Ask Hillary (Vol. 9)
You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.
Dear Senator Clinton:
First, let me say that I am very happy that you are willing to take the time from your busy campaign schedule to answer our questions. You are an exceedingly smart and very important person, and, as one of your most loyal supporters, I wish you the best of luck in the primaries and later in the general election.
Now, for my question.
What do you think of that Tim Russert guy having the nerve to ask you that “gotcha†question about the Governor of New York’s plan to give driver’s licenses to illegal aliens undocumented workers in New York, the state you represent in the Senate?
Sincerely,
Edgar Reynolds
Dear Edgar,
First, let me say that it is always a pleasure to answer the questions posed by politically astute people like you. While it is true that I am exceedingly smart and very important, I am, first and foremost, a people person. Ask anyone who knows me.
As to your question, I’d like to rip Tim Russert’s nuts off and shove them down his throat. Up until last week, that hamster-faced bag of Buffalo shit was on our team – at least that’s what he told me as he was fondling my ass at a recent Press Club Dinner.
The good news is that my answer was perfectly clear. I support the Governor’s plan, sort of, but I really don’t support it. It’s a sensible idea, sort of, but I don’t think it’s a particularly good idea. I wouldn’t do it, but the Governor would and that’s OK, sort of. Hell, even a knuckle-dragging republican ought to be able to understand that. Besides, the whole thing is Bush and Cheney’s fault.
Memo to that Hamster Face bag of Buffalo shit: Once I’m elected, your ass is mine.
Dear Senator Clinton:
I am a lifelong democrat and one of your great admirers. Still, this is the primary season, and I am weighing my choices for who ought to be our standard bearer in the 2008 elections. In that regard, I would greatly appreciate your candid assessment of the other democrat candidates. It will be a valuable aid in helping me to make my choice in the primary election in my state.
Sincerely,
Martin Balzik
Dear Martin,
I’m sooooo glad you asked me that question, because, as you know, politics can become quite ugly at times, something I abhor, and I always have. In fact, I have instructed my campaign staff to follow my lead and avoid attacking my opponents, as it is most unseemly and downright uncivilized. Presidential candidates should always take the high road.
That said, here are my thoughts on my democrat opponents:
Barack Obama: What the hell kind of name is “Barack†anyhow? Was he named after the sound of a beer and egg fart or some shit? “baaaarACCCK!†What does this guy have to offer the American people? He’s a blackish guy who doesn’t wear pants that show his asscrack or sport a too-big, flat-brimmed, sideways baseball cap. That’s it.
John Edwards: Don’t let that syrupy southern accent or his so-called good looks fool you. My southern accent is way better, and I know for a fact that his teeth are capped and he has had a serious nose job. I’m thinking he’s really a Jew, like that sonofabitch Cheney. You want a smarmy Jew lawyer to be president? Puh-LEEZE!
Joe Biden: Have you checked out those hair plugs? They’re still plugs, for Chrissake. I heard that he had more of them implanted, but they didn’t take. Know why? It’s because that dumb bastard hasn’t had any blood in his brain for years. OMFG, could you be more stupid than him? And, the asshole never shuts up. One time he showed up at one of Ted Kennedy’s parties and took a couple hits of Panama Red and no one could get him to shut his dumbass pie hole. After about twenty minutes of his non-stop bullshit, the room cleared like someone tossed a dead, rotting skunk on the floor. The guy is brain dead.
Chris Dodd: You know? It’s really a shame. Chris used to be a pisser a few years ago when we would get all liquored up and play naked Twister at Ted Kennedy’s place. I remember one time he was so seriously shitfaced he painted his ass green and sang “Danny Boy.†What a hoot! But now? He’s all like, “Check my shit out. I’m the only one on the stage with white hair, so I ought to be the president.†You want a white haired, ass-painted-green, Danny Boy singing jackass as your president? ‘Nuf said.
Bill Richardson: Gimme a freakin’ break! He’s a natural for Taco Bell commercials, but president? Muy bobo. I must admit that I did like it when he publicly kissed my ass during the last debate. I hear he wants to be my running mate. Maybe I’ll let him tend the garden at the White House.
