February 21, 2006

No Thanks x 4.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:06 pm

During one of my walks over the weekend, I saw a guy who was, as they say, “up in years” and who did not look all that steady on his feet, fire up a chainsaw to begin the process of cutting down a tree and then turning the big pieces of tree into smaller pieces of tree. I averted my eyes, lest I end up seeing what can happen when Mr. Chainsaw meets flesh and bone.

That got me to thinking of things that you are not likely to see Jimbo doing. In fact, you are more likely to get hit in the head with a piece of space junk than you are to see Jimbo engaging in any of the following activities.

1. Operating a chainsaw. These things really are fearsome and mondo-violent tools. Hell, they even sound angry. I shudder to think of what one of those monsters would do to various body parts should one lose control of it. I suppose if I had to cut wood to survive, I would use one, but I don’t, so I won’t, thank you.

2. Skiing. I went skiing a couple times in my yoot, and it did nothing for me. Skiers a bit on the crazy side, if you ask me. For example, on those occasions when I did give skiing a try, the people I was with thought it a stroke of great fortune that we were driving three hours in a farookin’ blizzard to get to the ski resort. “Great skiing, man.” I was thinking, ”Hell, I might drive for three hours in a blizzard to rescue a downed pilot, but to go skiing? No thanks.” I also don’t think I ever appreciated the supposed rush one feels when hurling one’s self down a mountain. Perhaps that’s because I was never more than a beginner, but I don’t think so. I was always happiest in the saloon at the bottom of the hill.

Now that I have about run out of yoot, I am even more mindful that joints are not made to bend in all directions and broken bones are a serious disaccommodation. That’s why there is little chance that you’ll see Jimbo schussing down any damned mountains.

3. Hunting. I know quite a few folks who love to hunt, and that’s fine. Just don’t bother inviting me. I have never been hunting, and I have no desire to go. It’s not a safety-related thing. I’d feel much safer hunting than I would running a chainsaw or skiing. I just never found all that blood and guts to be particularly alluring. In addition, the idea of getting up at crack of dawn, spraying myself with some form of animal piss and sitting in a tree for hours on end doesn’t do it for me. Nor, for that matter, does hiding in a bunch of reeds or weeds trying my damndest to sound like a duck.

4. Applying for a Home Depot Credit Card. I get an instant Case of the Ass each time I have to enter that place. Power tools, lumber, electrical, and plumbing shit … oy!


  1. … damn, Jim.. I’m witnessing a whole new side of you… the wussy side, I do believe….

    Comment by Eric — February 21, 2006 @ 8:29 pm

  2. Gotta agee with eric on this one. Although you did get me to agree with the skiing thing. Been twice. Second time some 6-year old was running the slalom around the others on the slope. Went back to the fireplace and the scotch right after I got down. haven’t been back since. I do like x-coutnry skiing and snowshoing however.

    Comment by joated — February 21, 2006 @ 8:48 pm

  3. “Wussy” say you? I prefer to think of myself as, well, civilized.

    Comment by Jim - Parkway Rest Stop — February 21, 2006 @ 8:58 pm

  4. I guess the Ski-Cycle of Death would be off-limits, then…

    Comment by Elisson — February 21, 2006 @ 9:28 pm

  5. The other day I was in Home Depot and bought an electric chainsaw. We already own those dangerous gas chainsaws but of course we’re trying to get away from dependence on FOREIGN OIL, and rely instead on 350 feet of tangled extension cords, which are much safer.

    Comment by dogette — February 21, 2006 @ 10:21 pm

  6. Well, if I had to use a chainsaw, it would be a hybrid chainsaw. They get fifty trees to a gallon.

    Comment by Jim - Parkway Rest Stop — February 21, 2006 @ 10:27 pm

  7. So I take it you missed the “biathlon” skiing-shooting part of the olympics?

    Also, don’t write hunting off if you’ve never been quail hunting ; )

    Comment by Dan — February 21, 2006 @ 10:52 pm

  8. RUGBY Let’s get this straight. Dirty, sweaty men , holding on to each other by the waist, bending over with skimpy shorts and wearing those silly, striped shirts that make you look fat. Who thought this sport up, Elton John ???

    HORSEBACK RIDING So I guess it’s a good idea to sit seven feet high up on some stinking animal’s back, and let him decide when it’s time to throw me the f*** off? Can anybody say Christopher Reeves? The only people who should be riding horses are small,crooked, 110 lb. silk wearing jockies named Julio who need a green card.

    GOLF So I’ve got six hours with nothing better to do than pay 100 bucks to hit a little ball into the woods and say swear words. Living large with other fat men living large, looking dapper in pink shirts and buck shoes. A sure sign of success and a swell way to get away from the wife and kids. So what if your kids are on pot, your wife is drilling the mailman, and you are maxed on the credit cards? You lowered your handicap to twelve and your new putter will be in by the weekend !!!

    If there is a God, I fear that He will strike down Jerry Rice with lightning !
    Maybe we can get Hillary & Bill to wear those tight fitting dancer tights so we can laugh at their shapes. Hillary has more rolls than Pechter’s.

    Comment by cousin gary — February 22, 2006 @ 7:35 am

  9. No hunting? But…But…But Jim, happiness is a warm gutpile.

    Comment by rita — February 22, 2006 @ 8:02 am

  10. .. Cousin Gary, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this… but you are going to be punished in the afterlife for that rugby remark…

    .. but I do agree with you about the ballroom dancing…

    Comment by Eric — February 22, 2006 @ 9:04 am

  11. There is something that makes me a bit uneasy about a sport that calls a cluster of guys a “scrum”. Sounds like something that grows just south of smegma. 😉

    Comment by Jim - Parkway Rest Stop — February 22, 2006 @ 9:26 am

  12. CHAINSAWS! Gotdam. Just to start one up and squeeze the throttle a few times and feel that vibration go through my body to my groin. Its enough to give this old man an erection!

    Comment by GUYK — February 23, 2006 @ 7:59 am

  13. Wow! GUYK, be careful with that thing! I mean the chainsaw, of course.

    Comment by Jim - Parkway Rest Stop — February 23, 2006 @ 8:27 am

  14. I have 3 chainsaws, I cut down trees, cut them up and split them for firewood all by my little old self! I have more power tools than most men too. I prefer Menards over Home Depot.
    Now if you really wanna get my panties (I don’t wear any tho)wet, gimme a tractor!

    Comment by livey — February 23, 2006 @ 10:24 pm

  15. Have to agree with you on the skiiing Jim. I tried once… it was more than sufficient – I admit to being the world’s biggest wuss.

    I leave the chainsaw to my husband – he likes splitting logs.

    As for hunting – it’s that whole getting up early in the morning thing. If I could hunt at night I might consider it… then again I’d likely trip over a tree root and shoot myself – so maybe not.

    Home Depot – I take my husband there and let him wander blissfully around the power tools. Odd that so many men seem to find this a fun thing to do… but as long as it makes him happy. *grin*

    Comment by Teresa — February 24, 2006 @ 2:27 pm

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