August 12, 2005

Jimbo v. Da Sprinkler.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 3:58 pm

Sprinkler water.jpgWould you like to win a prize for submitting the funniest videotape to “America’s Funniest Home Videos”? It’s easy!! All you have to do is to bring your video camera to the House by the Parkway the next time I am setting out and adjusting the lawn sprinkler.

The sprinkler is one of those oscillating units that looks like this. It is situated on the business end of a twenty-foot, green, reptilian hose that is coiled and ready to strike with the turn of the spigot. Once pressurized with water, it shoots a couple dozen little streams of water as the “sprayers” lazily move back and forth, essentially carpet-bombing the lawn with little water bomblets.

Of course, placement of the water bomber is key. Too far in one direction and it waters the sidewalk, while placed too far in the other direction it waters the house. A wrong move in the third or fourth direction results in watering the my driveway or my neighbor’s driveway, to the exclusion of a good portion of the lawn. Knowing this, I call upon past experience and place the unpressurized device where I believe the lawn might be optimally carpet bombed. Once it is placed, I unleash the water pressure that sets the water widget in motion.

I always put it in the wrong place.

So, now the unit has to be moved. Prudence would dictate that the water be shut off before tangling ass with the water bomber. However, proving that past experience doesn’t necessarily result in learning, I always assume that I can move the damned thing while it is oscillating and somehow manage not to get doused.

I carefully time the oscillations and dash up to the water-throwing beast and pick it up, deftly turning the water-spouting unit towards the ground while I reposition it. So far, so good.

However, when I flip the unit over so that it can resume carpet bombing the lawn, its multiple jets invariably blast water into my face and douse me from head to sharona. Strangely enough, this always shocks the hell out of me, once again, leaving no doubt that learning often simply does not take place.

The worst part is worrying that any of my neighbors might have seen what a horse’s ass I am, or that they had their video cameras at the ready.


  1. Oh, yes… the old sprinkler dance. I’ve been known to cut a rug in soakin’ wet clothes once or twice myself. Equally fun is the pulsating type sprinker that can practically drown you when it catches you in the face.

    Comment by Robert — August 12, 2005 @ 4:49 pm

  2. Kind of proves that saying You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Not that your old or anything. 😀

    Comment by Larry Morin — August 12, 2005 @ 6:27 pm

  3. If you’re being outsmarted by the sprinkler, is it any consolation that it at least has moving parts?

    Comment by DMerriman — August 12, 2005 @ 7:52 pm

  4. Too funny. I’ve done the same thing with sprinkler heads: always sure I can just ‘adjust’ them without having to turn water off, etc. Last time I ended up making a huge mud pond, scared some kids who thought I was some soaked mud-painted nutcase doing weird paramilitary exercises on her belly in the foliage.

    Comment by dogette — August 12, 2005 @ 9:13 pm

  5. You should sell tickets. I have only a back yard so there is a limited audience for my face soakings. This year I solved the problem by adopting the ‘brown is beautiful’ lawn care paradigm.

    Comment by Sluggo — August 12, 2005 @ 10:17 pm

  6. I usually just kink the hose, then make the adjustment. ‘Course, if the hose isn’t long enough, and in gets jerked out of your hand as you’re walking up to the sprinkler, you’re pretty much in the same boat.

    Unless, of course, you were running. Then you get the bath while laying on the yard looking like an idiot. Not that I would know… heheh.

    Comment by That 1 Guy — August 13, 2005 @ 8:52 am

  7. The particular dance you’ve mentioned has been practiced far and wide.

    I do it.

    I always do it.

    And, I have one of the those that makes the tick-tick-tick sound as it moves around in a circle in the yard, so I can often be seen running in circles from the blast of water it projects.

    I no longer care what the neighbors think.

    Comment by jmflynny — August 13, 2005 @ 10:27 pm

  8. Now, that I would pay money to see – Flynny running around in circles from her sprinkler.

    Jim – you should see me trying to coordinate no less than five of those little devils when watering my yard.

    Comment by Dash — August 15, 2005 @ 5:32 pm

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