November 28, 2005

An Antiques Road Show Fantasy.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 10:25 pm

Road Show Guy: “Well, well. What have we got here?”

Jimbo: “It’s a painting of Ed Sullivan, which, I believe, was painted by Elvis. See? It says ‘EAP’ in the lower left corner, and those are the initials of Elvis%20Presley”>Elvis Aaron Presley.”

Road Show Guy: “Interesting. Might I ask how much you paid for this picture?”

Jimbo: “Well, you see, I was on my way back to the airport from Eric’s house, and I got lost in Maryville. I saw this guy selling really neat paintings outside a saloon called “Dip ‘n Spit,” and I stopped to look. Most of the paintings were on black velvet, but this one wasn’t, and it caught my eye.”

Road Show Guy: “Fascinating, but how much did you pay for it?”

Jimbo: “I figured it was a steal at $300, so I snapped it up.”

Road Show Guy: “I can only assume that this was your first time in Tennessee, because ‘EAP’ stands for “Eat A Peach,” which is how a local drunk named Boris-Bubba Buchanan (who came from Georgia) used to sign all his paintings. He had an Allman Brothers thing going on. You know…the ‘Peach Thing.’”

Jimbo: “Yeah, it was my first time in Tennessee. I also picked up some interesting concrete things, which are out in the car. Wanna see them?”

Road Show Guy: “No, they’re probably from Ed’s Concrete Emporium, or whatever the hell he calls his place. They’re worthless. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but that the painting is also worth about … well, nothing.”

Jimbo: “I’m really pissed. I’m goin’ back to Tennessee with a couple a guys who wear lots of gold and who have lots of chest hair, and we’re going to find that Boris Bubba Buchanan Guy and bust his cracker ass.”

Road Show Guy: “Calm down, because I am really interested in that thing that fell on the floor when you unwrapped the painting.”

Jimbo: “What thing? You mean that toilet paper roll on the ground? I wrapped the painting in toilet paper. That musta got stuck in there.”

Road Show Guy: “Exactly. That’s not just a toilet paper roll. That happens to be an original ‘Scott’s’ signature roll. You can tell by the unique lines in the cardboard and the color of the paper. The dead giveaway is the small ‘SS’ that appears on the inside of the roll, which stands for Sammy Scott, the inventor of the first toilet paper roll.”

Jimbo: “No shit?”

Road Show Guy: “Very good! ’No shit’ was an inside joke among the people who worked for Sammy back then. In forty years in the antique business I have never before seen one of these. In fact, I became lightheaded when I saw it on the floor. Might I ask what you paid for it?”

Jimbo: “You mean the toilet paper roll?”

Road Show Guy: “Yes, absolutely.”

Jimbo: “Beats hell out of me. Something like fifty cents.”

Road Show Guy: “Do you have any idea what it is worth?”

Jimbo: “A farookin’ toilet paper roll?”

Road Show Guy: “I told you, this is not just a toilet paper roll. This is a highly collectible toilet paper roll. What do you figure that an original ‘Scott’s Signature Roll’ might be worth?”

Jimbo: “OK, I’ll play along. How about three dollars?”

Road Show Guy: “How about three hundred thousand dollars?”

Jimbo: “Wow. Are you shitting me? What’s the paper itself worth? I got a bunch of it right here.”

Road Show Guy: “It ain’t worth shit.”

Jimbo: “No shit?”

Road Show Guy: “I wouldn’t shit you about that.”

Jimbo: “But the roll is worth three hundred grand?”

Road Show Guy: “No shit.”

Jimbo: “Wow. That’s some serious shit.”


  1. You are demented, in that good “He can keep his fingernail clippers and sketchpad” way. I watched the Roadshow recently for a few minutes. You nailed and pretzeled it. 🙂

    Comment by dogette — November 29, 2005 @ 1:53 pm

  2. You’re back!!! Woo Hoo!

    Comment by Teresa — December 1, 2005 @ 12:16 am

  3. She’s right – You’re back! We’re doomed!

    Comment by James Hooker - asshole — December 1, 2005 @ 2:04 am

  4. A mind is a terrible thing to waste,heard that somewhere,don’t believe it though.

    Comment by james old guy — December 1, 2005 @ 7:30 am

  5. … I still can’t believe you got lost in Maryville…

    Comment by Eric — December 1, 2005 @ 8:20 am

  6. Eric said your site got shut down. Looks fine to me…

    Comment by Mr. Snitch! — December 1, 2005 @ 2:47 pm

  7. Mr. Snitch… there is nothing to make one gasp so loud as to click on the PRS link on the blogroll and have the message

    “This Account has been suspended”

    pop into your field of view. Took years off my bloglife I can tell you!

    Comment by Teresa — December 1, 2005 @ 3:37 pm

  8. Brilliant!!

    Comment by Fausta — December 2, 2005 @ 3:15 pm

  9. Hi, I love the show very much. I see a lot of things on the show that I have. I would like to know of a trustwearthy dealor in my area, or do you make house calls? My family needs the money and I lould like to sell some of my things. I hopr you can help me.

    sincearly, Beth Faulkiner, Moundsville WV

    Comment by Beth Faulkiner — August 3, 2006 @ 11:56 pm

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