Michelle Hines of Michigan worked very hard at being just that — full of shit — just before she produced the world’s longest unbroken turd. The Mondo Stronzo measured 26 feet, which is the exact length of Ms. Hines’ colon.

In order to accomplish this amazing feat, she ate lots and lots and lots of fiber the week before the event and bulked up even more with Metamucil. During that week, she held back the gathering shitstorm by using a special heiney plug.

A high school provided her with the use of its bowling alley to produce this stunning work of art.

Intermaweb.net has the story, with pictures, here.

h/t Curmudgeonly & Skeptical (check out the rollover)

PRS operatives have come upon the following, which is the New Employee and Intern Orientation Memo that is provided to Senator Ted Kennedy’s Staffers.

New Employee and Intern Orientation

Welcome to the Senate offices of Edward M. Kennedy. We are confident that you find that working for the Senator can be a rewarding experience, which will most certainly be valuable to your career development. In order to gain the maximum value from your experience here, it is important that you comply with the following rules and guidelines. Failure to do so can result in the termination of your employment or internship. I, therefore, urge you to read this document carefully.

Dress Code
Male employees are required to wear a jacket and tie at all times. Female employees are encouraged to wear short skirts and clingy things. Panty lines are not acceptable, and undergarments should not hide the female torso’s natural reaction to cold. The latter is particularly important for well-breasted women.

Cocktails
The Senator has a cocktail hour each hour commencing with his arrival to the office. Your duties with respect to cocktails will include any or all of the following on a rotating basis:

The Senator requires that he be provided with a cocktail no later than three minutes after his arrival to the office.

You will be responsible for ensuring that the wet bar in the Senator’s private office remains fully stocked. Normally, this will require that you place two or three orders per week with the local supplier. Be sure to specify that the boxes must be wrapped in plain, brown paper.

You must keep the office ice buckets full. There are six ice buckets in the office. Familiarize yourself with their locations. The Senator demands fresh ice and does not tolerate more than one inch of water in the bottom of each bucket.

When the Senator is in his private office he will usually make his own cocktails, but sometimes (most often at or after the 5 o’clock cocktail hour) he may require you to make his cocktails for him. If called upon to perform this task, you are not permitted to look directly at or to speak to the Senator.

Writing for the Senator
If you are called upon to write a speech or other public statement for the Senator, it is very important that you keep in mind that the Senator will be reading your text after several cocktail hours. Therefore, you must avoid multi-syllabic words and complex sentences. You should also use a large, bolded font in your documents.

If you draft a sentence that contains a reference to the President, the sentence must include some variation of the terms “lie, lied, or liar”. References to Vice President Cheney must always be accompanied by the word “Halliburton”. There are no exceptions to these rules.

Handling Phone Calls (Constituents)
The Senator does not speak with constituents and, as such, you will be expected to handle all calls from constituents. There are two exceptions to the foregoing rule. The Senator should be advised of calls from constituents or non-constituents who have made very large contributions to the Senator’s campaign, and the Senator will always accept a constituent’s call if the caller’s name is “Roxie”.

In the event that a constituent calls to complain, advise the caller that you will convey his or her concern to the Senator. Be sure to take down the caller’s name and address so that immediately following the call, you can provide the identifying information to the IRS with a request to audit the caller’s most recent tax returns. Do not bother the Senator with the caller’s concerns, and be sure to destroy any notes you may have made.

Handling Phone Calls (Other)
The Senator has very strict rules about handling calls from the following persons:

Senator John Kerry: Senator Kerry is to be advised that the Senior Senator from Massachusetts will return the call when he gets around to it.

Chief Justice Roberts or Justice Alito: They are to be advised that the Senator was only kidding.

Senator Hillary Clinton: Humor her; she actually thinks that she may someday be President.

Senator Charles “Chuck” Schumer: Humor him too. He’s always on television.

Tavern Owners: Occasionally irate tavern owners call demanding payment of outstanding accounts. Obtain the name of the establishment and the amount of the indebtedness, and provide this information to the office manager who will promptly pay the establishment from a special account. You should also provide this information to the IRS as part of a request to audit the establishment’s tax returns.

