Everyone’s pal, bitterman, of the Smoking Toaster, went home for a visit during the holidays and now delivers unto us a couple trip-related gems:
Bitterman at the airport (This one made me laugh).
and
Bitterman eats Rocky (This one damned near made me hurl).

I get a kick out of bitterman.

Have I ever mentioned that daughter TJ knows her way around a stage and is also an ass-kicking singer? In fact, one of her two majors in college (that would be the school that regularly sent me tuition bills in amounts that approximated the size of the gross national product of a small European country) was “Theater.” She writes, amusingly methinks, about her experience in one of the many college productions in which she appeared, and her post ties the seemingly disparate elements of the title of this post together.

What’s a lipogram, you ask? If you guessed that a lipogram is a letter full of fat, you would be wrong. If you guessed that a lipogram is a fat-measuring unit, you would wrong again. Fear not, for I am about to tell you what a lipogram is.

A lipogram is “a text that purposefully excludes a particular letter of the alphabet.”**

Ernest Vincent Wright, in 1939, created a 50,000-word story, entitled Gadsby, without once using the letter “E”. In order to ensure he would not inadvertently use the letter “E” in a word while creating the manuscript, the author tied down the letter “E” on a manual typewriter.

Some of the more interesting composition challenges he noted were: the inability to use many, if not most, of the past tenses of verbs to the extent that they end with “—ed,” and the unavailability of numbers between six and thirty. Pronouns also posed a problem “for such words as he, she, they, them, theirs, her, herself, myself, himself, yourself, etc., could not be utilized.”

Wright also pointed out that he did not accomplish this feat simply by dropping the “E’s” and replacing them with apostrophes. He stated, “All words used are complete; are correctly spelled and properly used. This has been accomplished through the use of synonyms; and, by so twisting a sentence around as to avoid ambiguity.”

The project took five and a half months.

So, let’s see…..

This group of words is my dumb stab at forming a basic lipogram, much as Wright did in authoring his fifty-thousand word story known as Gadsby. It ain’t easy! I cannot imagine writing an entire story like that, much less a 50,000 word story.

Clearly, the question is why would someone bust his ass for five and a half months to create such a thing?

Beats me. I don’t know.

**One has to wonder whether those zany Clinton staffers who removed all the “W” keys from the computer keyboards in the White House prior to the Bush’s moving in were merely fostering the creation of Presidential lipograms.

Thanks to The Presurfer for posting the Gadsby link and getting me to think about yet another goofy thing.

I know. I know. This post should have appeared on January 1st, but I spent yesterday practicing deep breathing and controlled spit swallowing, having found myself with a case of the post-New Year’s Eve Party epizoodic.

I also know that it is more than a little presumptuous of me to be handing out “Jimbo Awards,” particularly since the basis for selection of the categories and the winners is completely subjective, possibly ill thought, and even more possibly dumb as hell. Tough darts. I run this place.

With that said, on with the “Awards,” which are in no particular order.

1. The Most Righteous “I told you so.”
The award goes to Bernard Goldberg who in 2001, in his book Bias, told us everything we needed to know about Dan Rather, and he was largely written off by the Main Stream Media as a disgruntled employee. If you have never read Bias, do it now. You’ll see what I mean.

2. The Biggest Asshole, Who Mercifully Exited from the Spotlight.
The winner – Teresa Heinz Kerry. While this classless dipshit provided wonderful fodder for satire, the thought that she could have ended up with the keys to the White House still sends shivers down my spine.

3. The Biggest Musical Surprise.
The award goes to Kevin Spacey, who really does sound like Bobby Darin, although I still prefer the real item.

4. The Biggest Musical Non-Surprise. Some “Artists” can’t/don’t/won’t perform live. Ashlee Simpson demonstrated that this is particularly true of “artists” who lack talent when she appeared on a network television show that ought to be called, “Saturday Night Almost Live.”

5. The Most Long-Overdue Investigation Report.
The prize goes to the Corporate Turds at CBS whose “investigation” of the stunt that Dan Rather tried to pull should have taken all of three days to complete and another two days to write and proofread. The latest estimates are that the release of the report of the “investigation” will be timed to coincide with the freezing over of hell.

6. The Greatest Musical Loss.
The death of Ray Charles. ‘Nuf said.

7. Worst Network Television Show that is Wildly Successful.
The award goes to The Apprentice. I saw just enough of one episode to conclude that there is nothing particularly entertaining about watching nascent corporate hunter-killers slice and dice one another to get to the top. I am also supremely tired of seeing “The Donald” (the King of Chapter 11) do his “You’re fired” routine, complete with the stupid hand flick, everywhere he appears. Finally, looking at The Donald’s hair makes my hair hurt.

8. The Deadliest Drink.
This one is easy. The winner is Homemade Georgia “Wine,” which I had occasion to drink mass quantities of sample, courtesy of this guy and this guy. Mind you, I’m no stranger to drinks as strong as rocket fuel cocktails. Hell, I like to drink Slivovitz, straight up, which is not for the lily-livered. But homemade Georgia “wine” (the clear and the flavored varieties) must be reserved for only the most experienced of imbibers. Memo to Self for 2005: Sip, don’t guzzle.

