May 24, 2008

Corporal Wood Sealer.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:24 pm

I am still afflicted with vacation lag and have yet to regain my blogging groove. Maybe it’s because I have managed to avoid listening to, watching or reading much of any news. While in Florida, I did hear a news blurb about Ted Kennedy’s illness. I’m feeling compassionate today (probably the lingering effects copious amounts of chocolate vodka over the previous week), so since I have nothing nice to say about Senator Kennedy, I shall say nothing.

I also heard that Hillary gorilla stomped Barack _______ Obama’s ass in Kentucky but that Barack _______ Obama won rather handily in Oregon. No surprises in either case. Hillary is staying in. Sweet. I’d love to hear what each has to say about the other in private.

Oh, and lest you think I worry needlessly about alligators, during the week I was in Florida, some sorry ass damned near lost his arm to one of those pre-historic monsters. I believe that people who live near fresh water in Florida are a bit nutso. Case in point. A perfectly normal looking and sounding woman bartender told me, “Oh yeah, we have one [a farookin’ gator] that lives in the lagoon behind my house. We just crack open the door to check the yard before we go outside. It’s not a problem.” Nutso.

The same bartender told me that, in her neighborhood, wild boars (those ugly bastards with the tusks) are a problem. Wild boars? Nutso.

Oh, and there was a headline in the local paper (I read it in one of those news boxes while doing a ground pound) that said that coyotes are gobbling up people’s dogs (presumably small dogs) in Southwest Florida. Nutso.

So, in Florida the peeps deal with alligators, wild boars and dog-eating coyotes. Nutso, nutso, nutso, I tell ya.

Yo, Jimbo. The title of this post is “Corporal Wood Sealer,” and you’ve written about goofy shit that has nothing to do with corporals or wood sealer. WTF?”

OK, here’s what I intended to say about three-hundred and twenty five words ago.

I had no idea that the joy and Macht I experienced as Captain Power Wash would be followed by the frankly pedestrian task of smearing wood sealer on the deck. No one can ever be “Captain Wood Sealer.” It’s just not possible, given the nature of the task. Hell, it’s not even like painting, because with painting, when you are all done, the thing you painted looks different than it did before you painted it. With wood sealer, you can’t appreciate the fruits of your labor until the next rain, and only then can you marvel at the beads of water on the wood. “Look Myrtle! Check out them beads! Get the camera!”

I have nothing else to say at the moment.


  1. No need to wait, Jimbo. Get out the hose tomorrow.

    Comment by Ken Adams — May 24, 2008 @ 10:09 pm

  2. I’m more afraid of the wild boars than I am the gators. But we don’t have the boars… not in my yard. Thankfully. Nor the coyotes. What’s that about? Granted, I am southeast, but still…

    Wild boars are mean, in particular mama boars, and unpredictable and fast. And mean. I mentioned mean, right? No boars. Scary.

    Comment by Bou — May 24, 2008 @ 10:37 pm

  3. Well in California the coyotes are trying to make off with small children so mebbe FL has it easy there. *grin*

    Still I have no wish to live anywhere near alligators. Not at all. Geeze.

    Comment by Teresa — May 24, 2008 @ 10:40 pm

  4. Dude, a 250-pound black bear crashed into a Memorial Day parade in Morris Plains today, and you’re worried about GATORS in Jersey?


    Bears are capable of tearing a person’s face off with a sweeping movement of its massive paw, and it was only a few yards away from spectators and peeps waiting for the train. Had I been there, I think my heart would have experienced total protonic reversal.

    Comment by Erica — May 24, 2008 @ 11:25 pm

  5. Yeah, we do have a bear problem, largely because Jim “Im a gay, broke American” and Jon Corzine decided that permitting hunters to shoot them was … well … just not progressive. We also have coyotes, although not around where I live (our wildlife consists of boids and squirrels). I certainly wouldn’t want to tangle ass with a bear, but they don’t REPULSE me like stinking, pre-historic, loathsome alligators do. Almost as disgusting as your average Jersey politician.


    Comment by Jim — May 24, 2008 @ 11:49 pm

  6. Jim, if you’d ever been downwind of a black bear you would’ve learn a whole new definition of the term ‘stinking.’


    Comment by Mr. Bingley — May 25, 2008 @ 8:29 am

  7. Dear Typical White-Man Jim-Bro,

    It’s Barrack Who’s-Named Obama! Say it LOUD! Say it PROUD! Shit! GAWD-DAMN (America)! Get off yo’ hair and JAM! According to my bible (in the 1st Book of Oprah 1:1) “Corporal Wood Sealer” is really the code CWS, which translated by Romans (rich white I-talians) means Congresswoman Waters SUCKS! You into big oil ain’t you, boy!?
    I’m on to you! I’m watching you!

    Jeremiass Wright Jr
    (Retired Pastor)
    Chicago, Ill.

    Comment by JihadGene — May 25, 2008 @ 12:07 pm

  8. Let’s not forget the bears, rabid raccoons, coral snakes, rattle snakes…many other snakes… and flying palmetto bugs. It’s lovely here. Really.

    Comment by Jean — May 25, 2008 @ 6:43 pm

  9. …. you make it sound so lovely, Jimbo… I wish that I were on the next flight to Florida!…

    Comment by Eric — May 26, 2008 @ 7:27 am

  10. Guns and Chainsaws Jimbo, Guns and Chainsaws..that is what makes it safe to live here in the Peoples Republik Of Florida

    Comment by GUYK — May 26, 2008 @ 9:25 am

  11. Pfffft! Your story’s nuthin’, Jim. Erica had a BEE in her apartment!! Yep. You heard it right! A farookin’ BEE!! Holy crap! 😉

    Comment by Jerry K — May 26, 2008 @ 11:49 am

  12. ….oh, I called Nit Witless News concerning the horrible bee rampage in Brooklyn, but the news director hung up. The noive! Guess they already had a crew on the way. Hell, OUR news director would have sent TWO crews, but only if the bee was Hispanic and dressed up in the cool bee suit. 😉

    Comment by Jerry K — May 26, 2008 @ 11:56 am

  13. Jerry K…I will hunt you down, tie up your hands, and get someone who isn’t so afraid as I am to stick an entire hive of stinging insects down your underpants. And then I’ll do my best Connie Francis singing “Who’s Sorry Now.”

    What’s up with that, Hairboy? You’re sooooo busy that you get hired henchmen to start trouble with me now? Dooshbag!

    (I love the Hispanic guy in the bee suit!)

    Comment by Erica — May 26, 2008 @ 1:58 pm

  14. “I will hunt you down, tie up your hands, and get someone who isn’t so afraid as I am to stick an entire hive of stinging insects down your underpants.”

    You say that like it’s a bad thing. 😉

    Comment by Jerry K — May 26, 2008 @ 5:42 pm

  15. While I was in Florida this weekend I saw a gator sunning himself on the Turnpike and four little “piggies” running along the road to a new destination!

    Comment by oddybobo — May 27, 2008 @ 10:09 am

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