I’ve got nothing to say but it’s O.K.
Good morning, good morning…

(Someone please cue the rooster.)

***

If Democrat State Assemblyman William Payne has his way, New Jersey will be the first northern state to apologize for slavery, even though New Jersey outlawed slavery 162 years ago.

Mind you, this dumbshittery is being discussed at a time when the state is going into 2008 facing a massive deficit (approximately $3 billion), the Governor is still insisting on spending an additional $530 million that state does not have, the state is facing unfunded liabilities of $56 Billion, and even the damned Turnpike may be sold to pay for the seemingly endless spending increases.

And yet, the voters in this state continue to elect these fools.

Oh, yes. William Payne is the brother of this congressional waste of space. I guess that Useless runs in the family.

Yes, sports fans, I am sucking a bit of wind today. I suspect last night’s red wine, bubbly and vodka may have something to do with it. The Taylor Ham and eggs and scalding, extra bold Sumatran blend coffee helped, but the mouse clicks are still too loud.

I need rest and oxygen.

In addition to wishing all who come by here a happy and healthy 2008, I have a few special wishes for some of those who don’t.

I wish the following for these folks:

The producers of reality television programs: I truly hope that in 2008 you find something worthwhile to do with yourselves.

Isamofascists: I hope that you all wake up one day in the coming year and say to yourselves, “Man, this is a really bad idea,” and that you get an education and begin producing something of value to the world.

Spammers: May you all take up an avocation as useful to society as is spamming. Plate spinning might be good. (Yes, I know. They do come around here, but they are cyber zapped before anyone ever sees them.)

Congress People and Senators: May you all wake up one morning and decide that what you need is a real job.

New Jersey Legislators: May you all accept a plea bargain.

John Edwards: May your wife get well, and may you and she stop the Stalinist bullshit and return to your mansion to enjoy spending time with your children.

Barack Obama: May you read a lot, think a lot and mature a lot. At the end of that process, you just might become a Republican.

Ted Kennedy: May you enjoy a swim in a vat of scotch.

Nancy Pelosi: May your plastic surgeon remain alive and his hands nimble.

Bill Clinton: May you come to realize that you will not implode if you talk about something other than yourself for a minute or two.

Hillary Clinton: May you return to the Senate, finish your lackluster service there and then accept a position as a panelist on The View, and may you accept with dignity the reality that even Joy Behar is smarter than you.

I’m going to spend a good deal of the day (maybe all of it) just chillin’ and reading this most interesting book.

Interesting? But of course. For instance, did you know that John Wilkes Booth put together the details of the April 14, 1865 assassination plans (to kill Lincoln, and have his co-conspirators kill Secretary of State Seward and Vice President Johnson) in the afternoon of that day?

Yep, I said it was interesting.

Linking to this post, a “Guest Blogger” at the website Forecast Earth (part of the Weather.com organization) referred to me as a “light bulb libertarian.”

Hmmmmm …

It is notable that John Coleman, the founder of the Weather Channel has said of global warming, “It is the greatest scam in history. I am amazed, appalled and highly offended by it. Global Warming; It is a SCAM.”

“Light Bulb Libertarian?” Yep, I’m fine with that.

As Hillary and Bill separately crisscross the State of Iowa making campaign appearances, PRS Operatives were able to intercept a telephone call between America’s First Couple.

RRRRRRRING

Bill: Hello?

Hilly: What the HELL is wrong with you?

Bill: Who is this?

Hilly: Who the hell do you think it is, you piece of shit.

Bill: Oh … Hi, Hilly.

Hilly: Don’t you ‘Hi Hilly’ me. What the HELL is wrong with you?

Bill: What are you talking about?

Hilly: You know damned well what I’m talking about. I saw your performance on that morning television show today.

Bill: Which show? The one where I followed the guy talking about pig shit? Ha ha ha.

Hilly: Don’t get cute with me. I saw all three shows you were on, and you pulled the same shit on each one of them.

Bill: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Hilly: Oh, really? Horseshit! On every one of those shows, you spent damned near all the time talking about YOUR accomplishments. You didn’t spend any time talking about MY accomplishments!

Bill: Hilly, they’re only ten-minute segments.

Hilly: Are you saying that I don’t have ten minutes worth of accomplishments?

Bill: Let’s not go there, Hill. This discussion always goes badly.

Hilly: So, you rat bastard, you’re saying I have absolutely no accomplishments?

Bill: You mean other than marrying me?

Hilly: YOU SONOFABITCH. I’M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING I HAVE NO ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF MY OWN. MARRYING YOU? YOU MUST BE SHITTING ME! YALE LAW SCHOOL, AND I WOUND UP WITH A SACK OF SHIT GOOBER LIKE YOU? YOU WERE NEVER ANY GODDAMNED GOOD! YOU! YOU! YOU! IT’S ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU. I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT YOU, YOU, YOU, AND THAT IS THAT YOU, YOU, YOU MAKE ME SICK! SICK! SICK!

Bill: You’re shrieking again, Hill. I’ve told you about that before.

Hilly:

Bill: Are you still there?

Hilly:

Bill: I said, are you still there?

Hilly: Yes.

Bill: Good. Now, if you’ll just learn to shut up and leave me alone, I just may be able to get us re-elected.

Hilly: OK, Bill. Sorry.

Bill: That’s better.

I admit it. I’ll be damned if I can figure out the trick here.

Anyone?

Tree: Yo.

Jimbo: What is it?

Tree: Waddya say ya turn my lights on?

Jimbo: I will, the next time I get up.

Tree: So, when do you plan on getting up again?

Jimbo: In a little while.

Tree: Sure. I get it. On Christmas Eve and Christmas day my lights were on all the time. Christmas is over, and now I’m chopped liver?

Jimbo: Dammit, can’t you see that I’m trying to read here?

Tree: DON’T TASE ME, BRO! DON’T TASE ME, BRO!

Jimbo: [Puts book down, gets up and turns on lights]. There! Are you happy now?

Tree: I really didn’t think you’d TASE me, Bro.

Jimbo: Oy!

As in the past, this year I received from family members, among other things, a stack of excellent books. There were a couple action-packed page-turners, several excellent non-fiction books and one that is truly unique.

Of course, I speak of Shorts in a Wad, by none other than our pal Elisson. This morning, while taking a break from cleaning up the post-Christmas celebratory rubble, I sat at the kitchen counter and began to read Shorts in a Wad.

In the book’s introduction, Elisson writes:

You can devour the whole thing at once, popping stories like so many Snacky Peanuts, or you can savor them, reading a story when you have a spare moment.

I went the Snacky Peanuts route and inhaled the whole bowl in one sitting. I couldn’t help myself; the stories were just that good. I did a great deal of LOL-ing, and I’m an inward laugher, not much of an LOL-er, but you simply cannot read these stories and not laugh out loud (a very few are not intended to be funny, and those hit the mark as well). I defy anyone to read the Morty Maggot Story and not burst out laughing.

There is, however, a distinct difference between Elisson’s One Hundred 100-Word Stories and a bowl of Snacky Peanuts. I can’t re-eat Snacky Peanuts, but I can re-read each and every one of the 100-word gems again and again.

And so I shall.