February 14, 2006

New Winter Olympic Events.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:44 pm

Olympic rings.jpgI was reading about how unmoved Bob the Corgi has been by the Winter Olympics. I sense, at least in my corner of the world, that people aren’t as interested in the Winter Games as they used to be.

I think what is needed to re-kindle viewer interest in the Winter Olympics are some new and exciting events. I have given the matter a bit of thought, and I would like to suggest a few events that might put a bit of zip back into the Winter Olympics.

1. Synchronized Polar Swimming. I suggested this at Bob the Corgi’s site. The event would be held in water that is only slightly above freezing and, as such, I envision it to be a much faster-paced event (albeit with shorter routines) than we have become accustomed to seeing in the Summer Games.

2. Ice Diving. The contestants (men and women) would dive from springboards and platforms, much like they do in the Summer Games. However, to add a bit of winter adventure to the event, the divers will have to dive into a hole that is two feet in diameter, and which has been cut through 12 inches of ice. We expect some dramatic “misses,” which will definitely be real crowd pleasers. Wearing of helmets is not permitted, as it is thought that it would interfere with the aesthetics of the competition.

3. Rocket Skiing. We all know that viewers love speed events. Unfortunately, it may well be that today’s downhill racers, even doing their best to resemble human bullets, are just not fast enough to hold the interest of today’s demanding, Fear Factor viewing audience. Therefore, the new event will permit each skier to wear a rocket engine on his or her back. The size of the engine is strictly up to the skier. Now, that will make for some serious speed (and some seriously spectacular crashes), which is seriously sweet.

4. Ice Wrestling. Just imagine the fun! This event would be exactly the same as it is in the Summer Games (including the contestants’ garb), except it would be held outdoors on the ice. Lot’s of slipping action on a concrete hard surface. Yowza! I suggest that bathing suit-clad women be permitted to participate as well. This promises to be a real ratings champion.

5. Human Cannonball Skiing. I’m certain that the audience has come to the conclusion that ski jumpers have peaked out in terms of height and distance. Therefore, imagine, if you will, a circus-like cannon that fires a skier at high velocity out of its barrel. The size of the powder charge would be left to the discretion of the skier as would the trajectory of the shot. What red-blooded American would not tune in to this event?

6. Sockey. In this event, two teams would take to the ice and would not even engage in the pretense of playing hockey. Rather, each team would simply try to punch the shit out of the other team. The winner would be the team with the last man (or woman) standing. This would most definitely be a prime time bonanza.

7. Snow Shoveling. The idea here is to introduce an event that “Joe and Jane Six Pack” can relate to. The event would simply require an individual contestant to shovel as much snow as possible within two hours’ time. The event also lends itself to team competition. While at first blush this might seem boring to watch, but it cannot be any more boring than watching cross-country skiing and, as previously noted, the average guy or gal can relate to superior performances.

8. Couric – Costas Curling. This would be curling in the traditional fashion, except instead of sliding curling stones on the ice, the teams would slide Katie Couric and Bob Costas. Who wouldn’t like to see that?

9. Snow Pissing. Taking its artistic lead from figure skating, this event is characterized by well-hydrated contestants creating figures by pissing in the snow. There will be a compulsory “school figure” phase, followed a day or so (and lots of beer) later by the free-style event, in which the contestant will produce whatever elaborate snow piss image he can complete. There is a mandatory points deduction for running out of piss. At present, snow pissing will be limited to men until such time that women can demonstrate an ability to effectively compete in this event.


  1. here’s my olympic events from the last time around…
    maybe we can combine some of them.
    Oh, and I used to be a pretty good curler in my day…

    Comment by gregor — February 14, 2006 @ 11:18 pm

  2. Yet again, you are right. Once they let in “freestyle skiing”, “snowboarding”, “ice dancing” the whole thing went to shit (BTW sorry about your sorry showing in the poll).

    Also, IMO, since the demise of the Soviet Union, there are no “bad guys” to root against. So in addition to adding more amusing events, we should establish an olympic team for Al Qaeda, staffed of course, by professionals who could actually win. That ought to work.

    Comment by Dan — February 15, 2006 @ 12:20 am

  3. I like the curling thing but the Ice Diving is very “Steel Pier”, isn’t it? I see a big advantage for NJ athletes in this one.

    Comment by Bob the Corgi — February 15, 2006 @ 7:58 am

  4. Bob, TC,

    Steel Pier. You’re right! NEW EVENT ALERT: Ice Diving Horses!!

    Comment by Jim - Parkway Rest Stop — February 15, 2006 @ 8:37 am

  5. Just make everyone participate nude. That’ll drive up the attention.

    Comment by Contagion — February 15, 2006 @ 8:41 am

  6. Synchronized Polar Swim: I predict that celebrities will flock to enter this event for its long-lasting botox-like effects.

    Ice Diving: “Ohhhhhhh—apparently he didn’t allow for those extra holiday pounds, did he, Peggy?”

    Comment by dogette — February 15, 2006 @ 9:13 am

  7. That I would watch, especially the ice diving. Not only do we have the excitment of the misses, but women in skimpy bathing suits in the cold…Oh yeah!

    Comment by hoosierboy — February 15, 2006 @ 10:00 am

  8. brrrrr…

    Comment by armywifetoddlermom — February 15, 2006 @ 10:16 am

  9. I’d watch the Couric – Costas curling event – sounds like a winner to me! You’ve forgotten one very important Olympic event taking place right now 🙂 The Knitting Olympics torch was lit a week ago and will close soon. My friend is head of Sock Team USA. You have to be in it to win it so sitting by the sidelines ain’t an option!

    I’m sure this is the LAST thing you expected as a comment LOL.

    Comment by Darlene — February 15, 2006 @ 1:23 pm

  10. You could have Ice Diving on top of the Ice Wrestling events and right after Snow Pissing. All in the same snow bowl arena.

    Comment by Tige — February 15, 2006 @ 3:36 pm

  11. Sockey and Snow Pissing just about did me in, Jimbo.

    You need a drink warning!

    Comment by caltechgirl — February 15, 2006 @ 6:32 pm

  12. Gratuitous Link Love

    Because Jimbo made me laugh on a rotten day.Go check out the New Winter Olympic events!…

    Trackback by Not Exactly Rocket Science — February 15, 2006 @ 6:34 pm

  13. Reminds me of a post I wrote called “Gunning with Drunks”

    Comment by azygos — February 15, 2006 @ 8:56 pm

  14. Dude …

    I’m SO going for the gold in snow pissing!


    Comment by RightWingRocker — February 16, 2006 @ 10:40 am

  15. Ladies Snow Pissing?

    No problem:


    Comment by Harvey — February 17, 2006 @ 9:52 am

  16. Zamboni Racing!

    Comment by gail — February 17, 2006 @ 5:43 pm

  17. What Winter Olympics?

    If you are as bored as I am just KNOWING that the Winter Olympics are ongoing, you might like Jim’s suggestions for spicing them up a bit. (I REALLY like the idea of Polar Synchronized Swimming, by the way.) Any

    Trackback by Scribal Terror — February 17, 2006 @ 5:54 pm

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