It seems hard to believe, but Don Everly (the older of the two Everly Brothers) turned 68 on February 1st. I cannot think of any other two people who sing close harmony better than Don and Phil Everly. They have been singing together for sixty years, and, as evidenced by their performance in December 2003 on the Simon and Garfunkle Tour, they can still do it. On the night I saw them, they absolutely owned the audience.

Power Line has a nice piece on the Brothers Everly, which contains a link to Power Line’s post about the Simon Garfunkle tour I mentioned above and which I wrote about here.

Happy birthday, Don. Thanks for the tunes.

Acidman is running for President in ’08 has declared himself to be President of the United States, and he has already begun selecting his cabinet members and advisors. I am pleased to say that I have been chosen to be Postmaster General of the United States.

While, as Postmaster General, I won’t get to launch military strikes, or direct the deportation of suspected terrorists and assorted assholes, I will finally get Veteran’s Day off. I am pleased with the appointment, for at this stage of my life I don’t care to do much heavy lifting, and, besides, this gig won’t cut into my drinking time.

However, I do have two initiatives in mind. My first order of business will be to commission a Stevie Ray Vaughan stamp, which will be free to anyone who brings a guitar to the post office and can play a simple twelve bar blues to a solid shuffle beat.

Second, I will direct that all stamps be liquor flavored, not with artificial flavoring, but with the real item. As such, within the first three months of my administration, the Post Office will issue stamps in the following flavors: bourbon, scotch, vodka, gin, rum and tequila. It will make bill paying a good deal less painful.

The other cabinet and advisory posts that have been filled to date are as follows:

Secretary of State (He’s better looking than Condi Madeline Albright.)

Secretary of the Treasury (Need money? We’ll just print the sumbitch!)

Secretary of Defense (He’ll make Donald Rumsfeld look like Richard Simmons.)

Attorney General (Janet Reno, she ain’t.)

Secretary of Health and Human Services (He’ll get Cher to do free concerts for the needy.)

Secretary of Transportation (Let the profiling begin!)

Press Secretary (“Yes, the President did refer to Ted Kennedy as a ‘Sack of Shit.’ What of it?”)

Secretary of Assorted Wherewithal, Presidential Bartender and Assassin. (Complain about the drinks at your peril.)

Head of the Secret Service (He’ll kick the Second Amendment up a notch.)

Head of the Department of Beating the Shit out of Political Rivals (These guys come equipped with an enemies list the size of the Manhattan Phone Directory.)

Special White House Advisor (She’ll keep the President grounded and wearing a catcher’s cup.)

President Acidman has already held three cabinet meetings.

My fellow Americans, help has arrived.

My friend Brian, the Air Force Vet, sent me the following e-mail, which managed to make me laugh, even when I was feeling crabby. Therefore, I figure it might be good to pass along, particularly to those of you who may be feeling similarly crabby. I cannot be certain that these one-liners are all from Steven Wright, but they sure sound like his stuff to me.

Enjoy.

————————–

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the humorist
who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
stolen. . . and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things
differently from the way we do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are more of his gems:

1. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future – laziness pays off now.

19. I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.”

24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.

33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

Jury selection began today in Michael Jackson’s trial for alleged child molestation. Predictably, Jackson’s supporters (all of them absolutely certain of his innocence) and his detractors (all of them absolutely certain of his guilt) were out in force in front of the California courthouse. So too were a gazillion members of the media. Does any of this sound familiar? If you said “O.J.,” you win the kewpie doll.

As in the O.J. case, we have a high profile, black (sort of) defendant charged with the commission of an awful crime, who insists that he is absolutely innocent, and who is represented by high-profile lawyers. Jackson’s father has already played the race card outside the courtroom, and it is just a matter of time before the same tactic is employed inside the courtroom. The police will be depicted as racist dolts who will do or say anything to get an conviction, and the victim will be vilified as being nothing more than an unwitting dupe of his money-hungry parents.

