May 18, 2008

Hairboy’s “Alcohoroscope.”

Filed under: Uncategorized — Erica @ 6:56 pm

T — New England blogger extraordinaire, and friend to both Hairboy (a.k.a. Jimbo) and the Wiseass Jooette — has an awesome post up at her site, which examines her drinking profile, her “alcohoroscope,” if you will. A snippet from T’s alcohoroscope:

“They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe.”


Anyhow, since Hairboy is giving his liver a bit of a workout in the Sunshine State (oh, boo farookin’ hoo, if you’re sucking wind tomorrow morning, dooshbag), I thought it would be oodles of fun to examine his alcohoroscope and, perhaps if there’s time, we can also take a look at mine and maybe even compare and contrast a little bit (What? Don’t tell me you were expecting a treatise on the Jersey Political Swamp while he’s away. Surely, youse dooshbags jest.)

Well, I’m seeing some serious FAIL! right off the bat. I don’t know much about Hugh Jackman, Sting, or Martina Navratilova (aside from the vocations they are obviously famous for), but I gotta be honest, I’m not so sure I feel entirely comfortable with Hairboy — a genuine Libra — having anything in common with “drinking buddies” Jimmah Kottah and Janeane Garofalo.

Let’s be honest, people…that’s just skuzzy, right there. And as for a Libra’s trademark cocktails:

Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That’s the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. They’re fine with “normal” guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.

Don’t tell me. He also lifts his pinky up when he takes delicate sips of Cosmopolitans or Bay Breezes at the Post on Sunday afternoons. I could just see fellow Usual Suspect, Paulie, drinking a manly “Bud” nearby, and recoiling from the Post’s “Bar Chairman” in horror. Personally, I think he uses the whole chocolate vodka thing as a diversionary tactic.

And then there’s the whole “Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control…which can get them into all sorts of trouble” thing. What kinds of trouble, you may ask. Well…I hate to bring up the past, but it seems our Jersey Laddie had a few too many Adult Beverages one night and confused the Laddie Loo with the Lassie Loo. Oh, I understand alright. We all make mistakes from time to time. No big whoop.

Obviously, our Hairboy has not been dealt an easy hand in life.

Myself, OTOH…I’m a Sag, tried and true, and so far it’s been smooth sailing for me:

Tactlessness aside (Ed. Whaddaya tawwwkin’ about, tactlessness??), Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue.

Those are some punches I could definitely roll with. And “given how much Sag can put away and still stay vertical,” while I’m personally more partial to Black Russians, Chocolate Martinis, and “Vile Green Shit,” I’m downtown with giving Moscow Mules and Singapore Slings a shot (or five).

Now then, let’s compare and review, shall we?

The Wiseass Jooette: Good peeps from Brooklyn who is fun to drink with and says, “Hey, let’s all go to Cancun!,” accomplishable depending, of course, upon whether she can stay vertical long enough, or will instead require the more sober and able-bodied assistance of pal, T.

Hairboy: A dooshbag from Jersey who drinks froo-froo cocktails in girlie martini glasses with Jimmah Kottah, and then uses the lavatory with the clearly-indicated word “LASSIE” on the door. Illuminating information, that.

By the way, because I should make it a rule never to trust guys who fuss so over their hair, don’t be at all surprised when he comes back if this post gets deleted and I am never heard from again. All I ask is that a team be ready, with shovels and pickaxes, to extricate my possibly dismembered remains from beneath the bowels of the Meadowlands.

Additional H/T to LeeAnn, the Baby Wolf herownself, who, were the Queen lead singer actually alive, woulda had a chance to get blotto with Freddie Mercury.


  1. Careful, dear. Jimbo and I share the same birthday.

    Comment by zonker — May 18, 2008 @ 8:51 pm

  2. And I’m a Libra, too. Watch it, sweetie…the dooshbaggery is just beginning.

    Comment by Elisson — May 18, 2008 @ 10:32 pm

  3. OOh geeze…the Gemini one *is* spot on….for me, at least. Yes, I can be perfectly normal after my 10th martini…..then, number 11 will lay me on the floor in an instant. I amaze and confuse and frustrate people with this. Beware of this if you ever go out drinking with me!

    Comment by DogsDontPurr — May 18, 2008 @ 10:46 pm

  4. Y’know… now that you bring it up, ol’ Jimbo has made mention of going to the THE-ah-tah a few times — and mentioned the costumes and suchlike more than most men would. And you’ve got to wonder about any guy that fixates so strongly on having Great Farookin’ Hair.

    Comment by DMerriman — May 18, 2008 @ 11:43 pm

  5. “I’m seeing some serious FAIL! right off the bat.” HEH.

    Comment by dogette — May 19, 2008 @ 8:08 am

  6. All I care about is that I get to drink with Johnny Depp… yeah baby. I do feel sorry for our Hairboy, being stuck with Jimmah and Janeane (or whatever the hell her name is) – it’s enough to make anyone take up Chocolate Vodka with a raised pinky.

    Cancun? Thelma asks… are we driving my dear Joo-ese? *grin*

    Comment by Teresa — May 19, 2008 @ 11:39 am

  7. T, according to CelebPolitics, Johnny Depp received a low-scoring Conservative-friendly rating of “-3” and has likened America to a “dumb puppy” and a “broken toy.” I think I’d rather bide my time chewing my toenails than share a cocktail with him.

    Also, if you saw the photo of a beach, palm trees and pretty sunset that Captain Powerdoosh (Hairboy) sent me earlier (you dooshbag, may a crab crawl up your swim trunks), you wouldn’t feel so sorry for him.

    Comment by Erica — May 19, 2008 @ 11:15 pm

  8. Yo! Ericklaw!
    JihadGene is a LEE-BRA! Him no drinks wiff Jimmy Carter! No Weigh! Him more likes Billy Carter, and be kickin it with nice friends from LIBYA while pissing in pubrick on walls of local airport!

    Ruv You Looong Time!!!
    Great Reader KIM Jong IL

    Comment by JihadGene — May 20, 2008 @ 5:04 pm

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