MERRY CHRISTMAS

I would like to wish all of you who have chosen to grace this space with a bit of your time a very Merry Christmas. Please spend a moment or two remembering our servicemen and servicewomen who cannot be home for Christmas with their families, because they are busy seeing to it that we can continue to spend a peaceful Christmas with ours.

After yesterday’s bit of gloom and doom, and seeing as how it is Christmas Eve, here are a couple happy and gay notes – happy, anyway.

Cousin Jack grew up in Jersey (Down Neck), before he migrated to the Left Coast many years ago. He tells a wonderful story about buying Christmas trees in Jersey from “Whitey” down the block, with special emphasis on the year his family ended up with a particular stinky tree.

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I found this over at Suzette’s site, and I will definitely be ordering one, even though it has no wick.

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Remember Junior? He’s the cat that’s not our cat, but who regularly shows up for morning and evening victuals with a very long nap in between. Well, a few days ago, he showed up, obviously all banged up. He was not walking on his right front leg, his face was scraped and his coat looked like hell. I suspect that he had a run in with a car, and the car won.

He ate a little and crashed on his spot (even though he’s not our cat, he has a spot) and barely moved. I walked over the neighbor who has asserted dominion over owns the cat and told them that the cat was in my house, and I thought he should be taken to a vet.

The neighbor came by and took the cat, stating that he would take him to the vet. Frankly, I had my doubts. Junior didn’t show up for a couple days, and I figured that that was the end of him.

Well, I don’t know if he ever was seen by a vet, but he appeared yesterday and, although he still slightly favors his right front leg, he looked just fine. In fact, he effortlessly made the leap from the deck to the deck railing.

After morning chow, he made himself comfortable under the tree. Sorry that the picture is blurred, but, as you can see, the feline ne’er do well looks pretty good.

Now that the federal government is in the business of mandating what kind of light bulbs Americans can use, I can see where this is headed.

2012
100-watt incandescent light bulbs are banned.

2013
Bright colors are banned. Colors are frivolous, and dye manufacturers are well known polluters. Henceforth, all fabrics will be grey.

2014
40-watt incandescent light bulbs are banned.

Candles are banned as a source of dangerous greenhouse gases. Exceptions for use of candles in religious ceremonies will not be granted, for to do so would constitute an impermissible establishment of religion.

Christmas Holiday Winter Festival lights are banned as being a profligate waste of energy. Real Winter Festival trees are banned as wasteful destruction of greenhouse gas reducing flora. Artificial Winter Festival trees are also banned, as the manufacturers of such items are known polluters. State-approved Winter Festival trees, which are grey in color, eighteen inches tall and are manufactured from recycled paper, can be obtained at your local office of the Federal Bureau of Permissible Celebratory Goods (the “FBPCG”).

2015
Separate clothing styles for men and women are banned, as being wasteful and promoting of differences between the sexes. Henceforth all citizens will wear the state-approved grey suit manufactured in China according to U.S. Government specifications, which specifications shall be established by the Federal Bureau of Egalitarian Clothing (the “FBEC”).

Automobile usage will not be permitted without first obtaining a usage permit from the Federal Bureau of Automobile Control (the “FBAC”). Eligibility for issuance of a usage permit will be based solely on the extent to which a citizen’s use of an automobile is in the interest of the state. If it is determined that a citizen is eligible to be assigned an automobile, the type and size of such automobile will be determined by the FBAC, based on family size and distance traveled to and from a citizen’s assigned workplace.

2015
Desserts of any kind are banned as a prime source of obesity. Henceforth all citizens will be assigned a daily permissible caloric limit, which will be strictly enforced by the Federal Bureau of Caloric Control (the “FBCC”). In addition, alcoholic beverages are also banned as being a source of drunkenness and social disharmony. The alcoholic beverage ban will be enforced by a sub-department of the FBCC, known as the U.S. Department of Enforced Sobriety (the “USDES”).

Eating of any animal products is banned as being barbaric and insensitive to our animal neighbors on the planet.

All citizens will henceforth be required to assemble in their respective state-assigned locations for morning exercise. Exceptions will be permitted only upon presentation of a note from a physician from the citizen’s local Federal Health Center.

All firearms will be turned in to the Federal Bureau of Firearms Management (the “FBFM”). After June 1, 2015, firearms in the hands of citizens will be deemed contraband and will subject the violator to criminal sanctions. The FBFM is not authorized to make exceptions to this edict.

2016
All written works and works of artistic expression in any form must be submitted to the Federal Bureau of Properspeak (the “FBP”) to ensure that nothing in any such works offends any citizen, anywhere.

2017
The right and title to all property of any kind, whether real, tangible, or intangible, wherever situated, shall vest in the Federal Government, which, through the Federal Office of Property Distribution (the “FOPD”) shall be equitably distributed to its citizens according to their respective needs.