I imagine that the cable news networks are looking forward to “The Jackson Trial 24/7,” and the people at Court TV will be jazzing up their resumes, hoping for a network gig when this is all over.

It has all the makings of a train wreck.

The only ray of hope is that, so far, Judge Rodney Melville does not seem inclined to let things get out of hand.

The fact is that every day, all over the country, people are tried for the same offense that Jackson is alleged to have committed. A jury is selected, the prosecution puts on its case, the defense puts on its case, and a verdict is rendered. And, this is all accomplished without any fanfare.

I wish it could be so here, but I’m not holding my breath.

Richard Codey, New Jersey’s Acting Governor (having replaced Governor Jim McGreevey following his “resignation” and long-delayed actual departure) has announced that he will not seek election in November for a full term as Governor.

Why did Richard Codey decide not to run?

It wasn’t because he did not want to be Governor. He would like to be Governor.

It wasn’t because he did not have the ability to be Governor, because he has demonstrated that he is qualified for the job.

It wasn’t because he is unpopular, because, a recent poll shows him to be quite popular.

It wasn’t because he is a louse with a big ego and an even bigger personal agenda, because, by all accounts, Richard Codey is a good and decent man, who apparently has brought a modicum of stability to the mess that Governor McGreevey left behind.

It wasn’t because his family didn’t want him to run, because the majority of his family did want him to run.

No, it wasn’t any of those things.

Richard Codey decided not to run, because he can’t afford it.

Governor Codey conceded that there is no way that he could raise enough money between now and the June democrat primary to defeat New Jersey’s Do-Nothing U.S. Senator Jon Corzine, who has done nothing to advance his qualifications for the Governor’s job other than to say he wants it.

It is estimated that Codey would have to raise $10 million by June in order to be competitive in the primary and, even then, he would likely be outspent by four to one by Jon Corzine. Corzine, as you will recall, spent $63 million of his own money to win his U.S. Senate Seat in 2000, and he has indicated that he would be funding the primary campaign against Codey.

For the last two weeks, Senator Corzine has been wooing state and county democrat party leaders, no doubt reminding them that, over the last three years, he has donated $1.1 million to county and state democrat organizations. It is not too great a stretch to imagine that he promised them that, in exchange for their support, there would be more money on the way.

Jon Corzine, who had bought himself a Senate seat, apparently has become bored with being having only one vote in a club (exclusive though it may be) with one hundred members. Having done virtually nothing for the State of New Jersey while in the Senate, like a petulant, rich brat, he now wants a new toy – the governorship, and it’s his for the buying.

Dick Codey never had a chance.

A few thoughts on why winter is a pain in the ass.

Too Many Clothes: The weather has been sufficiently cold this past week or so that I have to wear a big, fat down-filled parka. It keeps me warm, but I hate having to wear the thing. I really hate having to drive in it. It is confining and renders your pants pockets inaccessible. The sad fact is that it is only necessary to keep from freezing until the car warms up and then to walk from the car to work. Shopping is a bitch too, because you need the coat to get to the store, but you really don’t need it once inside the store. I usually wind up sweating my stindeens off in the produce aisle. I long for tee shirt and shorts weather.

Gloves: This is sort of a subset of “Too many clothes.” If you’re outside for any length of time, you really need them, but I hate wearing the damned things. The problem is that if you need to do anything that requires more dexterity than wielding a snow shovel, you have to take them off anyway. As for driving, I simply cannot drive with gloves on. Any gloves thin and supple enough to permit comfortably driving in them (until the car warms up) won’t keep your hands warm anyway, so why bother. Then, there’s the problem of carrying the damned things around. They fill your pockets, and invariably one of them gets lost. Gloves are a pain in the ass.

Walking: Walking in the winter is a pain in the ass, because you have to keep your eyes fixed on the stretch of sidewalk five or six feet in front of you in order to be able to spot icy patches. Failure to do this could result in your doing a face-plant on the sidewalk.

