Jersey Docs Know This Stuff.
My buddy Rob wrote a piece about “Southern Injuries,†which, not surprisingly, deals with injuries that, to a greater or lesser extent, are unique to the South. That got me to thinking about some of the maladies that we suffer in the Garden State.
Pothole-algia: This condition arises as a result of having one of the millions of post-winter potholes swallow the front wheel of one’s car. Pothole-algia comes in two distinct phases. The first phase is consists of the pain that shoots from asshole to neck when one’s tire goes into a pothole with the diameter of a garbage can lid and the depth of an Arctic crevasse. The second phase is characterized by the pain one experiences upon learning that it will be necessary to replace the tire, rim and front end of your car.
Toll-terror: This is a specific form of panic attack that occurs when one is trying to navigate from three fast-moving lanes into one of eight or more toll booths, depending on whether it is an EZ Pass lane, a Token or Exact Change, or a Cash-Receipt Lane, and one is victimized by an out-of-state driver who is, understandably confused by it all and who invariably cuts across eight lanes like some kind of kamikaze.
Post-Toll Despair: This condition is marked by the hopelessness one feels when emerging from one of the eight or more toll lanes and all eight lanes have to immediately squeeze into three lanes. The sense of despair is most serious when you paid the toll in the left-most lane and, after having paid the toll, you must somehow cross a veritable sea of cars to get to the right lane in order to immediately exit the highway. For out-of-state drivers, this can be most terrifying and can result in night sweats and/or self-destructive thoughts.
Black Ice Helplessness: This is the complete loss of control accompanied by fear of impending death that you experience when you realize that you have hit a patch of black ice (very slick and not very visible) while going down a hill and at the bottom of the hill is a busy, truck-filled, cross street. The condition has been known to result in an involuntary discharge of the bowels as the essentially free ranging vehicle slowly spins its way toward the killer cross street.
Windshield Wiper Hypervision: This condition occurs when one is driving on a multi-lane highway in a snow/sleet/ice storm and the windshield wipers only clear away a small portion of the windshield (usually about an inch wide), leaving the rest of the windshield opaque with snow/sleet/ice. Not only does it strain the eyes almost to the point of ocular explosion, but it also causes severe orthopedic problems. This is so, because the “clear†portion of the windshield is never at eye level and, therefore, requires rather dramatic contortions by the driver. Finally, because Windshield Wiper Hypervision is often accompanied by a rear window and rearview mirrors that are covered with snow/sleet/ice, changing lanes to ultimately pull off the highway is impossible for all but the most daring and/or religiously plugged in.
Circlecide: This is the realization of the possibility of sudden death or serious injury that exists each time one prepares to navigate one of New Jersey’s many traffic circles, which were most certainly designed by one of Satan’s Lieutenants. The possibility of death increases geometrically with every out-of-state driver who enters the circle.
Ocular explosions, involuntary discharges of the bowels . . . tough on the upholstery, too.
Comment by dogette — August 16, 2005 @ 11:28 pm
Parkwayitis (also known as Cheesequaking) – the feeling of dispair that overwhelms anyone whose rear wheels take more than a half an hour to get where the front wheels were at the beginning of the attack.
Comment by Sluggo — August 17, 2005 @ 12:03 am
I’ve seen out-of-state cars driven by skeletons in some of our NJ circles (known as “rotaries” in MA and elsewhere). Apparently the circles are like those roach motels to some of these folks. They can check in but they can’t check out.
By the way, these circles are getting fewer and fewer. They should be placed on the Endangered Species list of architectural wonders–or at least on some historic registry. They are part of NJ’c culture, man! SAVE THE CIRCLE!
Comment by joated — August 17, 2005 @ 8:00 am
How about a non-driving NJ malady: Politicalapathy? Where overexposure to the word “corruption” causes you to stop caring who’s in office.
Comment by Shamrock — August 17, 2005 @ 11:45 am
.. I think some people in Hotlanta suffer from a few of those illnesses…
Comment by Eric — August 17, 2005 @ 6:22 pm
damn! I didn’t know I had it so good
Wow! I thought sand spurs, hornets, yellow jackets, “seven-year itch,” fire ants and poison ivy were bad. But those are…
Trackback by Gut Rumbles — August 18, 2005 @ 2:21 pm
We suffer from Black Ice Helplessness up here in NH too. But we also get Antlered Animalitis: the feeling of despair and impending doom when your headlights illuminate the very large moose standing in the middle of the road.
Comment by Chablis — August 18, 2005 @ 2:36 pm
Is that who designed the traffic circle? I thought they were designed by the NYC mobsterswho wanted to confuse the cops for a quick getaway to the countryside.
Comment by GUYK — August 18, 2005 @ 2:37 pm
I hadn’t gotten over giggling at the post when joated nearly made me cry laughing at the skeletons truism… (Now, why do I hear the Dead in spite of the fact that I’ve got the American Graffiti soundtrack blasting?)
Hell, I lived there all my life til about 4 years ago and even I blew it once.
Drove straight across the one at Rt.’s 40 & 77 in my Dad’s pickup. This was before they stuck all the signs and shit in there.
God, I felt like a moron doing that….
Didn’t quit laughing at myself til the far side of Woodstown.
Luckily, it was around 1 am, hence no traffic (or Troopers thank Gawd).
Peace
Comment by Stevie — August 18, 2005 @ 6:27 pm
I’ve got one that I discovered after moving to Jersey from New Mexico – Perpetual Protected Left Disorder (PPLD) – the malady that causes NJ drivers to believe that EVERY green light is a protected left as soon as the light changes – causing bird-flipping as the lead left-turning driver cuts in front of oncoming traffic.
Oh, and similar to Toll-Terror is Sudden Jug Handle Anxiety Syndrome (SJHAS) in which a non-Jersey (or even non-local) driver realizes they must cut across 4 lanes of traffic so they can access the impending jug handle to get to the grocery store, or the restaurant. Very common on Rt 1.
Comment by Timdido — August 20, 2005 @ 8:49 am
Don’t forget:
Stuck-Behind-Pennsylvania-Asshole-Driver-itis – which is sort of self-explanatory. The New York version is often discovered going slowly in the far left lane.
Can’t-Park-On-My-Block-itis – again, fairly self-explanatory. Once confined to Hudson County, it has now become widespread as developers fill up empty space with multi-dwelling units.
And the every popular-
Get-in-the-Right-Lane-to-turn-Left blues – honestly, I’ve driven extensively through at least twenty states and I’ve never seen anywhere more allergic to making direct left-hand turns. It is theorized that this may be preceded by “They-should-have-put-that-sign-fifty-feet-earlier-mania”.
XT
Comment by Xpatriated Texan — August 21, 2005 @ 2:36 pm
Perpetual Protected Left Disorder (PPLD) also affects pedestrians indirectly, since people with PPLD also tend to tear through the intersection before waiting to see if anyone is trying to cross the street. If so, it’s always the pedestrians who are in THEIR way…
Comment by Golem 14 — August 23, 2005 @ 11:27 am
Psychiatric ailments peculiar to the Jersey driver
Pothole-algia, Toll-terror, Post-Toll Despair, Black Ice Helplessness, Windshield Wiper Hypervision, and Circlecide. Common afflictions brought to light by Dr. Jim at Parkway Rest Stop.
Trackback by Mister Snitch! — September 23, 2005 @ 11:50 am