December 22, 2004

The Cadillac New Jersey.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 8:57 pm

During today’s walk, I saw a Mercury MONTANA, a Chevrolet COLORADO, and a Dodge DAKOTA. I am also aware that Chrysler used to manufacture a car called the NEW YORKER. Now, I certainly have nothing against Montana, Colorado, Dakota (North or South), or New York. Hell, I have friends in most of those places. However, I think it’s high time that the auto industry manufactured a car named after the Garden State.

Yo, General Motors’ Cadillac Division, I’m calling you out!

Tony Soprano drives a Caddy, as do boatloads of real-life pinkie-ring wearing, kneecap breaking guys in the Garden State. It is also the preferred ride of union bosses, doctors, and plaintiffs’ lawyers in these parts. The market is there, and the time is right. I can see the ad now:
:
INTRODUCING THE CADILLAC NEW JERSEY

For the ultimate in luxury and safety, General Motors is proud to introduce the 2005 Cadillac New Jersey. While this stellar example of the finest in American engineering has been designed to keep you safe and comfortable in traffic jams that can last for hours, the Cadillac New Jersey is also capable of unleashing its 450 horses at a second’s notice, whether on the highway, or wherever you may be when a quick getaway is a must. This beauty comes standard with a 100 watt, 12 speaker, multi-disc stereo system, which has been specially wired and calibrated to flawlessly receive a dedicated satellite feed that plays nothing but Sinatra, Dean Martin, Al Martino, and Gerry Vale, 24/7.

In addition, the Cadillac New Jersey boasts important safety features such as bulletproof windows and doors and an optional armored undercarriage. Other options include: a multi-band police scanner, pasta bar, easy access gun ports, and a hermetically sealed, steam cleanable trunk to prevent unwanted odors from entering the passenger compartment.

The Cadillac New Jersey…..It’s a great freakin’ cah.

13 Comments »

  1. ….and it comes in a nice shade of “suede.” I like it. I like it alot.

    Merry Christmas Jim.

    From your pal, bitterman.

    Comment by bitterman — December 22, 2004 @ 9:07 pm

  2. bitterman — Actually, I neglected to mention that it comes in four different shades of black.

    Thanks, and Merry Christmas to you as well.

    Comment by Jim - Parkway Rest Stop — December 22, 2004 @ 9:10 pm

  3. Shouldn’t that be the Cadillac New Joisey ??

    Comment by MommaBear — December 23, 2004 @ 5:38 am

  4. And I believe it was a Caddy that Silvio so effortlessly dragged Adriana from, into the woods. The custom Italian leather seats provide a slick, luxurious path to the great beyond for all stoolies.

    All that, with Sinatra blasting “the summerwind”… It dosen’t get any better than that. That’s going out in style !

    Comment by cousin gary — December 23, 2004 @ 7:51 am

  5. Funny, yesterday I saw a whale of an old station wagon called a Pontiac Parisienne. Thing had a wheel base like a Mack truck. Parisienne, my a*s. Driven by a very little, very old lady, of course.

    Maybe GM would go for your idea if you called it the “Bayonne.”

    Comment by Jack Bog — December 23, 2004 @ 10:32 am

  6. Turn signals not included as they’ve been deemed obsolete. Automated middle finger optional.

    Comment by Shamrock — December 23, 2004 @ 11:30 am

  7. Pasta Bar? (Tee hee.) I’m in.

    Comment by TJ — December 23, 2004 @ 11:51 am

  8. I can never get the farookin’ trackback to work. Got any tips?

    http://sluggoneedsanap.blogspot.com/2004/12/i-want-decavalcante-model.html

    Comment by Mike — December 23, 2004 @ 1:32 pm

  9. yankee-mobile

    Who in the hell, other than a farooking YANKEE, would want one of these? INTRODUCING THE CADILLAC NEW JERSEY For…

    Trackback by Gut Rumbles — December 23, 2004 @ 5:50 pm

  10. When you hit the horn, does it go “YO! Get the &^%^&&&^ outta da way!” ?

    Comment by DMerriman — December 23, 2004 @ 7:06 pm

  11. CRUISIN’ SOPRANO STYLE

    Jim, at Parkway Rest Stop proposes that the Garden State finally receive a fitting automotive tribute: the Cadillac New Jersey.

    Trackback by Nobody Move — December 23, 2004 @ 8:32 pm

  12. Jim, Merry Chritmas!

    I’m suprised you didn’t see any Buick “Park Avenues” on your walk… I had one once. Nothin’ like a half a mile of hood between you and whatever you just ran into…

    Comment by RedNeck — December 24, 2004 @ 4:52 am

  13. Holy cow, Jim — I was just talking about “car names,” and how there are so many Western names and so few (only one!) with Eastern names!

    Great minds, Jim…great minds.

    http://www.davidmsc.com/index.php?p=71

    Comment by david — December 24, 2004 @ 2:32 pm

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