March 8, 2006

Ted’s Answering Machine.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 7:32 pm

Answering Maching.jpg
PRS operatives have scored another big one. They managed to gain access to Senator Ted Kennedy’s answering machine, which is located in the residence he occupies while in Washington doing the bidding of the citizens of Massachusetts.

Here is a sample of what we found:

“Senator Kennedy, this is Sheriff Bodine Claxon down here in Sticksville, Georgia. Remember that speeding ticket you got here a while back? You never showed up for your court appearance, and the $500 check you sent here to pay the fine bounced like one of them brand new pink sponge balls. Judge Belford, my brother-in-law, was sorely pissed and he issued a bench warrant for your arrest. Just wanted to let you know that if you happen to be traveling in Georgia, you better pack a toothbrush and a jar of Vaseline, because, like Judge Belford said to me the other night at the Lodge, ‘Sticksville ain’t Edgartown.’ Have a nice day.”

“This is Blaze. You wanted me to do what? You a damned pig! I jus’ wanted to let you know that I don’t play that bathroom shit, and you can take yo money and shove it way up yo big, fat white ass. You a fat-assed pig! Damn!”

“Senator Ken…. Ooops, I mean, ‘T-435’, this is Madam Ruthie of the Eros Emporium. I know that the last time you were here you said that on your next visit you wanted to give Blaze a try, and that you had some ‘special activities’ in mind. I’m sorry but Blaze will not be available that evening. However, I do have a wonderful new girl who I am certain can accommodate your specific wishes. She calls herself Hillary. She told me that she took that name, because, like the real Hillary, she will do anything. I think you will be very pleased.”

“Good evening. This is Sam from Stedman’s Medical and Surgical Supplies. We received your order for the adult diapers, but I’m afraid that no one makes an adult diaper to fit a 65-inch waist. If you drop by the store, someone on the staff can show you how to tape two XXXL diapers together, and that may work. I’m not sure, but it’s worth a try. If that doesn’t do the trick, you may have to consider using a twin-size bed sheet, in which case you’ll need to order the extra large pins.”

“Yo, asshole. This is Alphonse Alito. I just got outta Lewisburg. You worked my cousin Sam over pretty good, you punk-ass piece of shit. Just remember, payback is a bitch. Oh, and Sam doesn’t know about this call, and you would be wise – very wise – not to mention it to him. That could cost you the other knee. Know what I’m sayin’ asshole?”


  1. Jimbo,
    thanks for giving me something to read aloud to DEar Husband……

    farookin funny

    Comment by armywifetoddlermom — March 8, 2006 @ 10:46 pm

  2. You mean Alphonse “the Sledge” Alito.

    Man, ol’ Teddy’s got problems.


    Comment by RightWingRocker — March 9, 2006 @ 9:42 am

  3. ..I am in awe of your operatives….

    Comment by Eric — March 9, 2006 @ 4:46 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Leave a comment

Powered by WordPress