August 17, 2007

Mr. Stump.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:54 pm


This is what I saw directly in front of the House by the Parkway when I returned from work yesterday. The thing is that yesterday, before I left home for work, this was a tree roughly as high as my house. In fact, I used that tree that very morning to lean on to stretch my legs after my walk. I’ve been using that tree for that purpose for at least a half dozen years, and I sure as hell didn’t ask anyone to cut it down.

I know that it had to be the town that cut down the tree, because the town actually “owns” the trees that reside between the sidewalk and the curb. It was the town that planted the tree (now Mr. Stump) about fifteen years ago after some douche bag smacked into and destroyed the then-existing tree with his car.

But still, WTF? Nobody smacked into this tree. It was perfectly fine just ten hours earlier.

I entered the house pissed to the max.

When I asked Mrs. Parkway, who was home all day that day, if she saw that some son of a bitch cut down our tree, she explained that a town tree guy knocked on the door and explained that half the tree was dead. He opined that the tree should, therefore, be cut down, but that the frontage of the house was actually wide enough to accommodate two trees, which he said the town would return at a later date to plant.

Hell, I thought the tree was perfectly fine, but: (a) I’m not a tree mavin, and (b) there was no point in giving Mrs. Parkway or the town, for that matter, a ration of shit, as neither would have brought my tree back.

So, the bottom line is that, probably sometime in the tree planting season (whenever the hell that is) the town will show up and plant a couple saplings in front of the house. Great. I figure that by the time they are real trees, I’ll be seventy-farookin’-five. Hell, I’m still young enough to buy green bananas, but sheesh!

I think I would have kept the half-dead tree, which, as noted above, didn’t look at all dead to me.

Progress? Feh!


  1. Not to make light of your unfortunate situation, but I find it ironic, and somewhat karmic, that you delude yourself into believing that Brooklyn has no trees.

    Sorry to point out the obvious here, but neither does the front of **** House by the Parkway Street, Shithole, NJ 077**.

    Comment by Erica — August 17, 2007 @ 9:18 pm

  2. Well, the good news is that the optimal time to plant most trees is fall… The bad news is if it is like my town, you will get some straggly tree that will take years to look better than Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. Your tax dollars at work!

    Comment by jck — August 17, 2007 @ 9:56 pm

  3. Don’t argue with The City, Jim. They know what is best for you.

    Comment by Craig — August 17, 2007 @ 10:16 pm

  4. If you hada been there you could have seen a chain saw in action!

    Comment by GUYK — August 17, 2007 @ 10:48 pm

  5. When I lived in Seattle, the City came along and cut down a bunch of trees on my street. They left fliers on our cars saying that they were “managing the urban forest.” Oy. *Urban Forest* my eye! Gotta love those urban planners….not!

    Comment by DogsDontPurr — August 18, 2007 @ 12:04 am

  6. Around here, they like to “trim” the trees near the power lines. So you end up with a bunch of U-shaped trees that look like a referee calling a good field goal kick. I like the NJ attitude better. Just cut ‘er down and replant.

    Comment by Jerry — August 18, 2007 @ 12:17 am

  7. Jimbo, don’t have them plant anymore trees – trees suck !!! Send the town to my area so I can have rest of tress on block cut down.

    Comment by The Body Guard — August 18, 2007 @ 6:38 am

  8. […] good buddy and fellow Georgia Blown-eyed Blodger, Jimbo, the one with great Farookin’ hair, lost a close personal friend. Coincidentally his property value decreased at the same time. So he might want to head down to the […]

    Pingback by The Dax Files » For Jimbo… — August 18, 2007 @ 7:00 am

  9. …. you guys have just let your local governments get away with too much for too long…. hell, if the county showed up here to cut one of my trees, they’d be hat-in-hand and saying ‘please’….

    Comment by Eric — August 18, 2007 @ 7:27 am

  10. Just another reason to move south.

    Comment by Dick — August 18, 2007 @ 7:52 am

  11. Oh bummer Jim! I know how you feel about that tree. We have tons of trees now, probably on the order of way too many… wish I could send you one or two to brighten your parkway.

    Comment by Teresa — August 18, 2007 @ 10:58 am

  12. damn… how can there be a PARKway with no trees??

    Comment by Jean — August 18, 2007 @ 11:23 am

  13. hmmm, just about wide enough for a baby gator wading pool.

    Comment by james old guy — August 18, 2007 @ 12:24 pm

  14. Dang, I feel like such a dooshbag now. Here I am, being mean to you, as usual, while everyone else is offering kind words of support. So I got to thinking…there’s no reason why you can’t personalize Mr. Stump. You know? Make him your own. Show him some love.

    I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way.


    Comment by Erica — August 18, 2007 @ 12:55 pm

  15. Hey, Erica! NJ sucks because of the MASS MIGRATION of NEW YAWKERS over the last 30 years or so, especially the ones from Brooklyn! Notice that the migration is almost ALWAYS East, from New Friggin’ Yawk to NJ. THAT’S why in certain areas of NJ, only the mangled language of Brooklynese is spoken. 🙂 Brooklyn people, out here (or for that matter, ANYWHERE!) stick out like a sore……uh, thumb. 😉

    Comment by Jerry The K — August 18, 2007 @ 1:41 pm

  16. WEST, damnit, WEST!!! (Typing too quickly due to the RCOA….Red Curtain Of Anger….covering my eyes!)Actually, Long Island is “country” to most Brooklynites! 😉

    Comment by Jerry The K — August 18, 2007 @ 1:43 pm

  17. Mrs. Parkway is so very clever, she knows that cutting down trees will result in flooding. Say goodbye to all that basement sh** she has been begging you to part with, township tree person indeed.

    Comment by sinister linda — August 18, 2007 @ 3:09 pm

  18. DogsDon’tPurr: Love your screen name.

    Comment by CatsDon'tBarkandDrool — August 18, 2007 @ 4:21 pm

  19. Hey pal, I got yer trees for ya. Right here.

    Comment by Cappy — August 18, 2007 @ 5:27 pm

  20. Wasn’t Mr. Stump your nickname in the high school locker room?

    Comment by Velociman — August 18, 2007 @ 6:29 pm

  21. There is a special place in hell for people who cut down perfectly good trees… Just sayin’… 🙁

    Comment by Richmond — August 18, 2007 @ 8:40 pm

  22. But really, if a tree is dead or dying, it’s better to remove it. A tree can look OK on the outside, too, but suddenly just topple over and kill ya because the tree is rotten inside. Or so I’ve heard. I do NOT want to read about Jimbo bein’ crushed under a farookin’ tree while out walkin’ his cranky-ass MUSE.

    Comment by dogette — August 18, 2007 @ 9:30 pm

  23. Better park your big black car out in front so the dogs who have been pissing on your tree will have somewhere to lean their legs on while pissing.

    Comment by Brian, the Air Force Vet — August 19, 2007 @ 1:19 am

  24. Jimbo, I know exactly how you feel. I had to drop three very large elm boles that were leaning over the house upon an announcement that the eye of some hurricane was making a beeline for my vicinity. In the process of dropping the elms, I cleaned out a nice white birch clump that I could see out of my bathroom window while contemplating my navel, so to speak. Man, I hated that I’d done them in, but there really wasn’t a choice.

    And so it goes. There’s a new cluster of fifteen year old birches growing there now, and they are just becoming visible in the window when I assume the position, so things slowly return to a harmonic balance in my world. I hope the same can be said of yours in a few years.

    Comment by wil — August 21, 2007 @ 9:57 pm

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