Dennis Kucinich: ROTFLMAO!!! The guy’s a human tampon.
P.S. You’ll note that I did not mention that Mike Gravel guy. Frankly, I forgot about that nutcase, and I trust you did as well.
Dear Senator Clinton:
After enduring the unfair treatment you were afforded at the most recent debate by those so-called “men†on the stage ganging up on you, not to mention that turncoat moderator, are you taking any special steps to prepare yourself for the next debate?
Your loyal supporter,
Marilyn McDyke
Dear Marilyn,
Yes, I plan on using nipple clamps for four hours prior to the debate.
Previous Editions of “Ask Hillary”:
Damn, Jimbo….that was the funniest shit I think I’ve ever read in my life. “Human tampon?!†I have to use that sometime…it’s the perfect companion piece to my “human buttplug.†Now a story, re: “You want a white haired, ass-painted green, Danny Boy singing jackass as your president?â€
The car service peep who took me to LaGuardia last Friday, when debating with me the merits [or lack thereof] of George W. Bush, asked me, after having revealed that he was a faithful listener of the always-truthful, tell-it-like-it-is Randi Rhodes, that Dubya — when he was a young boy in Texas — used to stick firecrackers up frogs’ behinds and watch them blow up.
He then posed the question to me: “Now, I ask you…is that someone you want leading our country into war.†Well, I almost made a “baaaarACCCK!†in my pants from laughing so hard [inside, of course…I didn’t want to be rude and let the guy think I was laughing at him because I thought he was a clueless dooshbag].
Comment by Erica — November 4, 2007 @ 11:52 am
Four names, united for honesty, cause fear, smear, & blackout.
Comment by kucinich nader gravel paul — November 4, 2007 @ 12:41 pm
Jim, the little red dot next to your name in Hillary’s Enemies Database is starting to blink.
Well played, dude.
Comment by dogette — November 4, 2007 @ 1:40 pm
Freaking Awesome as are all of your other Hillary Editions……I am impressed1
Comment by dudley1 — November 4, 2007 @ 4:57 pm
Great, now everything I see Obama I’ll be thinking “egg fart”.
Comment by Nehring — November 4, 2007 @ 6:59 pm
You’d have to find them, first.
Comment by Ed Flinn — November 4, 2007 @ 7:22 pm
It was deeeeliteful to watch that wretched, skanky whore backpedal. What an absolutely breathtaking bitch. Frankly, I can’t believe that Russert even acted like a journalist for a change. I hope it continues. I’d love to see her do a slow bleed throughout the primaries and then lose the nomination to that twinkie, edwards. Honestly, can you imagine what the hell that damn whore would do to our country if she got back into the WH?! I think the overall thing about her that makes my blood boil is her elitist and snarky attitude of entitlement! Because she’s a clintoon and a woman. She offers nothing else. I really hope the good people of this nation have the common sense to give this whore the “McGovern” treatment next November. Four to eight more years of their nonsense! Sheesh!
Comment by Lee — November 4, 2007 @ 8:14 pm
Those are really funny.
Comment by Hammer — November 4, 2007 @ 8:52 pm
Nailed hard with that one…..
Comment by Yabu — November 4, 2007 @ 11:03 pm
Hllary and Nancy RAWK!! Your version anyways. The real ones, not so much.
Comment by Jerry — November 5, 2007 @ 1:38 am
whoa, there. nipple clamps? more than my visual mind could handle. thanks for that, though, always surprises me to find such filth at a normally classy joint. classic!
Comment by supergurl — November 5, 2007 @ 9:13 am
“Foundling Hillarys ass”? You sure know how to make someone lose their lunch.
Comment by james old guy — November 5, 2007 @ 11:56 am
It is so nice of you to give such a wonderful lady a space to answer the hundreds of questions she gets monthly! What a swell guy!
Comment by Michele — November 5, 2007 @ 7:41 pm
I heard that she had contacts that knew someone that was pushin 3 inch tallywacker extensions.
Comment by pierce it — November 5, 2007 @ 7:45 pm