December 3, 2005

Ask Hillary (Vol. 3)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 3:20 pm

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a single mom, struggling to make ends meet. I know that you once made a great deal of money investing in cattle futures. According to what I’ve read, you invested $1,000, and ten months later your investment was worth $100,000. I have been saving what I can for the last four years, and now I finally have reached my goal of $1,000, which I would like to invest and make $100,000 just like you did.

The problem is that I have read that buying and selling those things (I believe they call them commodities) is very risky and requires more expertise than I possess. I, therefore, was hoping that you might be able to give me the advice I need to turn my savings into $100,000, a sum that would make my life much easier, what with the boys’ doctor bills and all.

Your friend and loyal supporter,
Mary McWilliams

Dear Mary,

Boy, oh boy, did everyone make a big deal out my little investment back then!! Sheesh, like it’s soooooo hard to make investments. Yeah, it was like, “Ooooh only realllly, really smart MEN can make money buying and selling commodities.”

While it is true that I am perhaps the world’s smartest woman, making oodles of money on commodities is easy. Here’s the secret. All there is to it is to buy them when they are cheap and sell them when they are expensive. You do that and, in no time, you’ll be rolling in money.

Always glad to be of help.

Dear Senator Clinton:

Many of your detractors (I can’t believe that there actually are people who don’t worship you. LOL) said that you weren’t telling the truth when you said that the Rose Law Firm Billing records, which had been the subject of several subpoenas for two years, “mysteriously” (to use the right-wing’s snot-nosey word) showed up in the residence of the White House.

I was hoping that you could clear that up once and for all so I can straighten out those wing nuts I work with in the FBI.

Agent Beverly Dial

Dear Bev,

Again, it’s the damned MEN!! They don’t know shit from Shinola (Pardon my French. LOL) about the realities of housework. I’m sure that you know how sometimes things just find their way under other things and manage to stay there unnoticed for years at a time. The residence of the White House is no different!

What happened is that the records found their way under a large book in my book room, entitled “Ethics in Government,” and they sat there unnoticed for two years. I guess that one day one of the cleaning people accidentally knocked the book off the table and there were the billing records everyone made such a fuss about!! LOL!!

I immediately fired the cleaning person for not dusting more often.

Thanks for asking!

Dear Senator Clinton:

I know that you have repeatedly said that you are not running for President in 2008, but if you do decide to run, how will you deal with the whiney criticism from those who say that you don’t like the military and that you are not qualified to be the Commander in Chief?

BTW, I sooooooo hope you run. I think you are seriously smart and very cool.

Love and hugs,
Ellen Green

Dear Ellen,

That is soooooo typical of the bullshit (pardon my French again – LOL!) that comes from the same gang that bitched about my commodity trades and the silly billing records thing. They don’t like me, because I am waay smarter than they are. Here are the FACTS.

The FACT is that I {{{LOVE}}} the military, and they love me! I even visited the troops in Iraq and they were lined up to shake my hand and I have the pictures to prove it! Grrrrrrrrr.

The FACT is that I happen to know a shitload (oooops, my French again – LOL) about military things. If I WERE TO RUN for the presidency in 2008 (which I am not), I have a couple concrete ideas for change in the military and here they are:

1. I would immediately issue an order requiring that the only planes that should be on our aircraft carriers are those B-52s. They would be handy whenever and wherever we might need them, and we would save lots of gas getting them to where they are needed. I never did see the point of wasting all that space on our aircraft carriers with those little pishy planes.

2. We spend entirely tooooo much money on research on rifles and stuff like that. There are waay too many kinds, and it gets very confusing. If I were Commander in Chief (and I am not running, as you know), I would direct that all military personnel be issued a shoulder-fired howitzer. Keep things simple.

See? There’s really nothing to it.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I know how hard you work in Washington, and it looks so very serious all the time. I was wondering if you ever get a chance to have some fun with your colleagues.

Ta ta for now,
Grace Williams

Dear Grace,

I’m sooooo glad you asked me that, girlfriend. These serious questions can be a real downer. LOL!!

I do have fun with my colleagues. Why, just a few weeks ago, my friend Nancy Pelosi (I call her “Pearl” – It’s a sixties thing.) were at my place kicking back and doing a bit of herb. It was wild, let me tell you. You know how you get the giggles? Well, we giggled ourselves to death about what a big dope You-Know-Who is. (Hint, hint. He can’t even say “NU-clee-ar” LOL).

So then we got, like, really, really hungry, and we gobbled up a dozen deviled eggs each and washed them down with a couple sixes of Old Milwaukee.

The next day in the Senate Chamber, I cut this massive egg and beer fart. Wow!! Talk about a dirty bomb!!! This one was world-class. I blamed it on Trent Lott. I said, “Ewwwwww. Trent, you racist bastard. That was disgusting!”

What a hoot!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!


  1. These are truly funny! B-52s on carriers. . .yup, that will work!!

    Comment by MCPO Airdale — December 3, 2005 @ 5:34 pm

  2. Did you receive your egg-and-beer fart scented Christmas holiday card from her office this year yet?

    Comment by dogette — December 3, 2005 @ 6:13 pm

  3. You slay me!

    Comment by Sgt Hook — December 3, 2005 @ 7:14 pm

  4. LMAO! Nicely done, Jimbo…

    Are you sure she didn’t have something to do with your server problems?

    Comment by That 1 Guy — December 3, 2005 @ 11:45 pm

  5. Jim,
    Buddy, you ain’t right, but you are. 😉 Chew on that a minute.

    Comment by Redneck — December 5, 2005 @ 7:36 pm

  6. Pearl and Hill, and botox. Deviled eggs, indeed!

    Comment by Fausta — December 6, 2005 @ 6:43 pm

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