Law Enforcement Officers: These calls are not uncommon and should be referred directly to the Senator’s attorney.

Actions Resulting in Immediate Termination
Doing any of the following will result n on-the-spot termination, an IRS audit and subsequent character assassination:

Saying anything to the Senator even remotely resembling, “Are you sure you’re OK to drive?”

Any mention or reference (directly or indirectly) to Chappaq*******k

Any mention or reference (directly or indirectly) to Mary Jo Kop****e

We look forward to working with you.

Judge Sam Alito, a Garden Stater, and Judge on the Third Circuit Court of Appeals for fifteen years, became Justice Sam Alito today, no thanks to New Jersey Senator Frank Lautenberg (who missed his farina feeding so he could be wheeled in for the vote) and our newly appointed Hudson County Political Boss Senator, Bob Menendez, whose first act as a Senator was to vote against the stated preference of the majority of the state’s citizens.

As dismal as the performance of Senators Lautenberg and Menendez may be, I take solace in knowing that, unbelievable as it may seem, there is a state that harbors an even greater number of head-in-your-ass, knee-jerk Democrat voters than there are in Jersey.

Take a bow, Massachusetts.

h/t Enlighten-New Jersey for the poll results.

Just when I thought I had the Big, Fat, Black, Capitalist Car deal nailed down, the Minion of Satan car dealer surprised me with something akin to a lateral arabesque with respect to our arrangement. No wonder that car salesmen are held in lower esteem than even, uh, … lawyers.

Developing.

You have to check out the television commercials from 1950 that I found at The Ultimate Insult. While I may be that old and while we did have a television back then (with a ten inch screen), I don’t remember these particular commercials (I hadn’t even started school). I do, however, remember ones that were just like them. My, how things have changed.

The first two or three should be of particular interest to Eric.

Damn, I really am that farookin’ old.

Ken At SmadaNek is hosting this week’s Carnival of the New Jersey Bloggers. Ken’s interesting approach to this week’s Carnival bespeaks his facility with numbers and such.

Yes, today is:

Satur-DAY, Satur-DAY, SAAAAAtur-day,
Satur-DAY, Satur-DAY, SAAAAAtur-day.

Satur-DAY, Satur-DAY, SAAAAAtur-day,
Satur-DAY, Satur-DAY, SAAAAAtur-day.

Thank you, Bernie Taupin (Elton John’s wordsmithing partner) for that moving lyric.

Which brings me to Elton John — Sir Elton John.

I never cared for the guy’s music. With a couple exceptions (Daniel and Rocket Man come to mind), I always found his tunes to be plodding, much like the musical embodiment of a person walking with a bad limp. Plus, those of his songs that are even slightly tolerable all sound the damned same to me.

In addition, I never was impressed or amused by his wigs, his clown-like (ack!) outfits, or his douchebag big-assed glasses.

This message was brought to you by The Free-Floating Case of the Ass Society. Feh!

I’ve ordered a new, 2006 big, fat, black, capitalist car to replace my 2003 big, fat, black, capitalist car. With any luck, I should have it next week. Like my current big, fat, black, capitalist car, this big, fat, black, capitalist car has all the bells and whistles, except for the electric asswipes I was so hoping to get (the dealer said that the manufacturer does not offer that option).

I’m looking forward to the rush that comes with getting new wheels. Even though the new big, fat, black, capitalist car looks quite similar to my current big, fat, black, capitalist car, it will doubtless contain some new gadgets and will smell brandy-new. Nice.

One undeniable upside to having a big, fat, black, capitalist car is that if I find myself unable to pay for it, I can always strap on a black suit and drive people to and from Newark Airport. For an extra couple bucks, I could bring the axe and play a few tunes when we get stuck in the ever-present traffic.

Yes, that’s what I have — a Free-Floating Case of the Ass. Maybe it’s a collision of cosmic forces and real-time events over which I have little or no control, but everything seems to be on my very last nerve right about now, and it has sapped any creativity I otherwise may have had, assuming I ever had any to speak of.

So, Jimbo, what has managed to frost your stindeens?

