April 2, 2006


Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 12:35 pm

The following bit of make-believe was inspired by the things I have been reading in the news.

It started out as just another workday for Tom Armstrong. He arose at the usual time, showered, shaved, combed his hair, brushed his teeth and got dressed for work. He headed down the stairs for his daily blood pressure pill with OJ. As usual, he’d buy coffee at the nearby convenience store and sip it during the forty-minute drive to the office.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he turned toward the dining room, and he saw a rather dirty looking stranger sitting at his dining room table drinking a cup of coffee and reading a foreign language newspaper. The man appeared to be in his late twenties and was in need of a shave. And, he was drinking his coffee from Tom’s favorite weekend coffee cup.

The man looked up from the newspaper and said, “Good morning,” and Tom stopped dead in his tracks, simultaneously frightened and angry.

Tom: “Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my house?”

Hector: “My name’s Hector. There’s some coffee left. You want some?”

Tom: “How did you get in here?”

Hector: “I was going to come in the front door, but you’ve got a good lock on it, so I went around the back. Man, you need a better lock on that door.”

Tom: “You broke into my goddamned house!”

Hector: “Yep. Sure did, Bro.”

Tom: “Well, get the fuck out – NOW!”

Hector: “Sorry, Bro. We plan on staying.”

Tom: “What do mean ’we’?”

At that point, a very pregnant equally grubby-looking, overweight woman entered the dining room from the kitchen. She was eating a sandwich.

Hector: “This is my girlfriend, Maria. Maria, this is Tom Armstrong.”

Tom: “How do you know my name?”

Hector: “I read your mail, Bro. You pay some pretty hefty property tax here, Tom. I’m not surprised; it’s a nice place. By the way, your next quarterly payment was due a week ago. You don’t want to fall behind on that one.”

Maria: “Hey, don’t you have any skim milk? I had to drink whole milk, and I’ not supposed to drink whole milk. You didn’t even have the two percent kind.”

Tom: “Listen, I don’t give a shit who you are, where you came from, or what kind of milk you’re supposed drink. I do give a major shit that you broke into my goddamned house, and I want you to leave now.

Hector: “Sorry, Bro. I already told you: we’re staying. We were living in a shitty place, and, what with Maria being pregnant and all, we decided it was time to move to find a better life, so we came here. We’ve already put our stuff in the downstairs bedroom. Did I mention that Maria’s having twins?”

Tom: “Look, I don’t care if Maria’s having a friggin’ litter of kittens. You can’t just break into someone’s house and refuse to leave. Now, get the hell out of here – both of you!”

Hector: “No way, Tom. In fact, on the way here, we stopped at the emergency room to have Maria looked at and to make arrangements for the birth of the twins. The doctor and the hospital will be sending you the bill.”

Maria: “Hey Tom. I have a shopping list here for you. You can stop off at the supermarket on your way home from work today to pick this stuff up. I need lots of fresh vegetables, fresh fruit, and some nice chicken breasts. Oh, and pick up a half gallon of skim milk. I told you I can’t drink that shit you have. I’ve checked your kitchen, and you don’t have the kinds of things Hector and I like to eat. I’ll give you another list tomorrow.”

Hector: “Oh, and while your shopping, don’t forget to stop at the store next to the supermarket and pick me up a large bottle of Tequila. Nothing fancy. Jose Cuervo will do. That bourbon you have just doesn’t do it for me, Bro.”

Tom: “The hospital and the doctor are sending me bills for your medical care? You want me to buy you groceries? You two are crazy.”

Hector: “We’ll also be needing some new clothes, but we can talk about that when you get home from work. Oh, and tomorrow night, try to get home from work a little early, because I have to borrow your car. Maria and I are going to visit some friends and we don’t have a car.”

Tom: “You’re out of your goddamned mind! That’s it. If you two sorry-asses are not out of this house in one minute, I’m calling the cops.”

Hector: “Cops? Heh! Go ahead, Bro – call ‘em.”

Tom: “OK, assholes. I’ll do just that. They’ll take you both out of here in cuffs.”

