January 29, 2005

Winter Bitchin’. (Updated)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 6:45 pm

Scowl.jpgA few thoughts on why winter is a pain in the ass.

Too Many Clothes: The weather has been sufficiently cold this past week or so that I have to wear a big, fat down-filled parka. It keeps me warm, but I hate having to wear the thing. I really hate having to drive in it. It is confining and renders your pants pockets inaccessible. The sad fact is that it is only necessary to keep from freezing until the car warms up and then to walk from the car to work. Shopping is a bitch too, because you need the coat to get to the store, but you really don’t need it once inside the store. I usually wind up sweating my stindeens off in the produce aisle. I long for tee shirt and shorts weather.

Gloves: This is sort of a subset of “Too many clothes.” If you’re outside for any length of time, you really need them, but I hate wearing the damned things. The problem is that if you need to do anything that requires more dexterity than wielding a snow shovel, you have to take them off anyway. As for driving, I simply cannot drive with gloves on. Any gloves thin and supple enough to permit comfortably driving in them (until the car warms up) won’t keep your hands warm anyway, so why bother. Then, there’s the problem of carrying the damned things around. They fill your pockets, and invariably one of them gets lost. Gloves are a pain in the ass.

Walking: Walking in the winter is a pain in the ass, because you have to keep your eyes fixed on the stretch of sidewalk five or six feet in front of you in order to be able to spot icy patches. Failure to do this could result in your doing a face-plant on the sidewalk.

Baby Steps: Once you see a patch of ice ahead and there’s no way to avoid it, you have to resort to taking little baby steps to keep your center of gravity over your feet. This is a particular treat when the slush freezes solid and the ice takes the form of a solid version of a rough sea. One wrong step could land you in the emergency room. Taking baby steps also makes you look like the farookin’ “Walnetto Guy” on Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In (for you folks old enough to remember “Laugh-In”). Baby steps are a pain in the ass.

Cruddy Looking Cars: My big, beautiful, fat, black, capitalist car is currently not black, but rather “road salt white.” It looks like hell. I hate it, but it makes no sense getting it washed, because it will look like shit again within twenty-four hours. Pain in the ass.

Potholes: These appear by the thousands at this time of year, and they are always a bone-jarring surprise. Some of them are big enough to damn near swallow your wheel and thereby cost you a tire, or a wheel, or worse, not to mention make you spill your coffee. Yet another pain in the ass.

Cabin Fever: Horseshit weather keeps folks at home. Last weekend, for example, other than spending “quality time” with Mr. Snow blower, I was in the house from Friday after work until Monday morning. Hell, we didn’t even open the Post Bar on Sunday. Right about now, I could use a warm breeze, a drink, and a good book outside on the deck. Dream on, Jimbo.

And finally, a word to the folks from the South (where I would prefer to be at this moment) who sometimes drive up North in the winter (God knows why): See that white stuff on the road? That’s snow, and it’s slippery. See the grayish stuff on the street? That’s ice, and it’s seriously slippery. Driving really, really fast on that stuff is a bad idea and slamming on your brakes while on it is a worse idea, and it will provide you with an instant physics lesson on the subject of inertia. Oh, and your four-wheel drive is useless as shit on ice. When the roads are snow and ice-covered and I see a car bearing Florida plates, I break my ass to get as far away as possible. I hate the sound of crunching metal and breaking glass. That’s a real pain in the ass.

Update: How could I have forgotten THIS?

Thanks to Karen for the pic.


  1. So, Jim, when IS Ground Hog’s day??

    Comment by Christina — January 29, 2005 @ 7:10 pm

  2. Cliffy

    just think of those great summer days on the deck. good music, booze,frends and just shooten the the shit………

    Comment by chef of da future — January 29, 2005 @ 7:36 pm

  3. Southerners can’t drive in ice and snow and Floridians can’t drive AT ALL. You would do well to avoid these drivers like the plague.

    I try to, and I live in the SOUTH!!!

    Comment by Acidman — January 29, 2005 @ 9:45 pm

  4. It was pretty dang close to 50 degrees here in Billings today.

    Just thought you should know.

    Comment by Craig — January 29, 2005 @ 10:19 pm

  5. Ditto, ditto, ditto. Tried to get to the car wash today but the line was too long. Potholes? I memorize which Parkway and Rte 287 lanes are the worst and avoid them. Laugh-in? Veddy Intewesting. Sock-it-to-me!

    Comment by Shamrock — January 29, 2005 @ 11:46 pm

  6. You can’t keep this stuff bottled up inside you, brother. Let it out.

    Comment by Mike Hill — January 30, 2005 @ 12:19 am

  7. I wish I could say I feel your pain, but I can’t. Sounds like you need to come down here to get away. I’m sitting here drinking a bourbon, listening to Delbert and thinking about your snow and ice. Don’t worry. I won’t be trying to drive up there anytime soon. Even if I were sober.

    Comment by Dash — January 30, 2005 @ 1:04 am

  8. Where’d the Love Go?

    It’s back! It’s the very first NASV Linky-Love fest.

    But let’s take a minute, first, and have a rest-in-peace moment for the old site, besmirched, where I often did ‘Friday-Night Linky-Love. Okay?

    Oh…feh. I’m so over it. Onward march…

    Trackback by not a shrinking violet — January 30, 2005 @ 9:07 pm

  9. Amen on the gloves. I hate to wear gloves just for those very reasons you said. I buy those cheap, one-size-fits-either-hand knit gloves in bulk at the end of winter clearance sales. They’re warm enough to keep my hands from freezing & sticking to the steering wheel, but thin enough that I don’t have to take them off to change the radio station. Plus, if you buy several pairs in the same color, it’s no big deal if you lose one.

    I’m sick of winter too.

    Comment by Rita — January 31, 2005 @ 9:07 am

  10. That is why us wimpy southerners stayed our asses home all weekend until the inch plus of solid ice on the streets melted.

    I don’t like winter for extended periods of time. It’s a nice place to visit for avocations such as skiing, but I wouldn’t want to live there. 😉

    Comment by Key — January 31, 2005 @ 2:04 pm

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