I’ve been out of college for three years now, and I haven’t been able to find a job. Got any tips?
Timmy “Skeets” McManus
Jersey City, New Jersey
I can see by the additional information that you enclosed with your letter that Exxon-Mobil, IBM, General Motors and Microsoft informed you that their CEO positions are already filled. I know that you remain encouraged by each of the foregoing advising you that they will keep your resume on file, but let’s talk turkey here, Timmy Boy.
I suspect that the degree in sociology and a grade point average of 1.2 isn’t working out too well for you. I would suggest that, at least for now, you aim a little lower. How about something in journalism? Maybe a paper route? If you play your politics right, you could be promoted to reporter on the New York Times.
You also might consider moving out of New Jersey and seeking work as a shepherd.
Let me know how you make out.
I just turned 57, and I’m thinking about having my ear pierced and getting one of those cool diamond studs for my ear. Waddya think?
Madison, New Jersey
You’re clearly an asshole. You should spend your ear piercing, diamond stud-buying money on something more age-appropriate. Good whiskey comes to mind. Unless, of course your current job involves piracy, in which case you should have both ears pierced, have one of your eyes gouged out and buy a parrot.
I have like this really cool idea. I think they should build a bridge that connects New Jersey and England. That would be like so totally cool. There could be an exit on the Parkway somewhere around Seaside Heights, and the sign could say, “Exit 82 – Seaside Heights, England”. This way you could stop off in the afternoon at Seaside Heights for a swim and a walk on the boardwalk, and then head off to England for dinner.
They could get the English people to build half of it, and where the two halves come together, there could be something like the golden knot they tied at Purgatory Point when the railroads came together. You know about that, right?
Super bonus!! We could put a tollbooth on our side, and the bridge would pay for itself.
Great idea, no?
Maxwell V. Stoner
Point Pleasant, New Jersey
P.S. Jimbo, please keep this to yourself, because I am thinking about trying to get a patent.
Here’s my suggestion. Try staying away from the weed for about three weeks, and if at the end of that time you still think this is a swell idea, I suggest that you consider some prescription meds. Or, perhaps try swimming to England for dinner.