December 23, 2007

Steep Slope.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 4:45 pm


Now that the federal government is in the business of mandating what kind of light bulbs Americans can use, I can see where this is headed.

100-watt incandescent light bulbs are banned.

Bright colors are banned. Colors are frivolous, and dye manufacturers are well known polluters. Henceforth, all fabrics will be grey.

40-watt incandescent light bulbs are banned.

Candles are banned as a source of dangerous greenhouse gases. Exceptions for use of candles in religious ceremonies will not be granted, for to do so would constitute an impermissible establishment of religion.

Christmas Holiday Winter Festival lights are banned as being a profligate waste of energy. Real Winter Festival trees are banned as wasteful destruction of greenhouse gas reducing flora. Artificial Winter Festival trees are also banned, as the manufacturers of such items are known polluters. State-approved Winter Festival trees, which are grey in color, eighteen inches tall and are manufactured from recycled paper, can be obtained at your local office of the Federal Bureau of Permissible Celebratory Goods (the “FBPCG”).

Separate clothing styles for men and women are banned, as being wasteful and promoting of differences between the sexes. Henceforth all citizens will wear the state-approved grey suit manufactured in China according to U.S. Government specifications, which specifications shall be established by the Federal Bureau of Egalitarian Clothing (the “FBEC”).

Automobile usage will not be permitted without first obtaining a usage permit from the Federal Bureau of Automobile Control (the “FBAC”). Eligibility for issuance of a usage permit will be based solely on the extent to which a citizen’s use of an automobile is in the interest of the state. If it is determined that a citizen is eligible to be assigned an automobile, the type and size of such automobile will be determined by the FBAC, based on family size and distance traveled to and from a citizen’s assigned workplace.

Desserts of any kind are banned as a prime source of obesity. Henceforth all citizens will be assigned a daily permissible caloric limit, which will be strictly enforced by the Federal Bureau of Caloric Control (the “FBCC”). In addition, alcoholic beverages are also banned as being a source of drunkenness and social disharmony. The alcoholic beverage ban will be enforced by a sub-department of the FBCC, known as the U.S. Department of Enforced Sobriety (the “USDES”).

Eating of any animal products is banned as being barbaric and insensitive to our animal neighbors on the planet.

All citizens will henceforth be required to assemble in their respective state-assigned locations for morning exercise. Exceptions will be permitted only upon presentation of a note from a physician from the citizen’s local Federal Health Center.

All firearms will be turned in to the Federal Bureau of Firearms Management (the “FBFM”). After June 1, 2015, firearms in the hands of citizens will be deemed contraband and will subject the violator to criminal sanctions. The FBFM is not authorized to make exceptions to this edict.

All written works and works of artistic expression in any form must be submitted to the Federal Bureau of Properspeak (the “FBP”) to ensure that nothing in any such works offends any citizen, anywhere.

The right and title to all property of any kind, whether real, tangible, or intangible, wherever situated, shall vest in the Federal Government, which, through the Federal Office of Property Distribution (the “FOPD”) shall be equitably distributed to its citizens according to their respective needs.

Fluency in the Spanish language shall be mandatory for all citizens.


Update: Check this out.


  1. I came to your post prepared to smile and enjoy. Instead, as I think about it, you’ve succeeded in scaring the crap out of me because you may be correct.

    Comment by joated — December 23, 2007 @ 6:20 pm

  2. not in my world.
    i can’t wait until the storm troopers come to my house to tell me i can’t burn coal any more, they will get more than they expect out of me.
    western canada is starting to look better and better.

    Comment by gregor — December 23, 2007 @ 7:26 pm

  3. The reality of this sucks.

    Comment by Jean — December 23, 2007 @ 7:31 pm

  4. Gregor —

    There will probably be special camps where “coal burners” are sent. You’d better check with Algore about buying some offsets.


    Comment by Jim — December 23, 2007 @ 7:35 pm

  5. Forget the light bulbs; wait ’til you see how they make the lamp shades.

    Comment by Cousin Jack — December 23, 2007 @ 7:41 pm

  6. You better learn how to use one of them chain saws..may be the only protection against alligators the guvmit will let you have!