Tom dials the phone, while Hector returns to reading the newspaper and Maria makes another sandwich.

Fitzsimmons: “Police department. This is Sergeant Fitzsimmons. How can I help you?”

Tom: “Sergeant Fitzsimmons, this is Tom Armstrong. I live on 423 Oakwood Way, and I want to report a breaking and entering.”

Fitzsimmons: “A break-in? When did this happen, Mr. Armstrong?”

Tom: “Some time early this morning. They broke in through the back door?”

Fitzsimmons: “You said ’they’. Did you get a look at the perpetrators?”

Tom: “Hell yeah, I got a look at them. They’re here now!”

Fitzsimmons: “Oh … Are they demanding that you buy them groceries and stuff like that?”

Tom: “Yeah.”

Fitzsimmons: “Yep. That’s what I figured.”

Tom: “What do you mean, that what you figured? These criminals broke into my goddamned house. Send a car over here right now to arrest them.”

Fitzsimmons: “I’m afraid we can’t do that, Mr. Armstrong.”

Tom: “Didn’t you hear what I said? These people broke into my house! Isn’t that illegal?”

Fitzsimmons: “The thing is, Mr. Armstrong, something must be going on. We have had hundreds of incidents just like this over the past week.”

Tom: “I don’t give a shit. I want them out of my house.”

Fitzsimmons: “It is just not realistic for us to arrest hundreds of people all over town. We don’t have the manpower to do that. Maybe you can put ‘em to work and sort of let them earn their keep. How about having them cut your lawn and take care of your gardening? Quite a few people are doing that.”

Tom: “Are you out of your goddamned mind? The kid next door cuts my lawn, and my friend brother-in-law does my gardening.”

Fitzsimmons: “Yeah, but these two will do it cheaper.”

Tom: “Do you understand me? These people are in my house illegally. Waddya say I go upstairs, get my gun and shoot these two trespassers?”

Fitzsimmons: “Oh, I would not advise that, Mr. Armstrong, particularly if they are not threatening you with bodily harm.”

Tom: “This is bullshit!”

Tom slams the receiver down, and Hector looks up from his newspaper.

Hector: “So what did he say?”

Tom: “He said that there are hundreds of people in town who broke into houses just like you two assholes broke into mine.”

Hector: “You’re being pretty insensitive, Bro. Maria and me, we have our civil rights, you know.”

Tom: “Civil rights, my ass. You broke into my house. That’s illegal, and I want you and your pregnant girlfriend the hell out of here!”

Hector: “You’re going to be late for work, Tom. You had best be going. Don’t forget the groceries and tequila on your way home. While you’re at work, I’ll start moving the stuff out of your computer room. I figure that would be a great room for the twins.”



    Comment by Ken Adams — April 2, 2006 @ 1:17 pm

  2. … nicely done, man…. and the sad thing is that it is probably a true story…

    Comment by Eric — April 2, 2006 @ 1:28 pm

  3. Jim, you’ve outdone yourself!

    All I can say is “WTF??”

    Comment by Sapper Mike — April 2, 2006 @ 2:54 pm

  4. I second the Brilliant!

    Comment by Sgt Hook — April 2, 2006 @ 5:50 pm

  5. Brilliant!

    A must read.

    Trackback by Sgt Hook - This We'll Defend — April 2, 2006 @ 5:53 pm

  6. Coming soon to a kitchen near you…?

    This is satire. Or is it? No one should be surprised if something eerily similar to this happens sometime in the very near future. For my part, I won’t call…

    Trackback by Spatula City BBS! — April 2, 2006 @ 6:04 pm

  7. I’ll third the brilliant, and add a comment.

    Don’t forget the book Hector’s current landlord gave him that shows him how to break into people’s houses and explains al of the services he should request upon getting in there.

    While it is clear that this is the perfect illustration of the problems we face with illegal aliens, it will sadly be lost on those liberals and so-called conservatives who wish to use these people to make political hay.

    The so-called Right in this country is so far to the left, it’s getting harder every day to tell them apart.


