Return to Sender.
June 4, 2006
Dear Comrade Abu Musab al-Zarqawi,
Praise Allah in all His Greatness, I wanted to drop you a note to let you know that I’m doing pretty well, although cave life can be somewhat unpleasant sometimes. It is always pretty dark in here, and the food sucks. One can only eat so much camel meat, and we ran out of dates and coffee.
Fortunately, Allah blessed us with a couple cases of MRE’s that were stolen from the stupid American Infidels. I really love the Mac ‘n Cheese, and this Kool-Aid stuff is terrific, especially the cherry. You should try it sometime.
It can get to be pretty boring here, but I pass the time by watching the battery-operated satellite TV and surfing the web (We have WiFi). I must say that our friends at CNN and the Infidel television networks are doing an excellent job. Oh, and I just love reading the New York Times on the web. It makes my day – every day, praise Allah.
Still, I am tiring of cave dwelling, and could use a few days in a real house with a kitchen and stuff like that. Besides, it’s time for my annual bath.
I received your last letter, and I know where you and our associates will be for a few days, beginning on June 8th. I plan on joining you there sometime on the 9th or 10th. I’ll send you an encrypted e-mail a few hours before my arrival, so you’ll know when to expect me. Please advise your security people that I will be wearing a burqa, and I’ll answer to the name “Nawalâ€.
Praise Allah and his Greatness, I hope this finds you well, and I am looking forward to seeing you sometime on the 9th or 10th.
Yours in Jihad,
Osama
Wearing a burqa… ROFL! Oh yeah I can see that – he’d be so pretty.
Now if only he’d been in the house with Zarqawi.
Comment by Teresa — June 8, 2006 @ 10:58 pm
Return to Sender,
Address unknown.
Mistuh al-Zarqawi,
Yer cover’s blown.
(And so’s yer ass. Up, that is…)
Even better, I got 86 points for picking this son of a bitch in The Dead Pool! (http://deadpool.isfullofcrap.com)
Comment by Elisson — June 9, 2006 @ 5:23 pm
… his days are numbered too… insha’allah…
Comment by Eric — June 9, 2006 @ 6:42 pm
Praise be to Allah, the all-powerful, for using his mighty hand to smite me into unconsciousness via too much fig wine before my journey to visit you. I passed out in a puddle of my own puke, Allah Akbar!
Otherwise, I might have been able to achieve eternal glory through courageous martyrdom, kinda like what YOU experienced in that cowardly attack, executed (Ha! Pardon the pun!) by godless infidels.
Allah be praised. How are the virgins in the wonderful afterlife?
This cave really ain’t too bad when I think about what happened to you.
Your dearest friend, Osama
Comment by Acidman — June 14, 2006 @ 12:06 am