May 17, 2008

Crosstown Rivals.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Erica @ 12:20 pm

I see Hairboy (that dooshbag) conveniently left town in time to miss the floundering, last place New York Yankees get their sorry pinstriped azootiks handed to them this weekend by my also-not-doing-too-hot New York Metsies. Ay, it is what it is.

What some of youse may or may not know is that — when he was a young man, before history commenced being recorded (sometime in between the Paleo- & Neo-lithic eras) — Hairboy was a diehard Yankees fan, but I figure it’s easy for the mind of a kid, who grew up in Jersey, to be polluted, owing to the prevalence of Jersey pollution, but seriously, peeps.

I, as some of youse may be aware, come from a very long bloodline of crestfallen Brooklyn Trolley Dodger fans, and won’t even, as someone who lives north of the Mason-Dixon line, allow myself to be referred to as a “Yankee,” whereas Hairboy — a freakin’ Jersey guy (what, Jersey doesn’t have any teams of its own you can root for?) — can tick off the names, numbers and positions of the 1955 Yankees, the year they ate freakin’ DOIT and got their butts reamed by The Dodgers, thus winning Brooklyn its only World Championship (but back to 1955, in a mo’).

See, it’s like this. The Dodgers are to the Yankees what Brooklyn is to Jersey. Jersey may have 127-miles of “beautiful” sandy beaches — which, I hear, also comes with its own 127-mile-long parking lot! (rim shot) — but, Brooklyn’s one and only little Coney Island…ayyyyyy, ohhhhhh…our “Pearl by the Sea,” is the beach with heart.

And the Yankees may very well be the best team that money could buy (although this year, they might consider taking out a loan), but the ’55 Dodgers — with a lineup that included peeps like Campanella, Snyder, Hodges, Reese, Furillo, Oisk, Newk, Gilliam, Podres, and Labine — were the team with heart.

So, with those two inalienable facts constantly niggling at his tortured soul, it seems only natural that a little “Crosstown Rivalry” would materialize between Hairboy and myself, and as ugly a fact as it may be to Hairboy — that, on September 28, 1955, when Jackie Robinson stole home from Yankees catcher Yogi Berra, the Ump, rightly, called Jackie “SAFE!” — even Cousin Jack, his own flesh and blood, admits “A missed tag is bad, especially when they call the guy safe.”

But Hairboy — WHO WEARS GLASSES!!!, plus watched the game live, in gritty, eye-squinting black & white, on a TV back when TVs were 95 percent box and five percent screen — claims he visually witnessed, with his own two peepers, Yogi tag Jackie before Jackie touched the plate, and further insists he will go to his grave “knowing” that Jackie was out. Oh, go cry me a river. I hear the Raritan’s a little low.

People. This hysteria over losing one freaking World Series to Brooklyn’s Boys of Summer, and practically popping a squizzot arguing over a missed tag 53 years after it was called…I mean, I’m just sayin’ outta genuine concern for the guy…this is tantamount to Kos-like mentality.

Oh, geez, I almost forgot, the reason I brought all this up, speaking of crosstown rivalries: Did any of youse read in the Jersey Journal that “New York Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi said whenever he is in a prolonged hitting slump he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform.” Am I making this shit up? Uh, no.

Obviously Yogi wasn’t wearing his golden lamé tiger-stripe thong the day he claims he tagged Jackie out. Ohhhhhhhhh!!

Well, there you have it, boys and girls. The Yankees are girlie-men, Jackie was safe, Jersey sucks, and my work here is far from being done.


  1. Hehehehee! Girl, nobody knows how to flog a dead horse better than you. Plus, you are simply an awesome writer, if a misguided Nawtherner.

    Still, I swear, I’d read the NY Phone Book if they’d let you write it.

    Comment by Joan of Argghh! — May 17, 2008 @ 12:55 pm

  2. GREAT READER KIM Jong IL (on bullshorn)-


    Comment by JihadGene — May 17, 2008 @ 1:39 pm

  3. ROFLMAO – that is all.

    Comment by Teresa — May 17, 2008 @ 1:52 pm

  4. HAH!

    Comment by GUYK — May 17, 2008 @ 3:04 pm

  5. It figures the first game of the series (one of the few times I can watch the Mets in action as it’s televised on YES which I do get) gets rained out.

    And how appropriate that, on Satrday, a Yankee should be thrown out at the plate on an excellent block of the plate by Schneider today in the bottom of the third. Yanks had a chance to make the score 3-0 at that time. Instead, the Mets came back and scored 3 runs in the top of the 4th to go ahead 3-2. Wagner makes it a nail-biter in the ninth, but the Mets win 7-4.

    Comment by joated — May 17, 2008 @ 3:58 pm

  6. This post made me laugh until I peed. Blood.

    Comment by Elisson — May 17, 2008 @ 9:57 pm

  7. So, would this be a bad time to mention that I’m a Phillies fan?

    Comment by RT — May 17, 2008 @ 11:24 pm

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