    Comment by RightWingRocker — April 2, 2006 @ 6:23 pm

  8. That’s absolutely and frighteningly perfect. Awesome!

    Comment by Barb — April 2, 2006 @ 6:34 pm

  9. Excellent. I posted an excerpt and link at
    The Parable Of The Visitor.

    Comment by Bill Faith — April 2, 2006 @ 7:00 pm

  10. It would have been a lot better if Tom had have killed the messicans.

    Comment by Lizard King — April 2, 2006 @ 7:15 pm

  11. You just took the whole problem and made it personal. Maybe some people will understand immigration now. BRAVO!

    Comment by Jenna — April 2, 2006 @ 9:56 pm

  12. Brilliant.
    Would be very funny if it was not very sad.
    It puts the issue in the right perspective for all the supporters and defenders of ‘undocumented workers’

    Comment by olga — April 2, 2006 @ 11:31 pm

  13. Thats it man You are going to get labeled a racist and trouble maker, You will probably have a protest in your front yard now.
    Great post tho.

    Comment by Robert — April 2, 2006 @ 11:55 pm

  14. This Modern-Day Parable…

    …brought to you by Parkway Rest Stop. Go read, it’s a five-course food for thought….

    Trackback by Who Tends the Fires — April 3, 2006 @ 12:09 pm

  15. the only question i have is why did he wait to shoot intruders.
    great take on it i agree its the only frikken way people will wake up and realize this is nothing short of an invasion,mexican government sponsored

    Comment by warren — April 3, 2006 @ 1:56 pm

  16. Outstanding!

    A breathtakingly brilliant post from our man on the Parkway… Jim you have such a way with words!…

    Trackback by Technicalities — April 3, 2006 @ 2:27 pm

  17. Brilliant!!!

    Comment by SK — April 3, 2006 @ 2:59 pm

  18. Warren – It may be Mexican but, your Senators and mine are likely to pass a bill nearly identical to what they passed in 1986. Seen any increased enforcement since then? Our Congress is part of the problem!

    Comment by MCPO Airdale — April 3, 2006 @ 4:38 pm

  19. immigrant domain

    Yeah, it’s just a wild fantasy from a fevered brow, but it ain’t that far from the truth. Jim has…

    Trackback by Gut Rumbles — April 3, 2006 @ 8:26 pm

  20. Out-fucking-standing!

    Comment by Florida Bill — April 4, 2006 @ 8:13 am

  21. “Remember the Alamo!”

    I’m not surprised this country is forgetting how to defend itself. Look how the feminization of boys and PC B.S. has taken the forefront in our educational system. Oh, and lets make English the second language while we’re at it.

    Comment by Mick — April 4, 2006 @ 11:34 am

  22. Jim,

    Great point – illegal immigrants are just that, *illegal* (and need to get the fawk out), but poor (IMHO) choice on your part to perpetuate the stereotype of the dirty Mexican. I’m about as far away from being a liberal apologist as you can get. Just kinda thought you were above that in a ‘stick to the facts’ sort of way.

    Ed T.

    Comment by Ed T. — April 4, 2006 @ 6:17 pm

  23. Wonderfully writen. Makes me wonder what I will find at my home
    today after the protest marches through Phoenix.

    Comment by ralphd00d — April 10, 2006 @ 6:22 pm

  24. hit’s the nail on the head.lets say 5 million Americans just
    decide to up and move to mexico.fawk customs,fawk their government,fawk their laws.
    just like we’ve been done.well,i think it’s pretty clear that,were it the other way around
    we’d be in the middle of the second Spanish/American War.this whole snafu is dispicable
    and deplorable.and the only thing that could make that story better IMHO,would be if,Mr.Tom Armstrong
    were one of the Senators or Governors in favor of allowing these ILLEGAL persons to
    stay here.here’s some irony for you,seen the new ten Dollar bill??
    We The People.lmao and what happenned to that?? A Government For The People,BY

    Comment by DizTuRbD — April 21, 2006 @ 10:36 am

  25. Ain’t it the truth.

    You’re right. I like the post.

    Comment by Cumudgeon — February 23, 2007 @ 10:08 am

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