010 @ 7:05 pm
Sometimes I let one rip that could peel paint. And I have no sense of smell. The ultimate weapon.
Comment by Jerry in Indiana — February 21, 2010 @ 8:36 pm
Mommy…….do farts have lumps?
Comment by johndeerebilly — February 21, 2010 @ 10:39 pm
Around here, ducks and geese and frogs better scurry… lest they be stepped on.
“Aw, quit complaining. It was only a sugar fart.”
There once was a farter from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean,
He’d fart “God Save the Queen,”
And Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.
Comment by Elisson — February 22, 2010 @ 11:44 am
I unfortunately ate a fried egg before a funeral on Saturday. It was the most miserable 2 hours of my life. My eldest said, “Mom, why didn’t you just let it go and then blame all the old people that were around you? That’s what I would have done…” Nice.
Comment by Bou — February 23, 2010 @ 7:13 pm