OK, already! Enough! I’ve had it with the Television News Vans parked outside the House by the Parkway. I’m tired of getting the non-stop phone calls from Brian Williams, Katie Couric and that Guy on ABC, all wanting to know the same thing.

Yo, Jimbo. What’s your reaction to the Sheryl Crow thing with the one sheet of toilet paper? Now, she’s saying it was all a big joke. Your thoughts, Jimbo?”

Oddly enough, Ms. Crow’s suggestion that one sheet should be enough to get the heiney wipage done did seem ridiculous enough to have been a joke. The problem is that in the past she was undeniably dead serious when she said things such as this:

I think war is based in greed and there are huge karmic retributions that will follow. I think war is never the answer to solving any problems. The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies.

I laughed out loud when I first read that drivel, so for me it had the effect of a joke.

And then there are gems like this:

In my mind, there are two motivators for action and those are Love and Fear. Any action stemming from Fear will never set anyone on a positive and truthful course. It is my belief that our desire to democratize countries such as Iraq, Iran, etc., is imperialistic and based on greed.

Why are there no discussions taking place regarding the possibility of using alternative means to fuel our cars, (our SUVs), alleviating us from having to be slaves to the oil industry? Is it because the automobile industry is a monstrous moneymaking presence in this country?

Why are there no discussions on shrinking the size of tires so that our cars use less gasoline, thus lessening our dependency on outsiders [sic] oil? Not only are we threatening our environment in real and tangible ways, we are being slaves to the mentality of greed.

This from a woman who demands lavish backstage arrangements and travels with a fleet of gas and diesel burning vehicles that could accommodate an infantry company.

To me, that too qualifies as a joke.

I, therefore, have to conclude that her serious statements sound like jokes, and her statements that actually do sound like jokes are quite probably very serious.

Besides, I believe that in Ms. Crow’s case, one sheet would work. It is reasonable to assume that when she pulls her head out of her ass long enough to run her mouth, her hair cleans out most of the ca-ca, leaving only a small amount behind, which can be easily managed with just one sheet.

Which, of course, qualifies her as a genuine shithead.

Seeing as how I have absolutely nothing interesting or amusing to contribute, I thought I’d share something that was sent to me by my pal Shirley, from, as her husband Art would say, “The Great City of Fort Wayne, Indiana.”

Here goes:

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it “Hillary Rodham Clinton”
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, “Do you really want to get rid of “Hillary Rodham Clinton?”
6. Firmly Click “Yes.”
7. Feel better.

Longtime readers may notice that I have written about this before in more detail, but it bears repeating.

Over the weekend I did some significant butchery to my upper lip while shaving. It was one of those gashes where one doesn’t notice the wound until after shaving is complete. Nay, it was immediately and painfully apparent that I took a chunk of meat from Mr. Upper Lip. The bleeding was instantaneous and profuse.

I tried direct pressure, with toilet paper of course, (Sorry Ms. Crow), which did absolutely zippo to stop the serious bleeding. Moving on to a more sophisticated fix, I tried a styptic pencil. I felt the burn and took that to equate with efficacy. Wrong. The bleeding continued.

Clearly, it was time for Da Teabag. Yes, as noted above, the wet teabag has never failed to stem the flow of blood from a shaving cut within a few minutes.

As a public service, I am again extolling the wonderful powers of the humble teabag, with a particular eye toward the ladies and the shaving accidents that I suspect often befall them.** While conjuring up the potential widespread geography of such accidents makes me shudder, I can well appreciate the need to stem the flow of blood.

I, therefore, remind you to toss a box of teabags into your shopping cart the next time you are in the supermarket – even if you don’t drink the stuff. You’ll thank me.

** I seem to recall reading that Eric, who could shave his baby face with a wet towel, uses a razor, geographically speaking, considerably south of his moosh. He would be well advised to keep a large box of teabags on hand.

June 9, 1944

President Franklin D. Roosevelt
The White House
Washington, D.C.

