July 19, 2006

Dear Mr. Dogshit.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:59 pm

Dear Mr. Dogshit:

At the outset, and in the interest of fairness, I would like to thank you for not walking your dog in front of my house and letting your dog shit all over my sidewalk. I’m sure that my neighbors on either side of my property thank you as well.

Having said that, I believe that you, sir, are an inconsiderate swine.

Oh, don’t pretend to be shocked. Over the past several years, I have seen you early in the morning taking your dog for a “walk” and permitting him/her to shit liberally on your own sidewalk, where you just leave these piles of doggie dung as a little surprise for the poor bastards who happen to walk past your house. I gather that your Dogshit Removal Plan is to have the aforesaid poor bastards remove the disgusting masses bit by bit on the bottom of their shoes. Perhaps you just choose to wait for rain. In either case, you need your ass kicked.

A while back, before I became aware of your curious “Dogshit Removal Plan”, I happened to step in one of the many caca mines all over the sidewalk, which you seem think are just fine. I have since become aware of your “Screw-Everybody-It’s-My-Sidewalk” attitude and, as such, when I come to your stretch of sidewalk during my morning walk, I am ever so vigilant so as not to step on one of the many piles of sidewalk shit that seem to bother you not one goddamned bit.

Let me point out to you, Mr. Dogshit, that the sidewalks are there subject to the town’s easement, for the purpose of permitting pedestrians to walk in front of your property, presumably free from having to do a daunting dance to avoid stepping in any number of shit piles. Let me also remind you that, pursuant to a local ordinance, you have a duty to clean up the dogshit generated by your dog on the sidewalk, irrespective of where the sidewalk happens to be.

I am rather fortunate, because I have come to learn of your thoughtless behavior, but pity the hapless pedestrian who does not expect to walk into a minefield of dogshit. I offer a particularly generous helping of pity for the person who must walk on “your” sidewalk at night. The odds of such a person stepping into one of your fecal treats approaches unity.

Mind you I don’t blame your dog, for it is you, Mr. Dogshit, who trained him/her to shit all over the sidewalk.

Don’t bother trying to deny any of this, Mr. Dogshit, because Ol’ Jimbo the techno-tard, now has one of those spiffy cell phones with a camera in it. I have learned how to use it, and I wear that Star Trek-like device in the mornings when I do my walk.

The good news for you, you inconsiderate turd, is that the walkway to the Municipal Court remains dogshit free.


  1. Might be amusing to take along a small shovel and relocate said landmines to, say, his front porch? Like on any ‘Welcome’ mat he might have, or someplace where HE would be likely to step on them? Along with a note explaining why such relocation took place, of course…

    Comment by DMerriman — July 19, 2006 @ 10:14 pm

  2. As courtesy to other passers-by, who might not be cognizant of the risks inherent in passing this particular piece of sidewalk, I think a bit more public exposure of the problem might be warranted. Maybe a nice letter to the local paper, accompanied by pictures and a complete legal description of the property in question.

    (You can get tax records here, by the way)

    Comment by Ken Adams — July 19, 2006 @ 10:27 pm

  3. Just so happens, I know a dog poop photography expert.

    Let me know, and I can put you in touch.

    Comment by Craig — July 19, 2006 @ 10:47 pm

  4. You learned how to use your new phone already? I’m so impressed. I haven’t even figured out how to change the ringtone yet much less take photos.

    Comment by Libby — July 20, 2006 @ 12:25 am

  5. Dog Poop Photography is indeed a specialty and requires degrees, an exam, state licensing, internships, etc. Don’t be taken in by wannabes and the many FLY BY NIGHT companies that are pooping up all over the place lately.

    Comment by dogette — July 20, 2006 @ 9:21 am

  6. I’m a new blogger who loves a good RANT and damn if the dog shit post wasn’t a good one!
    When I lived in Columbia, SC, we had an asshole neighbor who did the very same thing so, after repeatedly talking to the jerk about it, I took action.
    All I did was buy a huge can of cayanne (sp?) pepper, mixed it in with water, borrowed my nephew’s “Super Soaker” then sprayed the sidewalk and my side yard nearest the asshole’s house every afternoon for a few days.
    Asshat’s bitch wouldn’t go NEAR that area after he/she/it got a snootfull of that stuff! It should work for you too. For added enjoyment, make sure the inconsiderate watches you doing it and dare the prick to do something about it.
    Good Hunting!

    Comment by Ron Doble — July 20, 2006 @ 12:14 pm

  7. HAHAHAA. I needed a laugh.

    Perhaps you need to take a paper bag, lighter and scoop with you… fill the bag, place it on his front porch, light it, ring the doorbell, and continue on your midnight jog…

    Comment by Mike R. — July 20, 2006 @ 1:58 pm

  8. The solution is simple.

    1. Pick up dog turds with Pooper-Scooper.

    2. Insert turds in brown paper bag.

    3. Place bag on Mr. Dogshit’s front step.

    4. Set bag on fire.

    5. Ring doorbell.

    6. Run!

    If this is too much work for you, you can farm the labor out to one of the neighborhood J.D.’s. Hell, you might find one who’ll do it pro bono.

    Comment by Elisson — July 20, 2006 @ 11:48 pm

  9. Or you could make warning signs and post them on each side of the property next to the sidewalk…

    Warning 67 Dogwood Lane dog shit disaster area. Enter at your own risk.

    Comment by Teresa — July 20, 2006 @ 11:55 pm

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