Toidy Paper “Men”.
Let me say this. I have never put toilet paper over a toilet seat before I sit on it. To me, if a men’s room is scuzzy enough to worry about that (e.g. your typical shit-smeared, piss smelling, puke on the floor joint), I’ll make other arrangements to take care of No. 2.
No, I’m talking about a men’s room, which is not open to the public and which is accessible to only a few people who work in my vicinity. I’m talking about a men’s room that is regularly cleaned to a state of military spotlessness.
So, today I find that someone who used the men’s room before me felt compelled to cover the toilet seat with toilet paper — obviously not a guy who spent any time in the military. Now, I’m a “live-and-let-live†kinda guy. Hey, if you feel you want to cover a spotless seat with toilet paper before you place your royal ass on it, fine with me.
However; if covering the seat with toilet paper so as to ensure that your precious heiney cheeks never touch anything but toilet paper makes you happy, that’s fine, BUT when you are finished, kindly flush the goddamned ass paper down the toilet. Don’t leave it for the next poor slob ME to flush your goddamned Howard Huges ass-protection paper down the toilet.
Look, Dipshit, I’ve already got Algorism and Nancy Pelosi’s butt nuggetry tormenting me, so I don’t need to be worrying about how to get your goddamned ass-barrier toidy paper into the bowl and flush it away.
It would take the Army about twelve seconds to straighten out your sorry, papered protected ass.
That is all.
Lovely.
Welcome to my world, where we not only have used liners left on the seat, half flushed while still on the seat, but where “treasure” that ought to be buried, sadly, is not. Many times it’s on the seat; sometimes on the floor.
I wonder if the husbands of these ladies could appreciate that their wives engage in this disconcerting practice. Or maybe they would just prefer putting on a leash and going out for a walk instead.
[/feeling your pain]
Comment by Erica — April 5, 2007 @ 9:07 pm
Toilet seat liners?….Oh, you mean ass gaskets!
Comment by JihadGene — April 5, 2007 @ 11:42 pm
I laughed so hard I need some toidy paper.
Comment by Cousin Jack — April 6, 2007 @ 4:23 am
Not to make light of your washroom woes, but I am laughing my ass off right now (yes, pun intended). That shit drives me crazy (I can’t help it, sorry) – in the ‘ladies’ room (and I use that term loosely), these morons who squat drive me bonkers when they piss all over the seat and leave it there. Sit your ass down and pee dammit!
Comment by Chickie — April 6, 2007 @ 8:28 am
… people are just too damn fragile these days….
Comment by Eric — April 6, 2007 @ 10:26 am
Jimbo… I feel your pain. Where I work we have ladies who are not accustomed to flushing toilet paper (used) OR any feminine hygiene products down the toilet. As I understand it, this is not a practice in Mexico because anything other than the ‘business’ will clog their toilets up. I guess they don’t understand that our pipes here are equipped to handle TP. So the option? They just leave it ALL on the floor AROUND the toilets. I just try to make it to the rest room before the masses take a break and leave the bathroom looking like a bio-hazardous waste site.
Maybe you could keep a latex glove in your pocket? LOL!
I thank God for the Chevron up the street (I never thought I’d say that)and stop drinking water after their break.
Comment by Pixie — April 6, 2007 @ 2:38 pm
To any poor bastard who actually has to line their seat with some sort of protection before sitting on what may or may not be a pristine toilet seat: Do a stint in a coal mine sometime.
Propping your ass up on two perfectly spaced lumps of coal in order to ‘comfortably’ take your squat next to the furballs (moldy turds) from a couple days ago may just cure you of the need to protect your ass from some unknown elements.
What a waste of trees.
Comment by Cumudgeon — April 6, 2007 @ 3:32 pm
I must have been channeling you this afternoon, cause I was asking a similar question but in regards to the “ladies” room……
Lazy asses…..
Comment by Tammi — April 6, 2007 @ 5:20 pm
I’m a “migrant high-tech worker” and I been in a *lot* of men’s rooms. I’ve also worked in restaurants and I’ve had to clean several “women’s” rooms. (Women may be anal-retentive at home, but they are disgusting pigs outside of the home.) I really hate having to clean some a**hole’s urine (or worse) off the toilet seat before I can use it, and it’s usually fruitless to search for a clean toilet seat. Incivility and anti-social behavior are contagious.
