December 21, 2008

Dear Mr. Hasslehoff:

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 1:57 pm

I just read a post at The Coalition of the Swilling about your singing the National Anthem at one of the gazillion bowl games being held this year. I hope you sing better than you act.

See, the thing is, I think you’re an asshole. I’ve thought that for quite some time (years, in fact), but I never got around to telling you that, or telling you why I think you’re an asshole. No time like the present.

Roughly a quarter century ago, my daughter, who was a little girl at the time, used to watch you on that dumbass talking car show. She didn’t think it was a dumbass show, but that’s because she was a child. Anyway, she was quite star struck, so much so that she decided to write you a fan letter. Believing I was wise in most matters, as little girls are wont to believe, she asked me if I thought that writing you a letter was a good idea.

I told her that it was a great idea, and I even went so far as to suggest that she request a photo. I told her that she would probably hear from you. What I didn’t tell her is that I knew that people such as you, with a hit TV show that had a particular appeal to children, get lots of letters from admiring, young fans and that people like you had someone (perhaps an agency) routinely respond to such letters.

She happily worked on her letter and even asked me to look it over. I told her it was a terrific letter, because it was. We mailed her letter, and, of course, she dutifully checked the mail every day for a response. Days, then weeks went by, and when it became apparent that she would not receive a response, I told her that you were probably very, very busy, but that you, no doubt, appreciated hearing from her. I did not tell her that I had concluded that you are an asshole.

Now, she’s well educated and all grown up, so I’m certain that she realizes that dads sometimes have to shade the truth to spare their little girl’s feelings. I’m also certain that, being all grown up and being particularly bright, she thinks you’re an asshole.

Do I hold a grudge? Damned straight, asshole.

Very truly yours,
Parkway Rest Stop
P.S. I’d sooner shovel shit than listen to you sing anything, much less the National Anthem.


  1. I love it when someone hassles the Hoff. He is sooooo deserving.

    Comment by Joan of Argghh! — December 21, 2008 @ 3:11 pm

  2. So we won’t be seeing you on his social networking site?

    The guys a freaking rockstar in Germany and Austria you know…

    Are you sure this isn’t about “hair envy??”

    Comment by dan — December 21, 2008 @ 8:18 pm

  3. Jimbo’s hair is 1,000,000% better than Hasselhoff’s. No doubt about it.

    I never could stand that show – or Bay Watch for that matter (then again when it comes to Bay Watch I guess it was more of a show for guys…) I never saw more than a few minutes of either one before feeling dreadfully ill and turning the channel.

    Comment by Teresa — December 21, 2008 @ 9:12 pm

  4. I remember when he played a smarmy pretty-boy on a soap opera. His character’s name was . . . wait for it . . .


    I am a fount of trivia.

    Comment by dogette — December 21, 2008 @ 9:31 pm

  5. The tech rep for one of my client’s printers is his double. I can’t look at him without laughing. I can’t imagine going through life looking exactly like a celebrity asshole…

    Comment by gregor — December 21, 2008 @ 10:30 pm

  6. He just seems… dumb. Really dumb.

    Comment by Bou — December 21, 2008 @ 11:30 pm

  7. The Hoff was the male lead in the cult classic film Revenge of the Cheerleaders in 1976. Too bad it was all downhill from there.

    Comment by Ernie Nilsen — December 21, 2008 @ 11:44 pm

  8. Sis has a very unhealthy HoffFixation.

    Comment by Mr. Bingley — December 22, 2008 @ 7:22 am

  9. …. well said, Jimbo….. he should be pubilcy stoned for that whole Bay Watch thing…..

    Comment by Eric — December 22, 2008 @ 7:58 am

  10. Why would anyone ask Hasselhoff to sing the National Anthem? Is Roseanne Barr unavailable?

    Comment by John D — December 22, 2008 @ 3:28 pm

  11. Truly – what an asshole. And Eric – that’s not a half bad idea – though I would have thought you would have enjoyed the whole “chicks running on beaches” part.

    Didn’t do a thing for me, surprisingly… 😉

    Comment by Richmond — December 22, 2008 @ 7:33 pm

  12. Jimbo,
    You obviously have not seen this awesome music video of Mr. Hasselhoff.

    Comment by Jerry — December 22, 2008 @ 10:43 pm

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