Well, if I knew, I wouldn’t refer to it as a “Free-Floating Case of the Ass” now would I?

The best I can do is try to open the neural pathways between the top of my cruller and my high-speed, touch-type fingers. As such, this list is certainly not complete and is in no particular order:

The weather. Is it going to be cold or not cold? Two days ago, one could wear short sleeves outside. Today wearing short sleeves outside would certainly result in death. The huge swings in temperature are making me nuts.

Immigration. Is anybody going to fix this mess before some shitball blows us all to hell? Both shithook parties — I’m calling you out!

Too many people. You have no idea how hard it is in New Jersey to go someplace where there isn’t a traffic jam, a line, or a crowd. Sometimes I feel like I live in Calcutta. One has to embark on a goddamned road trip just to be alone. I could use a bit of alone.

Political bickering and backbiting. Can we, for Chrisssakes, stop the bullshit just long enough to realize that it’s US against everyothergoddamnedbody?

Idiots. If you cannot name your two Senators and Congressman, STFU! If I had my way, you wouldn’t be permitted to vote.

Cars. The Japanese are eating our lunch. Wake farookin’ UP, car manufacturers and United Auto Workers!

Reality Television. Good thing for the First Amendment, is all I can say.

Rap. Don’t even think about trying to tell me that that shit is music.

Bloggers who think they’re really important. Bullshit! Even the tall dogs don’t have the readership of a local Podunk fish wrap.

That is all.

I’m going to watch the History Channel and eat some chocolate Necco Wafers. I understand that they are good for a Free-Floating Case of the Ass.

My friend Mark (good guitar player) received the following E-Mail from TedKennedy.com. Mark forwarded it to me, fairly confident that it would cause instant apoplexy. It did. I thought I would share it with you.

Dear mark (sic),

Our country’s Republican leadership makes an art of manipulating the truth because they know the consequences of honesty will be too severe: few Americans would support their narrow and ideological agenda and even fewer would accept the level of corruption and cronyism that plagues their party.

That’s why you and I must tell the truth about them. Every day between now and the 2006 elections is an opportunity to pull back the curtain and show Americans the true nature of their government. It won’t be easy, but I believe you’re reading this email because you find the alternative unacceptable.

The right-wing spin machine has fought back noisily at every turn – and their distortions and attacks will only intensify as the November election comes closer. We have to be ready to fight anything they can throw at us. I hope very much that you’ll be part of this fight, and that you’ll help us to make sure we’re ready by contributing $35 or more, if you can afford it, to my re-election campaign:

http://www.tedkennedy.com/timeforthetruth

In recent weeks, Republicans have done everything they can to distract the media and the country with attacks and distortions. Instead of candidly discussing Samuel Alito’s philosophy and background in the recent hearings on his nomination to the Supreme Court, they ignored his obvious support for the White House’s abuses of power. His right-wing credentials are red meat for the reactionary ideologues who have taken control of the Republican Party.

His nomination by the President is the latest example of this Administration’s refusal to level with the American people. From tax cuts to the environment to New Orleans to Iraq, the current Republican leadership twists reality with cherry-picked evidence and outright lies.

It’s time for change. Between now and November, we need to show America just how far they’ve gone wrong on so many issues vital to all our people. We need to make our case loud and clear that Democratic leadership won’t need smokescreens and distortions to govern. If you’re reading this message you likely don’t need to be convinced – but we do need your support for our efforts to reach out to others. Please support our all-important effort by contributing today:

http://www.tedkennedy.com/timeforthetruth

Our community is a powerful way to advance our message. In the coming months, I look forward to working with you to advocate positive initiatives and hold the Republican leadership accountable for undermining our ideals at home and our respect in the world. With your support, we can reach a larger audience and build momentum throughout this election year.

We have nine months to restore honest government by electing Democrats up and down the ballot. Time is short, but with your help, we can make it happen!

Yours for a Democratic Majority in ’06!

/s/ Edward M. Kennedy

Each time this detestable sack of bilge runs his mouth is a gift to the Republican party. Thanks, Ted. Let’s hope the Democrats keep you and Howard Dean front and center.