November 10, 2005

Navigation Systems, The Jersey Edition.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:08 pm

Navigation System.jpgIt is coming up on the time when I will soon be replacing my big, fat capitalist car with a new big, fat capitalist car. As such, I have taken a look at the fancy-schmancy navigation systems that are available for a small fortune in virtually all big, fat capitalist models. I’m sure you’ve heard of these Global Positioning Satellite – tethered, high tech direction providers, that actually speak, often with a pleasant female voice.

I got to thinking that, given the cost of these things, I ought to be able to get the “Jersey Edition.” The gentle female voice just won’t work for many Garden Staters.

Here’s what I mean:

With the regular navigation systems, a missed turn prompts the female voice to gently say, “You’ve missed your turn. Make the next U Turn.”

I would respond better to the Jersey Edition, which would come equipped with a voice like that of Paulie Walnuts that would say, “ASSHOLE! Ya missed da freakin’ turn. You got your head in your ass or some shit? Turn da hell around! Now!”

Similarly, if one entered a desired destination that is already in the system’s memory, instead of replaying previous directions, the Jersey Edition would say, “Jesus, you are a dopey bastard. How many freakin’ times do ya have to drive to a place to remember how to get there? Don’t make me tell you again.”

Some systems even permit the user to plug in “points of interest” along the route, such as restaurants. Instead of hearing the soporific female voice say, “A restaurant is one mile ahead,” with the Jersey Edition, I would expect to hear, “Yo! Ya gonna come to a restaurant in about a mile, but it’s a freakin’ sushi joint. You gotta be shittin’ me. You don’t wanna eat dat crap. I see a pizza place is a mile and half down da road, where ya can get a slice and a coke or a decent sa-ZEECH, peppers and onions sandwich! Keep drivin’.”

Finally, the Jersey Edition would be programmed to know some things that are particularly useful in New Jersey. So, if you punch in address in a certain part of the state, it would warn you, “Aaaay, are you freakin’ nuts or what?. Dis is Joey Big Nose Calamari’s territory. Ya wanna go dere, you should bring a couple a da guys wit you. Know what I’m sayin’?”

General Motors should make The Jersey Edition standard equipment in the 2006 Cadillac New Jersey. They’d sell a shitload of them. You know what I’m sayin’?


  1. Can I get the Jersey Edition even livin’ in the midwest?!?!

    This is hysterical!!!

    Comment by Tammi — November 10, 2005 @ 8:36 pm

  2. Wonderful post – What? No remarks about out-of-state folks screwing up traffic in the jughandles??

    Comment by MCPO Airdale — November 10, 2005 @ 9:05 pm

  3. “you gotta be shittin’ me . . . you don’t wanna eat dat crap” . . . I can just hear it. It’s especially perfect for your NEW BFCC, which I am excited to hear you’re getting, though I know you secretly yearn for one of the new Yugo hybrids.

    Comment by dogette — November 10, 2005 @ 9:35 pm

  4. you don’t need one of these things do ya?

    I am sure you are a great navigator…..

    Comment by armywifetoddlermom — November 10, 2005 @ 10:35 pm

  5. I have one of these things in my car here in Tokyo! I have to honestly say that I couldn’t get around without this. I can’t read the freakin signs, or the map display on the system, so I’m really dependent on the voice. My system has a female voice with a very British accent. The thing also detects the number of signals from all the traffic in Tokyo and diverts me if there is traffic congestion on my intended route. Amazing! But I would rather have your the New Jersey version. Mine is way to polite. When I ignore her (If I know the way), she just says “re-routing.” After 2 or 3 successive missed turns she ought to say: “Look pal, if you aren’t going to take my directions, find the damn place yourself.”

    I’ll put in my request for the NJ version as soon as I return.

    Comment by Dan — November 11, 2005 @ 12:08 am

  6. Additional features:
    * No horn. Instead, a recorded voice loudly yells “Hey, asshole!”
    * Holographic projector for mono-digital salutes
    * Refridgerated trunk
    * Armored body (also available on the “Los Angeles” edition)
    * Coin ejection mechanism for tollbooths
    * tamper-resistant brake system
    * armored ignition system
    * includes canolli holders in addition to cup holders

    Anything else?

    Comment by DMerriman — November 11, 2005 @ 12:12 am

  7. The voice is a good starting point but there won’t really be a Jersey edition until you get the satellite people to program in precision instructions for navigating through traffic circles.

    Comment by Suzette — November 11, 2005 @ 8:20 am

  8. At least you dont end up holding the map upside down

    Comment by BIRDZILLA — November 20, 2005 @ 8:53 pm

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