December 23, 2006

Nancy’s Diary (Vol. 5) — The Christmas Entry.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jim @ 2:27 pm


Dear Diary,

I wanted to make a Christmas entry into my diary, but as the Speaker in the House of the Representatives, I have been too busy, well, speaking to even begin to think of something to write. Then, someone sent me this thing called a “meme”, and I just couldn’t resist.

Here goes!

1.Wrapping paper or gift bags? I make Rosa, my house servant, wrap the gifts, using only recycled paper. Saving the environment is very important to me. Al Gore said so.

2.Real tree or artificial? I wouldn’t think of murdering a tree. Conifericide! Bad Karma. I have a big artificial tree that I made Rosa spray paint with all sorts of psychedelic colors – sort of like Wavy Gravy’s VW bus – very groovy. The ornaments are all origami Christmas figures. A few of the republican pig dogs my republican colleagues from the House of the Representatives saw them and thought they were artistic and cute. The stupid bastards had no idea that they were made with rolling papers. ROFLMAO!!!

3.When do you put up the tree? I always tell Rosa that I want the goddamned tree put up on the day of the winter solstice. During that long night, I like to put flowers in my hair, fire up some Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young and get really screwed up on Panama Red.

4.When do you take the tree down? I make Rosa come in very early on the day after Christmas to take the tree down and clean up the puke and empty bottles before I get up. Who wants to look at that shit once Christmas is over?

5.Do you like eggnog? Oh yeah, but only if it is heavily laced with ground up shrooms. Last time I drank it, I swore I saw a bearded guy with a pregnant woman on a donkey outside my house. It was far out.

6.Favorite gift you received as a child? Tough choice. I suppose my favorite gift was a pair of panties that said “to Nancy, with love … Fabian” on them. (Ssshhhh big, boffo secret time – I didn’t take them off for a month! LOL!). My next favorite gift was a Joseph Stalin doll. I still have it.

7.Do you have a nativity scene? I’m too lazy to google “nativity”, so I’ll say “no”. LOL!!

8.Hardest person to buy for? Harry Reid. He looks like a corpse no matter what he wears.

9.Easiest person to buy for? Teddy Kennedy, hands down! I always send him two cases of Chivas and an autographed picture of my tits. He’s a rascal, that one. LOL!!

10.Mail or email Christmas cards? The people who work for me in the House of the Representatives assure me that they send out a bunch of cards with my picture on them every year (the “covered tits” version – LOL). I can’t be bothered.

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received. Back in the nineties, Bill Clinton sent me a vibrating cigar. I never mentioned it to Hilly. Damned thing stopped working after three days. LOL!!!

12.Favorite Christmas movie? Fahrenheit 911. I know it’s not exactly a Christmas movie, but that Mikey Moore is just sooooooo smart, and he reminds me of Santa Claus, except for the stupid baseball cap.

13.When do you start shopping? I shop year-round. Can’t you tell? ROFLMAO!

14.Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I am a strong believer in recycling.

15.Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? After a couple hours with the Santa bong, I’ll eat anything.

16.Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear, but after some bitchin’ egg nog (see answer to #5), they turn some awesome colors.

17.Favorite Christmas song? Damn … I know it. Give me a minute. It has the word “white” in the title. Ah, now I remember! “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane.

18.Travel at Christmas or stay home? A traditional Christmas at home, thank you very much. I have Rosa paint one cheek of my ass green and the other one red, and I walk around in my Christmas thong. It’s a gas! LOL!!

19.Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeers? Of course I can. Moe, Larry, Curly, Shemp (everyone always forgets Shemp). No, wait! Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Zeppo (everyone always forgets Zeppo). No, wait! Never mind.

20.Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. I have a beautiful replica of the piece of Gerry Garcia’s missing finger on top of my tree. It’s awesome.

21.Open the presents on Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Eve (see answer to #4).

22.Most annoying thing about this time of year? The prices of good weed and acid go through the roof.

23.Do you have Jebus in your heart this Christmas? Heart? Are you shitting me?

24.What would you like for Christmas? A water bed, a case of olive oil and Baracky!

Vol 1
Vol 2
Vol 3
Vol 4


  1. OMG, Jim, that was great! Now, I have to get the damned eggnog cleaned out of my nose AND off the monitor! Hope you and yours have a very Merry “Jersey” Christmas!

    Comment by Jerry K — December 23, 2006 @ 3:51 pm

  2. “heavily laced with ground up shrooms”
    you farookin’ kill me with this!

    God Bless You, Merry Gentleman!

    Comment by shoe — December 23, 2006 @ 4:36 pm

  3. Merry, Merry Christmas, Jim!

    Comment by Jean — December 23, 2006 @ 6:05 pm

  4. O.

    You should write for SNL.

    Comment by Pixie — December 23, 2006 @ 6:16 pm

  5. Wit, timing, vocabulary. Strike three. NF. Perhaps the lamest attempt at humor I’ve seen in a long time.

    Comment by Durkin — December 24, 2006 @ 12:25 am

  6. Maybe that’s what I’m missing in the egg nog… shrooms. Damn – I never thought of that. Merry Christmas Jim! *grin*

    Comment by Teresa — December 24, 2006 @ 1:43 pm

  7. Merry Christmas, my friend, to you and your wonderful family and the Usual Suspects and Bodyguard Ken (if you will extend my wishes to them, please!).

    Comment by gregor — December 24, 2006 @ 5:55 pm

  8. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours!

    Comment by Kevin Burke — December 24, 2006 @ 9:01 pm

  9. Merry Christmas, Jimbo, to you, your family, loved ones, friends, etc.

    (…dang, I can’t think of anything witty to say…)

    Comment by Erica — December 24, 2006 @ 11:14 pm

  10. Another classic, Jimbo.

    Comment by Robbie K. — December 25, 2006 @ 12:03 pm

  11. Fucking Classic!!!

    23.Do you have Jebus in your heart this Christmas? Heart? Are you shitting me?


    Comment by Yabu — December 25, 2006 @ 10:37 pm

  12. Quoth’d Dick Durbin Durkin:

    Wit, timing, vocabulary. Strike three. NF. Perhaps the lamest attempt at humor I’ve seen in a long time.

    You must have missed John “Christmas In Cambodia ” Al-Qerry’s now-infamous “Stoopid In Iraq” joke, Lil’ Dick.

    Comment by B.C. — December 26, 2006 @ 2:34 pm

  13. WTF…….

    You & Denny should collaborate on a book ……….”Nancy & Babs in a white house Bedroom” Should be a best seller!

    Comment by dudley1 — December 28, 2006 @ 9:35 am

  14. OMFG!!!!

    Comment by oddybobo — December 28, 2006 @ 11:51 am

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