November 29, 2004

From Yours Truly, A Jersey Driver.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:46 pm

Memo to New York Drivers
Yo! Move over, gottdammit! In this state, we actually have a law that requires that you stay to the right, except when passing. Unlike some laws, this one is grounded in common sense. It’s simple. If you Empire Staters are driving on a multilane road and you notice that people are passing you on the right (and quite possibly are glaring at you, or worse), MOVE OVER TO THE RIGHT. The Garden State Parkway is NOT 42nd Street.

Memo to Pennsylvania Drivers
In this state, when you wish to turn left at an intersection, you proceed to the center of the intersection to wait for a break in the oncoming traffic. I have seen that in your state you sit at the damned traffic light waiting to turn left, and I have heard that you refer to moving to the center of the intersection to wait as “pulling a Jersey.” Very clever, however when you are in this state, learn to do it the right way.

Oh, and, while you’re at it, pull this!

Memo to Ohio Drivers
WTF???? I find myself wondering whether you folks drink the ritual saki before you embark on your “carmikaze” missions. Listen to me. Entering a highway demands that you pay at least a little bit of attention to the traffic that is already driving on the farookin’ road. I’m not talking here about the niceties of who has the right-of-way under state law. No, I’m talking about your apparent desire to self-destruct on our highways and take a few Garden Staters with you.

For a time, I thought that there was something about New Jersey that caused Ohio drivers to be a complete menace on our roads. But then, I had occasion to drive in Ohio. Holy shit! It’s a statewide demolition derby.

We in the Garden State should petition our legislators require that Ohio drivers display a brightly colored flag or similar identification widget on their vehicles so that we can give them wide berth.

Really. If you need to come to Jersey, please consider a bus.

Happy motoring.


  1. Amen.

    Comment by Kate — November 29, 2004 @ 10:05 pm

  2. Hmmmm, let me see, “Entering a highway demands that you pay . . .” a toll ever’ 5 effin’ miles. I have been to New Jersey, and been on ya’ll’s turnpike, and ya’ll people drive real slow and them damn toll stops sure do mess up the race track. However, the pitstops with the eateries are a very nice touch.

    Comment by Tig — November 29, 2004 @ 11:40 pm

  3. Yeah yeah yeah… you Jersey folk might like your non-commen-sensical “drive-past-the-red-light” nonsense, but we Pennsylvanians will show you! We’ll make all of our major highways only TWO lanes!!! Ha ha ha…. that’s right, cross the Delaware on I-78 (you only need to pay to leave Jersey, not to enter? hmmm…) and we’ll bottle-neck you right down with two poorly maintained lanes of driving bliss!!

    That’s right… we sure showed… you…

    Comment by Auskunft — November 30, 2004 @ 1:08 am

  4. Have I mentioned how much I love living in Montana?

    Comment by Craig — November 30, 2004 @ 7:27 am

  5. I’ll Show You Who’s #1

    Jim has an entertaining rant about out of state drivers and it reminded me of the Jersey Driving Tutorial….

    Trackback by A Secular Franciscan Life — November 30, 2004 @ 7:48 am

  6. Jim you ought to try driving in Russia sometime. 😉

    I don’t but I do ride, that might be some of the reasons for my abundance of silver/white hair.

    Let me describe for you a stop waiting for a light change and then you might not be so hard on the Buckeye State.

    Picture a 6 lane street 3 ongoing 3 oncoming’

    in the middle of the street are tracks for an electic Trolley.

    You are in a cab waiting for the light to change, you are also in row of FIVE not three cars ALL planning to travel in the same direction you are heading in.

    Oh there is also a VERY LARGE Electric Trolley heading towards you and it should be accross the intersection about the time the light will change.

    Now when this happens only 3 cars are going to fit, maybe less due to double parked cars on the sides of the road.

    Oh did I mention that YOUR vehicle is in the MIDDLE of the street, straddling part of the tracks and you are looking directly at the oncoming Trolley? 😉

    Comment by Dan Kauffman — November 30, 2004 @ 8:27 am

  7. I wish they had that “keep right except to pass” law here in Georgia. If they did and they ENFORCED it, Atlanta could be the wealthiest city in the world.

    Comment by zonker — November 30, 2004 @ 9:22 am

  8. This from a man who drives 25 miles per hour in the right lane on Rte 22W with his blinker on!!!

    Comment by Joseph — November 30, 2004 @ 10:20 am

  9. All true, all infuriating, but nothing to worry about if you get the new RPG option on the ’05 Hummers.

    If you can’t get New Yorkers to stand to the right on an escalator you’ll never get them to drive to the right at 40 mph.

    Comment by Mike — November 30, 2004 @ 10:59 am

  10. I’m an Ohio driver. Have been for a good while now. I know what you mean about the race track atmosphere. Hell, I just take the backroads and avoid the big track.

