November 23, 2008

Western Heroes Renamed.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 4:25 pm

Damned if I know how stuff finds its way to my cruller while doing a morning groundpound, but it does, and the stuff often doesn’t make much sense. Today it was below freezing, but I was wearing a nice woolen cap, so I can’t attribute this foolishness to a lack of cranial blood flow. Being a blogger, I’ve learned not to fight off ideas, no matter how goofy they may be. So, with that, I will share with you today’s brain fart:

I got to thinking about Western Heroes (called “cowboys,” when I was a youngin’). That must have fired off the nonsense neuron, because I got to thinking about renaming the gunslingers of yore. Here they are:

The Crisco Kid: Riding the plains in search of the ultimate flaky pie crust.

Wild Bill Hiccup: The gunfighter who had to hang up his shootin’ irons because of intractable spasms of the diaphragm.

Stoned Ranger: Hiyoooooooh … uh …. Hiyoooooooh …. uh … dude”

Bong-o: The Stoned Ranger’s faithful Indian native American companion. ”Hey kimosabe, you ate all the beef jerky? Got any cookies left?”

Chorro: The masked, caped swordsman in black who carved a “C” with his blade and could not suppress the urge to occasionally shake his ass and say, “Cuchi-Cuchi!”

Green Autry: The enviro-cowboy. It was said that ol’ Green would never let his horse shit anywhere near a stream.

Flabby Hayes: It is not widely known, but the bearded, ubiquitous sidekick curmudgeon, after growing too fat to ride a horse without injuring the animal, was responsible for the design of an equine sidecar.

Tom Dicks: A famous cowboy, or a subject and a verb seeking a predicate?

Crawlalong Cassidy: After several failed attempts at rehab, and having pawned his six-shooters, Crawlalong nevertheless ended up in the Bowery wearing a battered black hat looking for bad guys.

Goy Rogers: The name given to Roy by his buddy Shlomo Finklestein, the Jewish proprietor of the General Store near the Double R Bar Ranch.

Ya think maybe I need a warmer hat?


  1. Great re-names.

    Comment by LeeAnn — November 23, 2008 @ 9:00 pm

  2. A looser hat, perhaps…and maybe the $150-per-fluid-oz. hair pomade you use is seeping into your head’s pores.

    Comment by Erica — November 23, 2008 @ 9:22 pm

  3. perhaps, maybe… maybe just a hat that doesn’t cut off quite so much blood circulation…

    Comment by Mike R. — November 23, 2008 @ 9:53 pm

  4. Howe about Red Roder…the Little Beaver? Some gags for that straight line…

    Comment by GUYK — November 23, 2008 @ 10:00 pm

  5. You forgot Crapalong Hoppity, who used to be able to pinch off a strunz’ while jumping on one foot. (He shot the other foot off in a tragic Gunfire-Related Mishap while – you guessed it – pinching off a strunz’.)

    Comment by Elisson — November 23, 2008 @ 10:27 pm

  6. I think your hat is probably fine. What I’d suggest is walking a little more briskly, so that the blood actually gets all the way up into your brain.

    Comment by DMerriman — November 23, 2008 @ 11:06 pm

  7. Ya think maybe I need a warmer hat?

    Only if your head is cold. LOL. All I can think of after reading those is that Mel Brooks must have sought you out for an in depth consultation to come up with Hedley Lamarr.

    Comment by Teresa — November 24, 2008 @ 1:22 am

  8. Can you imagine what would result if Elisson and I walked together in the mornings?



    Comment by Jim — November 24, 2008 @ 3:33 am

  9. Jimbo
    Let`s not forget “Bullet Bob Steal” whose wife said Enough with the bullet`s already, Howza bout getting a gun or two?

    Or “Wild Bill Inchcock” who got laughed out of every whorehouse he ever went to.

    Or “Chlamedia Jane”….No respectable cowpoke would touch her but the cow`s were nervous.

    Just trying to help!

    Comment by dudley1 — November 24, 2008 @ 11:02 am

  10. Heheheheheeeee! Great! 🙂

    Comment by Richmond — November 24, 2008 @ 5:09 pm

  11. You need to loosen your lug nuts.

    Comment by Cappy — November 24, 2008 @ 10:28 pm

  12. …. those are great….. I think I need to start taking a walk in the morning!….

    Comment by Eric — November 25, 2008 @ 9:07 am

  13. I laughed out loud at dudley1’s “Chlamydia Jane.”


    Comment by Jim — November 25, 2008 @ 9:32 am

  14. Jimbo…….

    I forgot one, “Smelly Burnette” who was almost selected as the Representative for Bush`s Chili before they hired the dog.

    Comment by dudley1 — November 25, 2008 @ 12:51 pm

  15. Don’t think it’s temp related, Jim. Breath deeper man, it’s lack of oxygen.

    Really though, those are all great.

    Comment by Dan O — November 25, 2008 @ 1:09 pm

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