May 6, 2008

Captain Power Wash.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:02 pm

Yes, that’s me. Captain Power Wash (spoken in a deep baritone and pronounced CAPTAAAAAAAAAIN POWWWWER Wash).

A few days ago, I wasn’t Captain anything, but in no time, I skyrocketed to the rank of Captain Power Wash, skipping right over the rank of Lieutenant Power Wash. Here’s how it happened.

My deck had become rather dingy looking and was in need of some serious power washing. In years past, I hired someone to do the honors. Since then, my friend, Usual Suspect Jeff, bought his very own power washer. Having watched the hired power washers do their stuff, I boldly figured that I might just be able to handle the job myself.

I called Jeff and asked if I could borrow his power washer.

“Absolutely,” he said and was even kind enough to drive it to the House by the Parkway in his truck. He showed me how to hook up the hose and the water blaster piece, then he showed me how to fire up the gas engine, and finally how to actually use the thing.

We did a bit of the deck together and then he left me on my own. That’s when I began gleefully blasting the grime off the deck and, amazingly enough, enjoyed the process. BLAST here!! BLAST there!! I was blasting my ass off. Ol’ Junior, who is NOT MY CAT, took one look at Captain Power Wash’s blastfest and .decided to go elsewhere for dinner.

Yo, Jimbo, you’ve never been a do-shit-around-the-house guy. What’s up with this?

Fair question. Here’s the deal:

1. It’s a bit like shooting a rifle. In New Jersey we can purchase high-powered rifles (after going all the legal hoops), but discharging them anywhere in the state could get you arrested. Goofy, I know, but that’s the way it is. The water blaster piece of the power washer has the feel of an assault rifle with a foldable stock. It even produces a little bit of a satisfying kick when you pull the trigger and blast away. BLAST!

2. It’s not as dangerous as a chainsaw or other power tools. I don’t do chainsaw and most power tools. Sure, if you were to blast away at your toes, with the blaster, it would not be cool, but I don’t think I’m likely to lop off any extremities with the blaster. Not so with a chainsaw. You want something chainsawed, call this guy. You want something power washed, call Captain Power Wash.

3. It actually cleans dirt away, big time. I hate breaking my ass “cleaning” something only to see that, once you’ve finished, it doesn’t look one damned bit different than it did before you started. As you can see from the photo of the deck above, Captain Power Wash really cleans shit, big time. BLAST!

I just finished the deck project, and I hate to return the blaster to Jeff, because I can already think of lots of things that need power washing, such as every rat bastard politician in Trenton.

Perhaps I shall buy my own power washer and blaster and design a super hero costume for Captain Power Wash. No spandex, or course (yeef!).


  1. Yup, power washers are a (beg pardon for this) blast. Just don’t let the water jet get too close or dawdle around anything you want to keep: if the jet is strong enough, you can actually cut shit with it.

    As for Junior, all I can say is… well, DUH! As far as most cats are concerned, water is Cat Solvent — high-velocity water simply ensures death comes that much faster.

    Me, I’d pay cash money to see you decked out in a Captain Power Wash spandex outfit! 🙂

    Comment by DMerriman — May 6, 2008 @ 8:23 pm

  2. Christ Almighty, you are a Captain Dooshbag…and for the love of ALL THINGS SACRED…yes, we’d all very much get a kick out of seeing you in spandex.


    I’m so Photoshopping this. And I think I’l add a prominent FAIL on there somewhere, too.

    Mercy, Hairboy…you sure do crack me up. BVLasting your ass off…Bwah. Blast this.

    [Paulie Walnuts] Ohhhhhhhh. [/end Paulie Walnuts]

    Comment by Erica — May 6, 2008 @ 8:28 pm

  3. Uh, can youse like maybe add a preview feature so’s I don’t look like an illiterate buttcake in my comment? Feh.

    Comment by Erica — May 6, 2008 @ 8:29 pm

  4. Me? Add a preview feature? I could just as easily stick a feather in my ass and fly.

    I could, however, power wash the blog.


    Comment by Jim — May 6, 2008 @ 8:45 pm

  5. All the kool kidz on my block with powerwashers do their blasting in calf-length cheapass rubber boots. Maybe those and a Speedo?

    Comment by mike anderson — May 6, 2008 @ 8:54 pm

  6. HEY! I got one of them has an electric pump and builds up to 1500 psi and will knock the feathers off a bird’s ass at twenty feet.

    And I damn shore need to use back porch looks about like your has some green stuff growing on it..

    Comment by GUYK — May 6, 2008 @ 8:56 pm

  7. a friend of mine took off a chunk of his foot with a power washer.

    I bet it would work great on the politicians!

    Comment by hammer — May 6, 2008 @ 8:57 pm

  8. How would you like I should power wash your fresh mouth?

    Comment by Erica — May 6, 2008 @ 10:48 pm

  9. Gosh, how I admire your neat and orderly line of nails. Our deck was done by a drunken bagpiper and it looks every bit of it. The nail pattern looks more like connect-the-dots. It gives us something to talk about on a summer evening.

    Comment by Suzette — May 6, 2008 @ 11:01 pm

  10. Actually, they’re screws. The deck is solid as hell and was built by one guy working alone. Not me, of course.


    Comment by Jim — May 7, 2008 @ 12:12 am

  11. I once power washed the siding on my house, wrote my name in the concrete on the back porch and ‘washed’ a hole in the window sill,,,then they took my toys away!

    Comment by Michele — May 7, 2008 @ 1:27 pm

  12. Damn dude! What are the specs on that washer?

    Comment by caltechgirl — May 8, 2008 @ 3:04 am

  13. So…. which is the clean bit?

    Comment by Mike R. — May 8, 2008 @ 11:31 pm

  14. Oh how my husband luuuuvs his powerwasher. He used the thing the other day to “clean” a length of wall outside. This involves blasting off chunks of the exterior paint and some bits of the stucco. (One of the scariest phrases I hear around here is “Honey I’m going to clean out the gutters.”)

    So I warned (read: “nagged”) him before he started the wall-cleaning project that he’d better be careful and not get that &$%@^! bleach solution he was spraying on my delicate and purty PLANTS.

    Final tally: 2 death-by-bleach plants. And who knew? White-strips aren’t just for teeth, either — they’re for lawns.

    Comment by dogette — May 9, 2008 @ 8:44 am

  15. Didn’t we learn in Health class that it’s really hygienic to scrub and clean your deck?

    BTW, Jimbo, you’ve got a really big deck.

    Comment by Jerry — May 9, 2008 @ 7:23 pm

  16. Jerry,

    I put ground-up Viagra in the water.


    Comment by Jim — May 9, 2008 @ 8:08 pm


    Comment by bass — May 9, 2008 @ 8:14 pm

  18. Nice job on that deck. In orange county, california, there aren’t as many decks, but if there were, I’d clean them.

    Comment by pressure washing service — September 29, 2008 @ 10:36 pm

  19. Nice job with the deck. Next time spray some water and oxyclean on it first and then power wash it. you’ll be amazed how much cleaner it will come out.

    Comment by Power Washing Cleveland — March 11, 2013 @ 4:23 pm

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