December 13, 2008

Move Over, Eliot Ness.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 4:47 pm

Here, in New Jersey, where we have sections of cities that look like some shithole in Somolia and which are equally dangerous, and where you can’t spit without hitting a crooked politician, our Crime Busting Attorney General, Anne Milgram, a Jon Corzine appointee, turned the state’s law enforcement guns on the company that sells Kinoki Foot Pads!

Perhaps you have seen the infomercials. These are the lily-white pads you stick to the bottoms of your feet while you sleep, and the next morning when you remove them, they are all brown and nasty looking. According to the seller of this product, this is because the pads are busy removing all sorts of dreadful toxins from your blood. Of course, the claim is complete rubbish.

Ms. Milgram is following in the footsteps of her predecessor, Peter Harvey, whose office wrestled Blockbuster to the ground over late fees, while U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie was successfully prosecuting a boatload of crooked state politicians.

Arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic?

You betcha!


  1. Were one to simply move out of New Jersey, I am sure Kinoki foot pads would probably not be necessary in the first place.


    Comment by Erica — December 13, 2008 @ 5:38 pm

  2. In Brooklyn, one would need a Kinoki body wrap.



    Comment by Jim — December 13, 2008 @ 7:43 pm

  3. In Jersey, one would need to wear a HAZMAT body wrap over their Kinoki body wrap.

    Comment by Erica — December 13, 2008 @ 8:58 pm

  4. Dooshbag.

    Comment by Erica — December 13, 2008 @ 8:58 pm

  5. … and Damn!….. I asked for those for Christmas!…… I figured that by next October I would be GLOWING when you guys all showed up!…

    Comment by Eric — December 13, 2008 @ 11:03 pm

  6. Say Erica,

    Have you ever seen or heard of a Long Island Pretzel dog? Aunt Annie’s here in Bangkok is selling them. I thought of you when I saw the sign.

    Comment by Gerald — December 14, 2008 @ 6:40 am

  7. The real question, Jimbo, is not whether the footpads work, but why you know about the “Beauty Brians” site. You must surrrender your mancard to the nearest authorities to have a corner removed immediately. You are sentenced to four hours of John Wayne and or Clint Eastwood viewing.

    I also recommend some manly food like beer and ribs or a giant steak, just to restore your inner man-balance. A cigar would not hurt the cause, either.

    Comment by hoosierboy — December 14, 2008 @ 10:38 am

  8. Hi Gerald (and hi, Jim): Thank you for thinking of me in far-off and exotic lands. That’s awesome.

    I never heard of a Long Island Pretzel Dog but, it’s funny you mention because the other day I recall being horrified while looking at the window of a convenient store near me (right next to the train station) advertising a new Kraft product called “Bagel-fuls“.

    Friend, in a city that takes its bagels very seriously, this hybrid bagel + hot pocket is a major abomination. I understand that there are people “on the go” around here, but how much time does it take to schmear a little cream cheese on a toasted bagel?

    Probably the same amount of time it takes to microwave a Bagel-ful. And just so we don’t stray completely off topic, I will say that a Bagel-ful probably tastes like the Kinoki foot wrap when removed from the foot of a New Jersey resident.

    I think I covered all my bases here.

    Comment by Erica — December 14, 2008 @ 10:52 am

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

Powered by WordPress