Dear Susan [Sarandon],

Way to go, girl!

Sincerely,
Tokyo Rose

Dear Bill [Maher},

A couple million of the guys I did shows for are with me now, and just about all of them want to kick your ass. They’re already taking numbers. Just thought I’d let you know in case you come by this way, which is, admittedly, doubtful.

Very truly yours,
Bob Hope

Dear [President] George [Bush],

Don’t let the bastards get you down.

I remember when they said I looked like an ape, talked funny, and a got us into a hopeless quagmire.

Sincerely,
Abraham Lincoln

Last night as I was driving home in the Big, Fat, Black, Capitalist Car, I found myself behind a beautiful, big, fat capitalist car, the make of which I was unable to identify. It sported curtains on the inside of the rear window that could be pulled together for passenger privacy. I could also see that it was two-toned, silver and blue. I got close enough to see the logo (see above image), but I didn’t recognize the logo either.

The car pulled into the right lane, which enabled me to pass it and get a side view. It was truly a magnificent looking sleek, big, fat, capitalist car with elegant lines. The logo also appeared as a hood ornament.

Later, I searched Google for automobile logos, and I learned that the logo belongs to Maybach (the double M’s originally stood for Maybach Motors).

Turns out that Maybach cars, manufactured in Germany, are the Mercedes Luxury Cars. The car has a twelve cylinder engine that produces 550 horsepower. Its interior contains any one of three varieties of real wood.

The buyer of a Maybach has “two million design options”, which essentially renders each Maybach automobile custom made. That is why the company manufactures only four to five cars per day and no more than 1,000 cars per year. Maybach refers to its dealerships as “salons”.

Here are numerous pictures of the exterior of the two models (I saw the big one on the road).

Here are pictures of the interior, including the reclining rear seats.

You might be asking, ‘Yo, Jimbo. What would one of these Maybachs set you back?”

I was wondering that myself, and I learned that the suggested manufacturer’s retail price is a mere $382,500. I guess that’s before you start adding on options such as dual televisions, computers, refrigerator and who knows what else.

I guess that if you can pay almost $400K for a car, it doesn’t matter that it gets 12 miles per gallon.

If I ever get around to winning the lottery, I’m buying one. I figure it would look great with my hair.

June 4, 2006

Dear Comrade Abu Musab al-Zarqawi,

Praise Allah in all His Greatness, I wanted to drop you a note to let you know that I’m doing pretty well, although cave life can be somewhat unpleasant sometimes. It is always pretty dark in here, and the food sucks. One can only eat so much camel meat, and we ran out of dates and coffee.

Fortunately, Allah blessed us with a couple cases of MRE’s that were stolen from the stupid American Infidels. I really love the Mac ‘n Cheese, and this Kool-Aid stuff is terrific, especially the cherry. You should try it sometime.

It can get to be pretty boring here, but I pass the time by watching the battery-operated satellite TV and surfing the web (We have WiFi). I must say that our friends at CNN and the Infidel television networks are doing an excellent job. Oh, and I just love reading the New York Times on the web. It makes my day – every day, praise Allah.

Still, I am tiring of cave dwelling, and could use a few days in a real house with a kitchen and stuff like that. Besides, it’s time for my annual bath.

I received your last letter, and I know where you and our associates will be for a few days, beginning on June 8th. I plan on joining you there sometime on the 9th or 10th. I’ll send you an encrypted e-mail a few hours before my arrival, so you’ll know when to expect me. Please advise your security people that I will be wearing a burqa, and I’ll answer to the name “Nawal”.

Praise Allah and his Greatness, I hope this finds you well, and I am looking forward to seeing you sometime on the 9th or 10th.

Yours in Jihad,

Osama

I got my letter today from the Department of Veterans Affairs. Apparently I am one of the gazillion veterans whose information was in the database that was stolen from a VA employee’s home. The letter advises that I monitor my financial statements for signs of “suspicious activity”.

I figure that, if I see credit card charges from places like “Yamashita’s Sushi Palace” or “Gators R Us”, I’ll know something’s up.

Oh, and if some guy claiming to be me buys a house in your neighborhood, check his hair. If it’s not of the great farookin’ variety, please give me a shout, OK?

Here is great and most satisfying story about a scam artist having the tables turned on him. It’s worth the time.

Via Curmudgeonly & Skeptical.

Damn, I always figured that he would arrive in a ’56 Buick.

Thanks to Dave for the link.

Today is the 62nd anniversary of the Allied Invasion on Normandy Beach in France. All the chips were on the table that day.

I shudder to think how such an operation would have fared with today’s mainstream media, with coverage that would have focused on the casualties and tactical mistakes that occured that day, and a “loyal” opposition that would lap it up and use it in a quest to regain political power.

When Craig did the heavy lifting necessary to convert this site from Movable Type to WordPress with little or no notice (spammers and an overwhelmed host made the switch immediately necessary), some of the stuff that was on the sidebar of the Movable Type site did not get switched over.

I initially figured that I would simply, but ever so carefully, fool with Mr. Template to put the stuff back. I managed to add stuff — even a button — to the old site, so I thought I would be able to do it again.

So, I popped open the template and, “Holy Style Sheets, Batman!” The WordPress templates don’t look anything like those in Movable Type. I stared at the template (and the style sheet — style farookin’ sheet??? as if they were written in Sanskrit. Positively stupefying. No way I’m going anywhere near that.

Besides, it’s not a huge deal, as the site works fine. I can write stuff, and people can read it. The rest is gravy. Besides, I know that Craig, who has always graciously helped when asked, has many, many more important things to do these days to than to add non-necessary doodads to my site.

Well, another blogger has made the reckless mistake of volunteering volunteered to fiddle with Mr. Template and put some old stuff back and maybe even add a few new bells and whistles.

As you can see, the picture of the headstock of my beloved Gibson has reappeared along with the “Mr. Blogroll” title.

More changes to Mr. Sidebar and site are in the offing. I’m positively happy-dance giddy.

The mondo-helpful blogger seeks no accolades and prefers not to be identified, but I would like to publicly express my sincere thanks for volunteering to help the Mr. Cyber-Challenged.

It was a great party last night. There must have been 150 – 175 people there, and Sol spent all night walking around speaking with each and every one of them. Not too shabby for a 100-year old guy, methinks.

Drove back this morning and spent the rest of the day resting and dozing off reading a crime novel. Didn’t feel much like blogging.

Next, the Sopranos.

My friend, the Amazing Sol Lipkin, turned 100 last Friday, but that didn’t stop him from showing up on Monday for the Memorial Day Parade. This year, he got to ride the parade route in a vintage Cadillac convertible, while the rest of had to walk. Those hundred-year-old vets get all the damned breaks.

Anyway, I will be away from the computer, as several of us will be here attending the Big Bash being thrown by Sol’s family.

It promises to be quite a shindig.

UPDATE: Here is a news story about the party.