March 6, 2007

Hillary’s Memo to the Staff.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:41 pm


From: The Seriously Honorable Hillary Rodham Clinton

To: The Morons on my Campaign Staff

Subject: Selma and Beyond

I’ve absolutely had it with you incompetent boobs!

Surely you’ve seen the news, you’ve heard those fascist bastards on the radio, and you’ve read those wing-nut bloggers all having a field day playing cuts from my speech in Selma. Oh yeah, they were having a pisser making fun of my Southern and black accents. I want you butt noses to know that it is all your goddamned fault.

At the outset, let me say that if I find out which one of you dumbshits retained that woman to teach me to talk black, I’ll fire your ass in a heartbeat. After hours of lessons the bitch told me that I sounded just like Wanda Sykes, and you bastards all nodded with approval. So, I went to Selma and did my best black schtick and I sounded like an asshole. Meanwhile Obama, was down the street talking black and kicking my ass. I want you to find out who taught Obama to talk black and pay him five times whatever Obama paid him.

I relied on you morons to do the advance work, and look what the hell happened! Apparently, I have do all the thinking around here. Therefore, so I don’t get blindsided on my next trip to the South, I want to see the following things accomplished, like, YESTERDAY:

1. Clothing: How do you expect me to relate to these southern knuckle walkers dressed in a goddamned New York City goddamned pants suit. I want to arrange for the purchase of several outfits of the type worn by this woman. This is a sure winner, but I sure as shit can’t depend on you Vassar and Radcliff dolts to see the obvious.

2. Recipes: A shitload of women wanted to talk to me about goddamned recipes! Jesus Christ! I haven’t cooked any goddamned thing since, well, never. Get me some goddamned recipes for stuff like squirrels, ham hocks, possum, black eyed peas and collards. Oh, and I need someone to tell me what the hell sweet tea and blush puppies are.

3. Catchy Phrases: I also want you sorry asses to put together a list of really quaint southern sayings for me to work in my conversations with these Neanderthals. You know, shit like, “Damn, it’s colder’n a well digger’s asshole.” and “Well, strip my gears and call me shiftless.”

I don’t want to hear any bullshit from any of you about these demands. Put down your goddamned Blackberries and get busy.

Oh, I almost forgot. I will be speaking in Chicago in a few weeks. Get that Zbignew Brrzezinski guy to call me. (Yeah, geniuses, he’s the guy who worked for Carter.) I want him to teach me how to talk with a Polish accent and tell me all about kielbasa and shit.


  1. I never ran so fast in my life as I did to scramble to hit the pause mute delete stop shutdown gothef*ckawayyouevilcankledhag button on my computer.

    Who the hell told her that that stoooopid voice was an ‘okay’ thing to do?

    Comment by Erica — March 6, 2007 @ 9:50 pm

  2. Oh, Jimbo!

    You the man! You keep me rolling!

    “How do you expect me to relate to these southern knuckle walkers dressed in a goddamned New York City goddamned pants suit.”

    It’s bad enough that she’s so damn ugly anyway…but then she has to go and throw on those BUTT ugly pantsuits (which are so damn 1970’s ANYWAY, Shrillery!)! YE-GAWDS! I want so much for that skanky turd to crash and burn once and for all…but, considering all of the hopelessly mediocre GOP candidates running for election…methinks that it might be better to have her around for sheer entertainment purposes.

    I will tell you this: if she is the skanky candidate of choice for the dimocraps and she drags her rather HUGE ass to my beloved Colorado…I’m getting out of town until they are done with their illicit lovefest!


    Comment by Lee — March 7, 2007 @ 12:52 am

  3. Jim….This woman may be well-educated, having attended Wellesley or Vassar or whatever-the-hell Ivy League college she attended, but she obviously missed that large part of her education called social graces. First of all, no one in the South speaks that way, especially African-Americans. So, a northern woman trying to duplicate a southern dialect just sounds like a moron. And…secondly, we in the south would never be so “sans couth” as to try.

    Comment by Barbara — March 7, 2007 @ 6:44 am

  4. […] Back to the Hildebeest impersonating a Southerner: Try as we might, there’s just no way we can make fun of it as well as LC & IB Jim of Parkway Rest Stop, so we’ll just concede defeat. […]

    Pingback by Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Blog Archive » “Well Strip Mah Gears an’ Cawl Me Shiftless!” — March 7, 2007 @ 12:21 pm

  5. Okay, Jimbo, when did you tap her phone line? That’s just the sort of conversation I imagined went on after her appearance in Selma.

    If she ends up the Democratic nominee, all the Republican nominee will have to do is sit back and let her implode. And have press releases in her own words/voices.

    How many more months of this sh*t do we have?

    Comment by joated — March 7, 2007 @ 12:57 pm

  6. If this bitch gets elected to the white house, I’m going to need a sex change…….I’ll be too embarrassed to be a female!

    Comment by Ruthlessma — March 7, 2007 @ 1:16 pm

  7. Ruthlessma — March 7, 2007 @ 1:16 pm

    If this bitch gets elected to the White House, we’re all going to be needing a change.


    Comment by RightWingRocker — March 7, 2007 @ 1:31 pm

  8. I never ran so fast in my life as I did to scramble to hit the pause mute delete stop shutdown gothef*ckawayyouevilcankledhag button on my computer“…

    I mean damn! Erica that has to be one of the greatest comments of all time about the hildabitch!

    Thanks for making me laugh my ass off…

    Comment by juandos — March 7, 2007 @ 6:03 pm

  9. Efica: That had to be one of the best posts Ive EVER seen. As for the sex changes, if the hildebeest get up y’all can migrate here to the great continent of AUSTRALIA where you will always be welcome!Its a day in front of you here, you could find out whats up tomorrow.haha.Terry

    Comment by tasdevilisdead — March 7, 2007 @ 7:05 pm

  10. If this bitch gets elected to the White House, we’re all going to need to BE changed! Stock up on the Depends now…just in case!

    Comment by Lee — March 8, 2007 @ 12:25 am

  11. Agreed: Erica’s “evil cankled hag” phrase is absolutely priceless. We’re not worthy.

    Comment by dogette — March 8, 2007 @ 10:13 am

  12. Uhhh…thanks?

    Sorry Jimbo, I could never steal your thunder, no matter how much I bribe them with.

    Comment by Erica — March 8, 2007 @ 4:46 pm

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