So, I am now in the habit of using the seat covers whenever they are available. BTW, the seat covers are designed to go down with the flush…
Comment by Mike Austin — April 6, 2007 @ 7:10 pm
Penn & Teller’s Bullshit! had an episode on societal obsession with safety, etc., and they mentioned the toilet-seat-sitting thing. Upshot, after some scientific interviews, even, was “park your damned heiney and enjoy” (i.e., forget the paper) because urine, at least, is sterile.
Mini-rant. Women’s rooms are some of the nastiest places on earth. My theory is, *some* of yer momses bring their toddluhs who are perhaps just learning about the toidy vs. the diaper, and when there are OOPSIES it’s “Oh well, this isn’t our bathroom, so why clean up? Let’s bag ass.”
Comment by dogette — April 6, 2007 @ 8:57 pm
And thus, Jimbo takes a few more tentative steps into the Deep Swamp that is Shit-Blogging…
I believe in the old “Do not do unto others that which is hateful to you” dictum. Which means, I try to leave a reasonably pristine crapper after I’ve dropped a couple of Matzoh Balls in the Soup. Alas, not everyone is so considerate. Too many “Random Acts of Careless Shittage” going around these days…
Comment by "Snake" Plissken — April 6, 2007 @ 10:29 pm
Oh, yes – and what about the slobs that Crimp Off a Length, smear shit all over the restroom…and then waltz out without washing their hands? Gaaaahhhhh!!!!
Comment by "Snake" Plissken — April 6, 2007 @ 10:38 pm
Yes, this is just another half-assed adaptation of our limp wristed policy of multiculturalism.
Our obsessive need for shit shims, (in and of itself), should be more than enough justification for immigration reform.
Alas, I miss the good old days of the rustic outhouse, the trusty sears & robuck, and the venerable corncob of yore.
(note to self: – need more corn in diet)
Comment by everydayjoe — April 6, 2007 @ 11:30 pm
the venerable corncob of yore.
No, up yores.
Comment by Cousin Jack — April 7, 2007 @ 3:12 am
In Iraq when Baghdad first fell, the first order of business was a latrine. Due to the circumstances, it was coed and communal. It worked liked this: cut a 50 gallon drum, fill will some diesel fuel, contruct a plywood seat, and make 11 more. Place all 12 in the same tent, seperated by cammo netting was only waist high. Come in, do your business next to your neighbor with no privacy, maybe opposite sex, smelling like feces, urine and diesel gas with 10,000 flies and 125 degrees. At the end of the day, the drums get pulled out of the tent and lit on fire. Poor low ranking slobs have to stir the crap, urine, diesel fuel with a big stick while inhaling the fumes for 45 minutes until gone (it does take that long). Now THAT is an Army shitter.
Comment by Travis — April 7, 2007 @ 4:47 am
As far as general bathroom slob-ery, women take the cake.
I can’t even begin to fathom the number of times I accidentally sat on a pee-covered seat (obviously left there by the “lady” previous who did the “hover” move and felt above giving the seat a good post-pee swab).
Thank God pee is sterile, otherwise I would be dead by now.
Comment by TJ — April 7, 2007 @ 9:58 am
Oh yeah. I was just thinking about this last week, prompted by a trip to the Ladies’ in Newark Airport. There’s be far less environmental hygiene issues if people would just sit down and pee like they’re supposed to.
The paper seat covers serve as excellent wetness detectors. Also – “ass gaskets” – har!
Comment by Suzette — April 7, 2007 @ 10:28 am
[…] Jimbo ponders the big questions, as usual. To wrap, or not to wrap? That is, hygienically speaking, the big question. I personally might put a wafer-thing sheaf of paper between my rosy cheeks and the seat, should it come to that. It’s more out of habit than from any hope of erecting a sort of magical barrier, blocking diseases. It is, after all, merely a micrometer-thin sheet of tissue, and not a Trojan. […]
Pingback by You Bitch! || The Ass Gasket — April 7, 2007 @ 12:14 pm
What really gets me, is when some poor road weary shmuck uses a fast food restaurant shitter,after riding ten hours, walks out of the can, notices the hotties looking at him and grinning, and then sees that he stepped on some creep’s ass barrier toilet paper and it’s still stuck to his boot.
Pisses me off everytime…
Comment by That 1 Guy — April 8, 2007 @ 4:22 pm