Dear President Roosevelt:

I have been following the grim news of the invasion of France. From what I have read, the airborne assault was a disaster scattering men all over the French countryside, the bombing in advance of the amphibious assault was too far inland to do any good, the naval bombardment left the German gun emplacements intact, and most of the tanks never made it to the beach, all resulting in massive numbers of American casualties (estimates are 1,400 dead and 3,200 wounded).

In short, this is yet another example of the gross mismanagement of this war.

When one considers the losses this country has already suffered in Bataan, Guadalcanal, Anzio and Tarawa, I think it is safe to say that the war is lost.

This is to advise you that I will be meeting with my colleagues in the Senate and conferring with the leadership in the House of Representatives to formulate measures we will take to put an end to this horrible misadventure.

Very truly yours,

Harry Reid
Majority Leader, United States Senate

It seems that some of the Blown-Eyeds, are posting videos of 70’s Rockers. It also seems that the developing tune theme has to do with “Mountain”. Having actually been a 70’s Rocker, Ms. Brooklyn Smartass, (“Hairboy,“ indeed!), I figure I’ll play along.

With that, I give you Mountain’s Mississippi Queen, recorded in 1970.

I think it was about fifteen years ago I was at a concert at the Meadowlands Arena in New Jersey (I think it was a Clapton concert), and I was happy to learn that Leslie West and Mountain would be the opening act. Frankly, I was surprised to learn that ol’ Leslie West had managed to survive all the booze and pharmaceuticals.

Anyway, out they came, and, I surmise to remind everyone in the audience who they were, they opened with “Mississippi Queen”. The song began with the familiar power chords, and we all waited for Leslie to play the screaming lick that would signal the real beginning of the song.

When the audience was brought to an appropriate level of excitement, it was time for Leslie to play the lick he had probably played thousands of times before. Here it comes! ………….. ACK! WTF? His guitar was out of tune! Leslie West was on stage playing a guitar that was out of tune. The song was damned near half over by the time he realized the little problemo and fixed it, proving, I suppose, that maybe he only half survived the booze and pharmaceuticals.

As the video below demonstrates (it was shot in 2006 in Lakewood, New Jersey – not exactly the Meadowlands), Leslie West is still, well, … ambulatory.

You remember our former governor, Jim McGreevey?

Sure you do.

No?

Aw hell, I know he’s been gone for a while, but you must remember him.

He’s the guy who threw a lavish family reunion in Ireland at taxpayers’ expense.

He’s the guy who accepted a speaking engagement vacation in Puerto Rico, which was paid for by the Longshoremen’s Association, an outfit with ties to organized crime.

He’s the guy who surrounded himself with crooks and who may himself been directly involved in a “Machiavellian” scheme.

He’s the guy who put his profoundly unqualified, non-American boyfriend in charge of the safety of the citizens of New Jersey by naming him the Head of the Department of Homeland Security.

He’s the guy who, likely on the verge of being indicted, decided to resign, on the stated grounds that he is a “Gay American”.

He’s the guy who submitted his written resignation to take effect sufficiently in the future so as to prevent the citizens of New Jersey from voting for a replacement in a special election

He is the guy who made New Jersey the laughing stock of the country.

Remember him now?

I thought you might.

Now, it seems that this very same Jim McGreevey has accepted a teaching post at Kean University, a state university, where he will be teaching … hang on to your chair … ethics, law and leadership. In addition to his taxpayer-funded salary (modest thought it may be), he will also be earning credits towards his taxpayer-funded state pension.

I had hoped I was finished writing about this creep, and I damned sure hoped I was done paying for this creep, but this is New Jersey, and the creeps are in charge.

Frankly, I’m fresh out of outrage.

I continue to wish Governor Corzine a full and speedy recovery from the injuries he suffered when the SUV in which he was riding was involved in an accident on the Garden State Parkway.

Once he’s back on his feet, I hope he explains to the citizens of New Jersey why seatbelt laws and speed limits apply to us but not to him.