Fluency in the Spanish language shall be mandatory for all citizens.

JUST SHOOT ME NOW.

Update: Check this out.

Jesus H. Christ!

The collection of fools geniuses in congress just passed (and the President signed — WTF?), a bill which, among other things, will outlaw 100-watt incandescent light bulbs by the year 2012. By 2014, you won’t be able to buy an incandescent bulb brighter than 40 watts.

I can see myself in a hardware store in 2012:

Jimbo: I would like a 100-watt light bulb to replace the one in my reading light that burned out.

Clerk: Sorry, pal. No can do. I could go to the slammer for selling them.

Jimbo: Damn, I forgot. How about two 50’s?

Clerk: No problem. Maybe you should stock up, because in two years I won’t be allowed to sell those either.

Jimbo: I don’t think I will, because I suspect that, by then, possession of a 50-watt bulb will be an indictable offense.

We’re told that we’ll be better off and the planet will be better off if we use billions of light bulbs that contain mercury, a highly toxic substance. Oy!

I believe that some day (maybe even in my lifetime) historians will look back on the havoc that will have been wrought by the detestable Al Gore and his high school science project caliber movie and wonder, “What the hell were they thinking?”

Via C&S

If you’re old enough to remember seeing the Beatles perform on the Ed Sullivan Show, or if you’ve seen film of their performance, you’ll get a major kick out of this video. It’s not the Beatles, but the Beatnix, four Australian guys who have it down pat. The kicker is that they are not playing “She Loves You” or “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” Rather, with tongues planted firmly in their cheeks, they’re playing “Stairway to Heaven” as the Beatles would have done it back then.

I farookin’ love it.

Via Agent Bedhead

The Winter Soltice kicks in in the Northern Hemisphere on December 22 at 1:08 a.m., Eastern Time. Anyone want a wake up call so you don’t miss it?

Last night while reading blogs and lamenting my bone-dry creativity well, I came across this post at Jean’s site in which she invited her readers to head over to Sparrow’s site for what apparently is Sparrow’s regular Haiku Do, where people are asked to submit a haiku.

At the outset, let me say that until a few years ago when daughter TJ put me wise to what a haiku is, I would have thought haiku was some sort of Japanese ritual that involved one or more very sharp knives. But, now that I know that a haiku is a three line poem containing five syllables in the first line, seven syllables in the second line and five syllables in the third and final line, I figured, ”Yo, Jimbo. You can count syllables, and you like music, so what the hell.”

About sixty seconds later, I headed over to Sparrow’s site, popped open the comment box and left my poetic gem behind. After a while, I got to thinking about the last time, many, many years ago, when I quickly penned some poetry and how it went over like a pew-rattling beer fart in church.

Now, a bit apprehensive about my precipitous action, I headed back to Sparrow’s site (which by this time contained a follow-up post) to see what others who really can write some serious poetry (e.g. Jean and the Joanster) had submitted. Oy! I felt as if I had entered a place where everyone was elegantly dressed and I was wearing a dirty raincoat covered with dog shit and snot.

I think I’d better stick to Hillary and Talking Matzoh Balls.

Update: I apologize for previously referring to “Swallow’s Site,” when the correct name is “Sparrow’s Site.” I guess I got my boids mixed up.

I stepped out the front door for this morning’s walk into a dreary and cold day. The temperature was a degree or two above freezing, but it was farookin’ damp. I hate that. I would rather walk in single digit temperatures with a clear sky and dry air. Still, I forged ahead, looking forward to letting my mind wander into the weird places where posts are often conceived.

It didn’t take long before I remembered that one cannot truly let one’s mind wander when there are sections of sidewalk that are covered with ice and a wandering mind can lead to a broken ass.

And that, dear hearts, is why I don’t have anything worth a damn to write about today.

Friggin’ ice.

Well, she asked for it.

Jooette: Yo.

Matzoh Ball:

Jooette: You just gonna sit there?

Matzoh Ball:

Jooette: Wanna watch some tube? Hill Street Blues is on.

Matzoh Ball:

Jooette: Wanna see me do some hand farts?

Matzoh Ball:

Jooette: How about we go out for a few beers and shoot some pool?

Matzoh Ball:

Jooette: You just wanna sit around here and do absolutely nothing?

Matzoh Ball: Actually, I’m having a lovely time just sitting here watching your moustache grow.

Jooette: Prick!

UPDATE: The Wiseass Jooette responds. Made me laugh out loud, it did.

As you may have noticed from the comment number 7 to the previous post, our dog poo blogging, gun slinging, motorcycle riding, purple-hair streaked friend Dogette is having significant access trubs this morning, which accounts for her absence and for our Jonesing for a regular installment of her wackiness.

She suspects Chinese spammers. I suspect her scantily-clad neighbors.

Update: It appears that the cable/internet service provider is experiencing outages in her area.