August 16, 2010

The One Goes Fishing.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 4:40 pm

Recently, The One took a family (sort of) vacation on the Gulf Coast. Unbeknownst to him, Rahm “Mr. Charming” Emmanuel had arranged for The One to do a bit of fishing in the Gulf. PRS’s hi-tech microphones were there to catch the discussion.

The One: Fishing? Are you out of your goddamned mind? You know I hate this shit.

Rahm: Look. Your numbers are in the toilet, and, frankly, every time you open your mouth lately, the numbers get worse. This is an important photo-op.

The One: I hate the smell of these f**king boats.

Rahm: Jesus, I had the captain dump all the bait and spray the boat with Lysol. Work with me here.

The One: Are those cretins over there on the boat real fishermen? I don’t want them near me. They’re goobers and they smell bad.

Rahm: Not to worry; they’re actors. We got ‘em from the union.

The One: OK, so what the f**k am I supposed to be doing? Just sitting here with my line hanging in the water?

Rahm: Well, yeah, but looking interested in what you’re doing would help. It’s important for the photographers. Oh, now it’s time that you have lunch.

The One: Lunch? Great! I would like an arugula salad, sprinkled with a bit of feta cheese, with caraway seed dressing on the side. Oh, and a Fiuggi sparkling water, with a twist of lemon.

Rahm: Sorry. Lunch is a bologna sandwich on Wonder Bread.

The One: You must be insane. I don’t eat that shit.

Rahm: Dammit, don’t argue with me. The photographers are waiting to snap the photos and file them for tonight’s broadcasts.

The One: OK, bring me the sparkling water now; I’m thirsty.

Rahm: Sorry, Barack. It’s gotta be beer.

The One: Oh, the f**king optics again. I get it. I’ll have a glass of Pauwel Kwak Belgian Amber Ale, but the glass must be properly chilled.

Rahm: Sorry, but today, it’s Budweiser in a can.

The One: F**king optics?

Rahm: Yep.

The One: Holy shit! I think I’ve caught a fish! You didn’t tell me I was going to catch a fish!

Rahm: Well, not actually. We’ve had Simmons from your detail hanging under the boat in scuba gear for the entire trip out here so he could place a fish on your line.

The One: More optics?

Rahm: Damned straight.

The One: How soon will this shit be over?

Rahm: Just as soon as the photographers snap your picture eating lunch with the regular folks and then pulling your fish out of the water.

The One: OK then, get this shitshow moving. I trust that this is it for these bullshit photo-ops.

Rahm: Sorry. Next week you will be attending a NASCAR event.

The One: NASCAR? Have you lost your f**king mind?

Rahm: Again, it’s the optics. You have to be seen looking like a regular guy. Believe me; it’s important.

The One: Optics, my wrinkled nuts! How about next week you spend some time making sure your f**king resume is up to date.

Rahm: The sandwiches are here. Smile!


  1. The One smokes Newports, the official cigarette of the ghetto, so I’m sure he’s never heard of Pauwel Kwak (I’m a Stella Artois girl myself). He probably thinks Pauwel Kwak is the prime minister of one of the Muslim countries he’s so smitten with. Now: If he smoked Camel Rares, then I’d be a bit more convinced. Whatever. He’s a jerk.

    Comment by Erica — August 16, 2010 @ 5:14 pm

  2. Pauwel Kwak: the official beer of Duckburg.

    Comment by Ludwig von Drake — August 16, 2010 @ 10:28 pm

  3. Agree, Erica…he IS a jerk.

    Comment by Lee — August 16, 2010 @ 11:53 pm

  4. Stella!!??

    I was “subjected” to that swill tonight because they didn’t have any pale ale on tap. Newports? Used to smoke Salems, but as they say “any port in a storm.”

    Obama? He’s way way over his pay grade (jr. senator was way over his pay grade). Always thought so, and he’s proven me correct.

    Comment by Dan — August 16, 2010 @ 11:57 pm

  5. How ’bout a happy ending, Jimbo…a threeeee hour tour! A threeeee hour tour!

    Comment by zonker — August 17, 2010 @ 1:22 am

  6. Lmao! You KNOW this probably isn’t far from the truth. Except, who’s gonna believe this elitist, clueless asshole is doing anything other than for photo-op purposes. Oh yeah. THOSE people.

    Comment by Dan O — August 17, 2010 @ 12:46 pm

  7. Would that Ali Hussein bin Dover fire his schmuck chief of staff.. Oh well. Couldn’t do that–bin Dover then wouldn’t have ANY guidance, probably couldn’t find his smokes.

    Comment by Bill in Austin — August 18, 2010 @ 11:23 am

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