After the accident, the explanation offered by the police was that a reckless driver caused the accident by veering onto the Parkway from the shoulder, causing a second car to swerve into the path of the Governor’s SUV. The police then revealed that, at the time of the accident, the Governor was not wearing a seatbelt, which constitutes a violation of New Jersey law.

Now, the police have added significant new details to the description of the accident. It seems that the Governor’s car, part of a two-car motorcade, was blasting down the Garden State Parkway at 91 miles per hour, with flashing emergency lights and a blaring siren, so that other motorists would get out of the way.

It now seems fair to conclude that the accident happened because the other two vehicles were trying to get out of the way of the Governor’s speeding SUV. Simply put, but for the Governor’s car traveling 91 miles per hour (26 miles per hour over the posted speed limit), with flashing emergency lights and screaming siren, the accident would not have happened.

Was the Governor responding to a genuine emergency, which would have justified the speeding and the use of flashing lights and siren? No, he was in a hurry to get to the meeting between Don Imus and the Rutgers women’s basketball team, which on that day was the hottest news story in the United States and a world-class photo-op.

If there is any good news in all of this, it is that no law abiding motorists were injured.

ScrappleFace. Priceless. Go read.

RightWingRocker was quite possibly drunk kind enough to identify my ravings, which are anything but scholarly, as stuff that makes him “think”. As such, I am to identify five blogs that make me “think”. RWR’s naming this blog as one that provokes thought proves, as I urge below, that “thinking” covers a good deal of ground.

I “think” I should note that I construe the term “think” very broadly. “Thought,” when boiled down to its essence, is a series of electrochemical events that takes place in our crullers, and there are all sorts of thinking one might do. For example, there is deep introspective thought, problem solving thought, fantasy thought, analytical thought, humorous thought and free-ranging thought (i.e. creativity), just to name a few. Given the breadth of the definition, any blog worth reading ought to provoke thought of one kind or another.

With that said, here are the five blogs that came to mind, understanding that any and all of those in my blogroll qualify as blogs that make me think, otherwise they wouldn’t be there.

Straight White Guy. Eric’s writing very often takes me to familiar places, but casts familiar things in a light that I had previously not seen. Eric can write about something as pedestrian as sitting on his deck with a cup of coffee, but he and observes, really observes, his immediate surroundings in a most compelling way, which is not only entertaining, but also often serves to remind me to look at the world around me more carefully, lest I miss something amazing.

Elisson and Erica. The two “E’s” (one of whom I have met a couple times and the other I will be meeting shortly) have taught me more about things Jewish than I had previously learned in my entire life, and they managed to do it in a most entertaining way — those wacky Jooos. Now that might not be such an achievement if I lived in a place where one never bumps into someone of the Jewish persuasion, but I live in the Northeast, where just about every town has a synagogue, so I didn’t exactly come to the table with a tabula rasa. Still, there is absolutely no way that I would ever eat gefilte fish.

Sgt. Hook. Our favorite Command Sergeant Major regularly reminds me of the quality of the people who serve in our armed forces and their steadfast dedication to their country, their comrades, their mission and to you and me. Sgt. Hook is a class act.

Two Nervous Dogs. Dogette, who is a gifted writer with a deadly wit and savage sense of humor, regularly manages to make me laugh. Perhaps more importantly, at least for purposes of this post, reading her stuff can light up a spark of creativity in me when my creativity meter is stuck on zero. I don’t understand exactly how or why that works, but it often does. So, that damned sure qualifies in the Making-Me-Think Department. (NOTE: If you are unable to see Dogette’s site, it’s because she has deployed multiple bot shields with enough Macht to send a ten-ton asteroid careening into space. If you are denied entry, let me know in the comments, and I’ll see what I can do, but you may have to chip in for cookies.)

Here are da Rules, which were lifted directly from RWR’s site.

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

This exercise required entirely too much thought.

I’d like to dedicate this to my buddy, V-Man, seeing as how he has entered his fifth decade and isn’t dealing with it all that well.

Keep rockin’, Sonny Boy.

Via The Ultimate Insult