9. Wildest Party.
While Ken (my bodyguard) and the Deckmistress host a regular series of Usual Suspect get-togethers, which often can get a more than a little bit wild, the 2004 winner has to be the Jawja Blogtoberfest in Helen, Georgia. This was roughly 48 hours of pure lunacy, marked by non-stop boozing a series of cocktail parties, drunken blogger blabber-mouthing scintillating conversation, guitar picking, “singing,” half-rubber playing, scandalous pedicuring, bullwhipping, ladies’ room invading, biting (I missed that part), and general debauchery. It was a great party.

10. Most Memorable Blogging Event.
See No. 9, which provided me (and my buddy Ken) with the opportunity to meet Velociman, Eric, Acidman, Zonker, The Evil White Guy, Dax, Catfish, The Laughing Wolf, Denny, the Dog Snot Guys, Mamamontezz, Key, Kelley, Recondo 32 and Georgia. It was a special treat to be able to share some tunes with Rob, Eric and Denny. Great people – every single one of them.

It was a great party, although I’m toxic as hell at the moment. I’ve done the grease bomb, hot coffee and carbonated beverage drill, and I still feel like I went a couple rounds with Mike Tyson.

I must have gotten some bad ice.

Later, …. maybe.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Tonight, a large gathering of the Usual Suspects will take place at a nearby VFW Post, where the folks there know how to throw a helluva New Year’s Eve Bash. We may even have a cocktail or two to ring in the new year.

I wish you all a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year. See you in 2005.

jmflynny, who was a regular contributor at RedNeck Ramblings, now has her very own piece of turf in the Blogosphere. The site, which was set up with the help of ‘Neck of RedNeck Ramblings (Thanks, ‘Neck), is called Divine InnerBitchin’. Having become familiar with her writing at ‘Neck’s place and in various comments (including here), I intend to be a regular at Divine InnerBitchin’.

Besides, she has a pretty cool name. 😉

I see that Ramsey Clark has joined Saddam’s defense team.

No lawyer has to take a case, unless ordered by a court to do so, which happens sometimes. No court has ordered Mr. Clark to represent Saddam, nor would it, given that Saddam already has a clutch of lawyers. I have to assume that Mr. Clark wants to undertake this representation.

I once pee’d next to Ramsey Clark in one of the men’s rooms in the federal courthouse in Philadelphia.

I wish I would have pissed on his shoes.

This morning I had occasion to have breakfast in a local diner (There’s plenty of them in Jersey). The French toast (lousy name, I know) was accompanied by individual servings of Smucker’s “Breakfast Syrup.” With a name like Smucker’s, it may be good, but it sure as hell ain’t maple syrup. .Here are the ingredients listed on the “Breakfast Syrup” label:

Ingredients: corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, water, natural and artificial flavors, salt, caramel color

Notice anything missing in those ingredients? You betcha! There is no farookin’ MAPLE to be found anywhere on the label. Although it might have been one of the “natural flavors” indicated on the label, I doubt it, because I assume if there were real maple syrup in that stuff, it damned well would appear in the ingredients.

I do not mean to disparage the Smucker’s product, as it was fine, but the difference between it and real maple syrup is as obvious as the difference between a fine wine and “T-Bird.”

Compare the ingredients listed above with the ingredients of genuine maple syrup:

Ingredients: sap

That’s it. Maple syrup consists of the sap obtained from sugar maple trees in the springtime that is boiled until just about all the water is gone, leaving only genuine maple syrup. It takes approximately ten gallons of sap to make one quart of maple syrup.

Maple syrup doesn’t just taste better than “Breakfast Syrup,” but it’s actually good for you. Consider the following:

Unlike some things that purport to be “organic” and “natural,” maple syrup is both.
Maple syrup contains as much calcium as whole milk.
Maple syrup contains approximately 40 calories per tablespoon, compared to corn syrup, which contains approximately 60 calories.
Maple Syrup is rich in minerals e.g. calcium, potassium, manganese, magnesium, phosphorus, and iron) and vitamins (e.g. B2, B5, B6, niacin, biotin, and folic acid).

While one often associates maple syrup being made in Vermont, it is also made in Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, Indiana, Minnesota, Michigan, and Canada. (If I left out certain states, I suspect that someone will correct me.)

As a result of eating today’s “Breakfast Syrup,” and writing this entry, I am particularly glad that I have an unopened bottle of Grade “A” Dark Amber New York Maple Syrup in the kitchen, which will be opened and savored tomorrow.

So, if you find yourself in a New Jersey diner ordering pancakes or French toast, and you want genuine maple syrup, I suggest that you bring your own.

It’s time to make some major additions to Mr. Blogroll. The two Montanans, David of “Better Living Through Blogging” and “karbonkountymoos,” as well as Teresa of “Technicalities,” are long-time reads and are long overdue. The others are more recent discoveries, but I find myself repeatedly using my bookmarks to read them, so up they go.

Here are the new additions:

Better Living Through Blogging

karbonkountymoos

Technicalities

The Boiling Point

Feisty Repartee

Fistful of Fortnights

Caught in the X Fire

Inblognito

Peoria Pundit
I am certainly not the first to observe that there are too many good blogs and too little time. I would like to read every single blog on Mr. Blogroll every day, but that would leave little time for writing, and after all, writing is at least half the fun.

I am thinking that one way to make the process more efficient is to add one of those features that tells me when a site has been updated. Any suggestions? I would prefer suggestions that even a cyber-doofus I can implement.