December 28, 2008

Princess Caroline Writes to Barack Obama.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 4:30 pm

Ms. Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg
155 Park Avenue
New York, New York

Dear President-Elect Obama:

I really hate to bother you while you are on your well-deserved vacation in Hawaii, but I would like to request your assistance in connection with a matter with which I am currently involved. Before I wrote this, I checked with my uncle, TED KENNEDY, and he told me that you wouldn’t mind hearing from me and assisting me. He also said that he was certain that my slain uncle, BOBBY KENNEDY and my brutally assassinated father, JOHN F. KENNEDY, would want you to help me. I’m pretty sure that my little brother, JOHN KENNEDY, who tragically died in a plane crash, and my deceased mother JACQUELINE KENNEDY, an American icon, would also be certain that you would help me with my current problem.

As you may know, I am seeking the appointment to the United States Senate to fill the seat that will be vacated by that shrieking harpy whose ass you kicked in the primaries Hillary Clinton. I know that this appointment is solely within the power of David Paterson, the governor of New York, but I have a feeling that your recommendation (along with a few federal pot sweeteners) would convince him to appoint me.

You know what some people are saying? They have the nerve to say that I am not qualified to be a U.S. Senator and that I’m capitalizing on my name, which just happens to be the same as that of my uncle TED KENNEDY, my murdered uncle, BOBBY KENNEDY, my assassinated father JOHN F. KENNEDY, my died-too-soon brother, JOHN KENNEDY and my sainted mother JACQUELINE KENNEDY. Such a claim is preposterous. I am very qualified to be a United States Senator. I have a law degree, and I have done lots of really good and very important things, all of which qualify me to be a U.S. Senator. I am working on the list of things, and I promise to send it to you as soon as it’s finished.

Yes, it’s true that I missed voting in a bunch of elections, but who knew that my aroma therapy spa sessions would sometimes fall on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November. I have fired my appointment secretary, so that won’t happen anymore.

Despite my excellent qualifications, some people (even some from our own beloved Democratic Party) still insist that I am not qualified to be appointed to the Senate. So, in order to satisfy them and you, I promise to do the following things, if I am appointed.

1. I will read “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” in order to develop an actual personality. It really hurts me when people say I have the personality of a piss clam.

2. I will take a course in public speaking so that when I speak I don’t sound like I was just awakened from surgery.

3. I promise never, ever to use the words “lunch” and “vacation” as verbs.

4. I will get a map of the State of New York and make sure I know where they grow apples and places where it’s really cold in the winter. I will even visit one of those shitholes quaint little towns north of Syracuse in the winter and have pancakes in a local restaurant.

5. I will spend some time with Rosie O’Donnell, so she can teach me how to be funny. Rosie rocks.

6. I will listen to rap music and that other kind of music you like, which I believe is called slip slop, so I can go down and be funky.

7. I will vacation (ooopsie!) take a vacation at Coney Island and eat one of those hot dog things that they make at Famous Noonan’s.

8. I have already lunched (another ooopsie!) eaten lunch with Al Sharpton, and I promise to spend more time getting down with the Bros and Sistas in Harlem. I understand that Bill Clinton is looking to sub-let his office there, as he never uses it.

9. I promise to take a ride on the subway. In fact, I have an appointment with one of my assistants who promised to show me where the subway is.

10. I promise to work not one minute less than two days per week (when the Senate is in session), if I am appointed.

I am looking forward to hearing from you, as is my uncle TED KENNEDY and as would be my murdered uncle BOBBY KENNEDY, my assassinated father JOHN F. KENNEDY and my tragically deceased brother JOHN KENNEDY and my beloved mother JACQUELINE KENNEDY.

Very truly yours,
Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg


  1. Nailed it.

    I must say, Jim, that the one thing — yes, the only thing — I can’t fault the woman for is that, despite having megamillions at her disposal, she has not opted for Botox.

    Sssssss. <—catty

    Comment by dogette — December 28, 2008 @ 4:47 pm

  2. Obama will make smoking ‘cool’ again. Maybe Caroline will make ‘valley girls’ cool again.

    Comment by Joan of Argghh! — December 28, 2008 @ 6:27 pm

  3. I have a feeling that the governor of New York may have other ideas about a replacement.

    Comment by Kevin — December 28, 2008 @ 7:35 pm

  4. Hey, it worked for Bush…

    Comment by Cousin Jack — December 28, 2008 @ 9:03 pm

  5. Jimbo – how sweet of you to eliminate all the “you knows” from the preceding! (two words dear Caroline can not seem to resist using in every sentence uttered)

    Dogette nailed it on the botox though. I want a pic of Princess Caroline with Nancy Pelosi.

    Comment by Teresa — December 28, 2008 @ 9:04 pm

  6. Ummmmmm… What family is she with, again?

    Comment by DMerriman — December 29, 2008 @ 12:51 am

  7. 2. I will take a course in public speaking so that when I speak I don’t sound like I was just awakened from surgery.


    Comment by Indiana Jery — December 29, 2008 @ 2:30 am

  8. Damn, can’t believe she didn’t mention Ted’s brain cancer.

    Comment by James Old Guy — December 29, 2008 @ 8:05 am

  9. […] You need to go read the whole thing. […]

    Pingback by Mostly Cajun, All American and Opinionated » Caroline Kennedy Seeks Senate — December 29, 2008 @ 9:50 am

  10. Jim,

    “if I could find the subway….”

    a classic post, right up there with
    who is that reporter lady who smells like “a hamper”

    Happy New Year
    Looks like Mayor Bloomberg is cutting his losses on this princess.

    Comment by steve from Santa Cruz/Secaucus — December 30, 2008 @ 4:33 pm

  11. What would one do with all that Kennedy money if we were Caroline Kennedy? Me, I would have a nose job. She certainly looks like the Kennedy side of the family, minus the teeth.

    Her public speaking should have held her back in law school. She is terrible. I just don’t feel she is motivated to be a real Senator, instead I think she has given into family pressure to keep a Kennedy in the politican ring as Ted is so ill. Timing is certainly right for them to try. Bottom line is : I am not impressed.

    Comment by Tate Hall — December 31, 2008 @ 3:04 pm

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