July 10, 2008

Eye Drops.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 9:35 pm

To treat my case of eye snot, Doctor Doctor prescribed eye drops, which have to be put in my eyes at regular intervals several times per day. Eye drops? No big deal, right?

Maybe it’s no big deal for most peeps, but I am a big baby when it comes to putting eye drops into my eyes. In fact, I get freaky when anyone puts anything near my eyes, which is why I cannot even comfortably think about wearing contact lenses, much less actually wear them.

”Yo, Jimbo. Here are two foreign objects. Just plaster one of them on each of your eyeballs and rock on.”

No farookin’ way!

I also get the heebie jeebies every time I see women applying eye liner by sticking a pencil point right next to her eyeballs. A farookin’ pencil in the eye!!! Yeef!

Anyway, back to eye drops.

Being the big baby that I am, I typically ask Mrs. Parkway to put the drops in my eyes (“You have to OPEN your damned eye, Jim!”), but given the frequency of application, I am largely left to my own devices this time around.

At first, I tried putting the drops in while standing in front of the bathroom mirror and pulling the skin around the bottom of my eyes down (the ophthalmologist does it this way). No dice. I ended up with eye drops everywhere but in my eyes, including on my shirt. It immediately became very clear that tipping one’s head back was a requisite for any chance I might have in getting that stuff into my eyes. I tried the stand-up, head-tilted-back technique, which resulted in some improvement, meaning that it might take four drops to get one drop in my eye.

Turns out that the only way I can get the damned drops into my eyes with something resembling accuracy is to sit in my office chair (at work or at home) and tilt the seat all the way back (almost as if I were in a modern dentist’s chair). Then, bracing my hand against my cheekbone, I put the cursed tip of the little bottle as close to my open eye as I can stand it, reminding myself not to blink. I’m certain that if I touch my eye with the damned thing I’ll pass right the hell out, which is another good reason to be in a chair.

That technique, which is doubtless comical to watch, has me batting above 500, but I still manage to blink when I shouldn’t, leading to drops landing on my eyelid and down my face.

I still have three more days of this to go. Fortunately, Doctor Doctor prescribed enough of the stuff to permit me to dispense mass quantities of the medicine seemingly everywhere except to my eye balls.

Yep. Definitely a big baby when it comes to eye drops.

Truth is, it’s not just eyes and eye drops about which I am a big baby, but we won’t be discussing the time many, many years ago when a doctor prescribed suppositories.


  1. yeah, it does take some getting used to..I have a twice daily treatment for glaucoma in my left eye..drop in the morning and at night. Now I can just lean my head back, pull the skin down with my left hand and squeeze a drop right onto the eye ball..blink a couple of times and it gets ‘er done..

    Comment by GUYK — July 10, 2008 @ 9:51 pm

  2. Quite by accident, I discovered another way that’s way less messy, and way less scary. Instead of tipping your head back, tip it sideways, pushing your ear towards your shoulder. Put the drops in the outside corner of the “up” eye. No dropper pointed straight at your eyeball, no jerking on the eyelids, no extra drops running down your nose, just drop, drop, you’re done.

    Comment by mike anderson — July 10, 2008 @ 10:37 pm

  3. I was going to say something similar to what Mike said. Sit in a chair – tilt your head back and then tilt slightly to the opposite shoulder. You want that little inside corner of your eye by your nose to act like a little droplet holder.

    Close your eye (the one that will get the drops!!! no need to watch). Drip the drops into the corner of your eye by the nose. You don’t even have to have the dropper closer than the bridge of your nose, not even that close once you get the hang of it. But since your eye is closed, you won’t “see” it. You should have enough of a feel for your hand that you shouldn’t have a problem. If you’re holding your head correctly, the drops will pool right there in the corner… take away the dropper, then blink. The drops will run into your eye and you’re good. In other words – think of dropping them next to the eye not on the eye!

    Even though I wear contact lenses – I have done eye drops for years because of allergies. I’ve always done it that way and I never have drops everywhere. 🙂

    Comment by Teresa — July 10, 2008 @ 11:40 pm

  4. I’ve had pinkeye twice. Those eyedrops are like a splash of bleach, aren’t they? Ouch!

    Comment by Jerry — July 10, 2008 @ 11:50 pm

  5. What a freakin’ dooshbag you are.

    ~Le Sigh~

    Comment by Erica — July 11, 2008 @ 12:12 am

  6. I would say something really insulting and obscene but we been buds too long…………..on second thought, stop acting like a Californian……

    Comment by Brian, "Proud Air Force Vet" — July 11, 2008 @ 12:18 am

  7. … so where’s the youtube video of you self-medicating your eyeballs?….

    Comment by Eric — July 11, 2008 @ 6:44 am

  8. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for not describing any adventures with suppositories.

    Comment by DMerriman — July 11, 2008 @ 9:14 am

  9. I have no associate with this company, but something like an eyecup might be easier to use than trying to freehand it.

    http://www.nextag.com/eye-cup/search-html, in case the tag doesn’t work.

    Comment by Ed Flinn — July 11, 2008 @ 11:46 am

  10. er, association, I mean.

    Comment by Ed Flinn — July 11, 2008 @ 11:47 am

  11. Try lying down in bed. Works for me as it’s very stable. Use non dominant hand to pry eyelids open.

    Comment by Carl Brannen — July 11, 2008 @ 1:05 pm

  12. I guess it’s a talent I didn’t realize I had, but I get something in my eye, I don’t need to contort or lean back or anything. I don’t even yank my eyelid down. I just run the tip of my finger along the eyeball itself, sorta like sweeping it, no problem. You cringing yet?


    Comment by dogette — July 11, 2008 @ 7:06 pm

  13. Once had to get a shot in my eye! So this is nothing!

    Comment by aithne — July 12, 2008 @ 5:22 pm

  14. Yo, Dogette…I can do that too! And when I was a kid, we used to fold our eyelids inside out and walk around like zombies. It was awesome and creeped the hell out of adults.

    Comment by Erica — July 14, 2008 @ 7:42 pm

  15. I’m anti-optic, too. However, eyedrops don’t bother me so much.

    Hope your goop clears soon!

    Comment by Da Goddess — July 16, 2008 @ 10:01 am

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