Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Seltzer Rum.
Craig at mtpolitics pointed to this site, where one answers a series of questions in order to have one’s pirate name chosen in a most scientific fashion.

Craig ended up with a cool name, “Dirty Jack Cash.” I wanted a cool name too.

I headed to the site and answered all the questions, including the one about the parrot and the one about penguins. Mind you, I took this test without studying even a little bit, which is pretty gutsy for me.

I finally reached the point where I was one click away from getting my really cool pirate name. I paused before clicking, hoping that I got a name as cool as Craig’s.

I clicked.

My pirate name? “Mad Morty Cash.” Morty??? A Jewish pirate? I can hear it now. “Oy, ye stinkin’ sea rats. I’ll keelhaul the next man who I sees eatin’ meat and dairy together!”

I suppose this could mean that Craig and I are related. Jack and Morty Cash sailing the seven seas in search of the perfect pastrami.

Oy.

Update:
After reading this, Craig (the seadog Mensch, a/k/a “Dirty Jack Cash”) took things one step further and wrote “The Adventures of Jack and Morty Cash, P.C.,” the story of the pirates who insist that everything be glatt Kosher.

Swallow your coffee before you start reading.