    Comment by GUYK — December 23, 2007 @ 8:26 pm

  7. Vote Hillary ……The Socialist dream could come true.

    Comment by Dudley1 — December 23, 2007 @ 8:59 pm

  8. So what are we to do to make sure this does not happen? I guess we could make sure to vote for the most conservative, libertarian candidate running.

    Comment by Kevin — December 24, 2007 @ 12:25 am


    Comment by Kevin — December 24, 2007 @ 12:26 am

  10. “Eligibility for issuance of a usage permit will be based solely on the extent to which a citizen’s use of an automobile is in the interest of the state.”

    Exceptions will be made for celebrities, of course. You wouldn’t want Rosie O’Donnell to have to ride a bike to work (or anywhere else), would you?

    Comment by John D — December 24, 2007 @ 1:54 am

  11. “…wait ’til you see how they make the lamp shades.”

    Not cool. If it’s anything like the Germans made them during the war, I’m getting my C&C license ASAP.

    Come to think of it, I’ll probably need all manner of guns, bikes, and chainsaws [not the kind you wear as jewelry] to protect myself.

    I refuse to be turned into a lampshade.

    Comment by Erica — December 24, 2007 @ 6:11 am

  12. And this all started with the smoking ban, It’s For Your Own Good after all.

    Comment by rita — December 24, 2007 @ 8:03 am

  13. …. funny post, but you may very well be right…. this light bulb thing is just the tip of the iceberg…..

    Comment by Eric — December 24, 2007 @ 8:15 am

  14. The Federal Universal Bureau of All Regulations will insure the situation remains FUBAR

    Comment by hoosierboy — December 24, 2007 @ 8:51 am

  15. Kevin, it’s already happening. The cult of AlGore has taken hold and the only thing we can do is undermine it by constant rebuking of it’s ideas. The problem is that most of the sheeple that live in this country won’t even realize it’s happening and probably don’t care, as long as they’re fed their welfare checks and TV pablum on a regular basis. It’s the people who work for a living and contribute to the economy that will suffer the most.

    Comment by gregor — December 24, 2007 @ 10:38 am

  16. Why do you think the libtards HATE the 2nd Amendment….the ultimate reset button. Heh. 😉 Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!!

    Comment by Jerry — December 24, 2007 @ 10:52 am

  17. Sorry….made a mistake on the above post. It’s “YO, Merry Farookin’ Christmas”! For a second I forgot I’m a Jersey guy! 🙂

    Comment by Jerry — December 24, 2007 @ 10:55 am

  18. In time I guess we (the rest of the world) will have to send you Americans aid.Say, gruel and packaged water, after you have stuffed the word. Then again there might be nothing to send. Get out all your guns and start shooting each other, might save the rest of the world. I know you don’t think so , but there is other people on the planet. Now, would you have invaded Iraq if it exported tomatoes. You are a singular threat to the rest of the world.

    Comment by Steve Tormsen — December 24, 2007 @ 5:19 pm

  19. I once drove dovn the west coast of America in some fuel guzzeling American Car. I tried my best but I put on about 15 pounds in weight cause all the food was shit..fat and are one unhappy and fat lot..then again I know some of you think..

    Comment by Steve Tormsen — December 24, 2007 @ 5:27 pm

  20. Thank you for those cogent comments, Steve. Now, go play with the Kos Kidz.


    Comment by Jim — December 24, 2007 @ 5:38 pm

  21. You got me thinking..Just loook at the shallow shit you Yanks call TV programs..guess you are so brain washed one should feel sorry for you. Just wish you woulden’t export the shit to Australia ( OK, some fucker is importing it)

    Comment by Steve Tormsen — December 24, 2007 @ 5:45 pm

  22. Yo, Steve,

    Merry Christmas, and … Buh-bye.


    Comment by Jim — December 24, 2007 @ 6:50 pm

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