    Comment by RedNeck — November 30, 2004 @ 12:19 pm

  11. How about Philly AND NJ drivers jumping greens to turn left in front of oncoming traffic? Drives me nuts!

    Comment by TIGOBLUE — November 30, 2004 @ 1:57 pm

  12. As far as all of us “regular” Pennsylvanians are concerned, Philly IS part of Jersey. We sure as hell don’t want to claim that city as one of our own.

    Furthermore, we also have that “keep right except to pass law” here. I don’t think it has ever been enforced since it was passed. Fat lot of good it does in any case.

    Comment by Auskunft — November 30, 2004 @ 2:24 pm

  13. Fabulous advice! What about those traffic circles though?

    Comment by Sgt Hook — November 30, 2004 @ 4:31 pm

  14. Lived in Jersey for 4 years. Drove 17 miles on US Route 1 to work every morning, 17 miles back every night. It took me 30 minutes in the morning, 45 minutes at night. I thought that was bad, until I moved to Maryland. Now I drive 20 miles to work on I-270, and it can take up to an hour, mainly because EVERY MORNING, SOMEONE WRECKS! And even when there’s not a wreck, people don’t seem to know what the little pedal on the right side of their floorboard is for. I never thought I’d say this, but I WANT TO GO BACK TO JERSEY!!!

    Chadd in MD

    p.s. What’s all this talk about people turning left? As far as I know, I never turned left while I lived in Jersey, I always used the jughandles.

    Comment by Chadd — November 30, 2004 @ 5:13 pm

  15. Come to Montana, Jim. They may have some other states’ plates, but all those drivers are here, too…

    Comment by moos — November 30, 2004 @ 5:31 pm

  16. The left lane is for passing here as well (Florida), except when on a three lane highway, when cruising is done in the middle lane to permit traffic to merge on to the roadway.

    I’ve been known to give the international hand gesture for ‘WTF?!’ to many a left-lane drag-ass. They will almost always look in their rearview mirror, and when they do…well, they usually get my drift.

    Comment by jmflynny — November 30, 2004 @ 11:21 pm

  17. I’m a former Jersey driver now living in PA. You have only scratched the surface about how bad things are in Pennsylvania. Check out my article in IMPACT. I pine for the days of driving on the Parkway.

    Comment by Don — December 4, 2004 @ 8:59 am

  18. Around The Sphere

    Things are interesting here at the temporary lair, and I am devoting a good deal of time to said interesting (good) situation. Meantime, here are some links to some things going under the mainstream radar, along with a few observations:…

    Trackback by The Laughing Wolf — December 6, 2004 @ 4:28 pm

  19. I am an Ohio driver orignally from Jersey. In fact, I got my license at 17 in Jersey. Now that I am a father of a 15 year old, the 17 requirement is good thing. When I a was kid it was a bad thing. I wish it wasn’t 16 in Ohio.

    But I have been in Ohio for 21 years and learned the Ohio/Midwest way of driving. It is different and a reflection of the enviornment.

    In general, the following are true:

    1. 80 is the average highway speed in the Midwest (that means west of PA). This is normal, you do less than that on I-75 or I-70 you risk your life.

    2. Our highways are newer and wider it is generally easier for the person on the highway to see traffic entering the ramps.

    3. Because of #1 and #2 it has evolved that the person already on the highway has the responsibility to change lanes to avoid the merging traffic.

    My guess is that once Yugo-like vehicles became common, those of use driving gas suckin’, road burnin’, V-8 powered sucide machines, just evolved to the conditions of the enviornment. That is get out of the way of the under-powered death trap entering the highway.

    Unfortunately, people who grow up in the enviornment don’t understand this. When they travel to places like the People’s Republic of New Jersey they cause a culture problem.

    I just realized that when my family goes to Shore for summer vacation (one every three years) I do all the driving. I suspect that is related to driving habits. The last five years, we have been avoiding the AC expressway and taking the Cape May ferry. This has the added benefit of avoiding the PA turnpike because we end up taking I-68 accross the top of Maryland. This all results in less inflicitng of Midwest driving on the New Jersey population.

    Comment by Bob — December 11, 2004 @ 2:59 pm

  20. Bob – Excellent comment. Amusing and it explains a good deal about why Ohio drivers seem hell-bent on suicide in the Garden State.

    Comment by Jim - Parkway Rest Stop — December 11, 2004 @ 5:36 pm

  21. My question was mentioned but not answered here. Why do pennsylvannians constantly drive in the left lane? They stay there no matter what. Even if nobody is on the highway, they will jump all they way to the left. They wont move. I notice this more and more every day. The other day, even a cop had to use his lights and siren for a lady that wouldn’t move to the right, Somebody please tell me why????????

    Comment by Wicked — January 31, 2005 @ 5:56 pm

  22. Wicked –

    I wish I had an answer, but I do not. Maybe it’s something in the water.

    Comment by Jim - Parkway Rest Stop — January 31, 2005 @ 8:53 pm

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