Baby Steps: Once you see a patch of ice ahead and there’s no way to avoid it, you have to resort to taking little baby steps to keep your center of gravity over your feet. This is a particular treat when the slush freezes solid and the ice takes the form of a solid version of a rough sea. One wrong step could land you in the emergency room. Taking baby steps also makes you look like the farookin’ “Walnetto Guy” on Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In (for you folks old enough to remember “Laugh-In”). Baby steps are a pain in the ass.

Cruddy Looking Cars: My big, beautiful, fat, black, capitalist car is currently not black, but rather “road salt white.” It looks like hell. I hate it, but it makes no sense getting it washed, because it will look like shit again within twenty-four hours. Pain in the ass.

Potholes: These appear by the thousands at this time of year, and they are always a bone-jarring surprise. Some of them are big enough to damn near swallow your wheel and thereby cost you a tire, or a wheel, or worse, not to mention make you spill your coffee. Yet another pain in the ass.

Cabin Fever: Horseshit weather keeps folks at home. Last weekend, for example, other than spending “quality time” with Mr. Snow blower, I was in the house from Friday after work until Monday morning. Hell, we didn’t even open the Post Bar on Sunday. Right about now, I could use a warm breeze, a drink, and a good book outside on the deck. Dream on, Jimbo.

And finally, a word to the folks from the South (where I would prefer to be at this moment) who sometimes drive up North in the winter (God knows why): See that white stuff on the road? That’s snow, and it’s slippery. See the grayish stuff on the street? That’s ice, and it’s seriously slippery. Driving really, really fast on that stuff is a bad idea and slamming on your brakes while on it is a worse idea, and it will provide you with an instant physics lesson on the subject of inertia. Oh, and your four-wheel drive is useless as shit on ice. When the roads are snow and ice-covered and I see a car bearing Florida plates, I break my ass to get as far away as possible. I hate the sound of crunching metal and breaking glass. That’s a real pain in the ass.

Update: How could I have forgotten THIS?

Thanks to Karen for the pic.

I’ll bet that everyone knows at least one or two men to whom they would like to send this site, provided they could do so anonymously.

Via OkieMinnie Me

I give you …….. The Ultimate Head Shop.

Thanks to my friend Brian, the Air Force Vet.

Eric took the damned test. So I thought I would as well.

I’ve decided not to post the shocking results, because they stongly indicate that even Charles Manson would not want to hang with me.

Farookin’ bullshit test.

Maybe I shoulda smiled more when I took it.

Christina, of Feisty Repartee, obviously trying to gobble up my Noir time to increase the already almost unbearable pressure, just tapped me to be part of this musical meme.

Random 10
Jimmy Buffett – License to Chill
Beatles – Abbey Road
Booker T & the M.G.’s – McLemore Avenue
Eric Clapton – Greatest Hits
Dion – New Masters
Joe Cocker – Organic
Chet Atkins, Mark Knopfler – Neck and Neck
Eagles – Hell Freezes Over
Merle Haggard – Collector’s Edition
Delbert McClinton – Never Been Rocked Enough

1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
None. I buy CDs, and play them on a stereo.

2. The last CD you bought is:
Simon and Garfunkle – Live (from the most recent tour with the Everly Brothers)

3. What is the song you last listened to before this message?
Sea of Heartbreak – Jimmy Buffet with George Strait

4. Five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
Runnin’ on Empty – Jackson Brown
Crying – Roy Orbison
You Don’t Know Me – Ray Charles
Unchained Melody – Al Hibbler, The Righteous Brothers
In My Life – Beatles

5. Who are you gonna pass this stick to (four persons and why)?
Acidman because he has excellent taste in music
Blake (The Laughing Wolf) because he has a keen artistic sense
Shamrocketship because she’s a Jersey Girl
jmflynny because she has a cool name, and she may be called upon if I get lost in Jacksonville.