PRS has once again scooped the Mainstream Media, just as it did in February when PRS acquired a copy of the New Employee and Intern Orientation Memo that was being provided to Senator Ted Kennedy’s Staffers, and again in March when PRS Operatives gained access to Ted Kennedy’s answering machine.

Now, we have been provided with a copy of recent memo that Speaker Pelosi circulated to her office staff concerning internal office procedures.

Date: January 5, 2006

From: Speaker in the House Nancy Pelosi

To: Office Staff

Subject: Office Procedures

Since I have been elected as the SPEAKER in the House, I have become more important than I previously had been. I will be busy doing really important SPEAKER things, and lots and lots of really important people will want to Speak with me. I, therefore, think that it is important that I clearly set forth the manner in which I expect you to perform your jobs.

The following rules and procedures must be adhered to. There are no exceptions. Remember, I am the SPEAKER and this office is NOT a democracy.

1. Proper form of address. At all times, you will refer to me as “Speaker Pelosi”, or “Madam Speaker”. You can forget about that “Congresswoman Pelosi” stuff, because that is so pre-November. And, heaven help any of you who even think about referring to me as “Mrs. Pelosi”.

2. Proper form of greeting. When I enter the office for the first time each day, a staff member must say either “Good morning, Madam Speaker. You look particularly nice today”, or “Good morning Madam Speaker. You look absolutely stunning/radiant/breathtaking in that suit.” I expect that you will devise a system that ensures that each staff member is regularly given a chance to tell me how nice I look. It’s only fair.

3. Referring to members of the “other” party. When you are in the office, never refer to members of the other party as “republicans”. They must always be referred to as re-THUG-licans, Wing Nuts, Chickenhawks, Reich-publicans, War Mongers, or mouth-breathing knuckle dragging morons. I know they can’t help how really stupid they are, but we won, and it sucks to be them.

4. Beverages.
Each morning, no later than ten minutes after my arrival, I must be served a cup of freshly made Indian chai, which must be prepared with Assamese tea, and organic ginger, cardamom pods, cinnamon, and cloves.

I also expect that there will always be no less than a case of Cristal on hand, two bottles of which shall remain chilled at all times so as to permit immediate consumption, as I direct.

Under no circumstances are any staff members permitted to drink the aforementioned Indian chai or Cristal. You are permitted to drink the non-alcoholic beverage of your choice, provided that: (a) you bring it from home, (b) it is organic, and (c) your choice of cup does not displease me.

5. Permissible Music. The only music that is permitted to be played in the office are songs by the following artists: Jefferson Airplane, Grateful Dead, Donovan, Pete Seeger and Joan Baez. Wearing those i-Pod things in your ears so you can listen to different music is absolutely forbidden. If you don’t like Gracie Slick, you damned well can’t work here!

6. Handling Mail
(a) Mail from Constituents: Don’t bother me with that crap! That’s why I have you working here!

(b) Mail from other Members in the House or in the House of the Senate: Unless it is from Senator Clinton, or Senator Obama, in which case, I want it immediately delivered to me unopened, don’t bother me with that crap either!

(c) Other Mail: My Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogs are to be wrapped in brown paper and immediately brought to my private office. Botox literature is to be handled in the same fashion.

7. Chuck Schumer. Ever since November, that dreadful man has been following me around like a dog in heat. Under no circumstances is he to be admitted to my private office.

If you have any questions about these rules and procedures, they better be good, because I am the SPEAKER, and I do not have time to waste on the likes of you.

I was outside this morning in a tee shirt and shorts taking down the Christmas lights. At one point, the sun was uncomfortably warm. The thermometer on my deck registered 72 degrees. I’ve endured countless bone-chilling Jersey winters, and this just ain’t right.

I never thought I would say this, but I could use a bit of cold weather, thank you.

Dear Ms. Sheehan:

We caught your little act during our party’s press conference two days ago, and we are not amused.

Three words: Cut the shit.

Remember, we made you, and we can break you. In that regard, I have been informed by Mr. Soros that he will no longer be sending you checks and that he has stopped payment on those checks currently in your possession. We hope you have bus fare home.

Two more words: Vince Foster

Hoping you’re paying attention,

/s/ Howard Dean

We are so screwed.

It was not without a generous helping of chagrin that the management of PRS learned that the Transportation Security Administration has provided 45,000 of its security officers with sensitivity training in order that they can be better equipped to deal with Islamic travelers in general and those expected to travel in increased numbers to Saudi Arabia to make the hajj, the religious pilgrimage.

We remain somewhat puzzled as to why those making the hajj cannot be expected to comport themselves in airports and on aircraft as any other travelers. However; we are capitalists to the core, and, as such, we sense a huge sensitivity training business opportunity here. First, we expect that it will not be long before the airlines themselves mandate such training for their employees and, second, we expect that other groups of travelers will also demand that airline employees be given sensitivity training to assure that their groups’ customs and habits are understood and accommodated by the airlines.

With that, we at PRS Headquarters (A division of JimboCo Enterprises), through our wholly owned subsidiary, PRS Consulting, Inc., are offering cutting edge sensitivity training to airline employees in a user-friendly CD Rom format, which comes with fully illustrated textual material. All our sensitivity training is performed by Certified Sensitivity Trainers. (Certified by Sensitivity R Us, P.O. Box 1432 Hackensack, NJ)

Here are excerpts from the Training Material that we at PRS have developed this far:

Coping with Irishmen Traveling to St. Patrick’s Day Celebrations

Airline employees should be aware that many of the St. Patrick’s Day Celebrants will begin the celebration process before arriving at the airport and will continue while waiting for the flight to depart. Employees are encouraged to be patient with this group of travelers if they seem have some difficulty walking or speaking clearly.

Once aboard the aircraft, the Celebrants will likely continue the celebration process and will often, at some point during the flight, break into song. We recommend that they be seated together so as to cause minimal annoyance to the other passengers on the aircraft when this occurs.

It is also extremely important to be prepared for some fisticuffs between and among the Celebrants. Be observant for the behaviors that often signal an impending pugilistic encounter, such as loud discussions of soccer or phrases such as, “That’s me sainted mother yer talkin’ about, Paddy!” If a ritual brawl does break out, please assure the other passengers that such contests are confined to members of the group of Celebrants and that collateral damage is not usually a problem.

…

See Chapter Two: “Managing the Blood and Vomit”

Catholics Traveling to the Vatican

Our research has shown that members of this group, often identifiable by virtue of their custom of wearing crosses of various sizes, are often prone to speaking loudly in Latin aboard the aircraft. If they are traveling in a group, they may assemble somewhere in the aircraft to sing Gregorian Chants. Assure the other passengers that these activities are harmless and that, chances are, those speaking in Latin really don’t even know what they are saying. Also consider urging the passengers to enjoy the Gregorian Chants, or in the alternative, to turn up their individual headsets on the heavy metal channel.

…

See Chapter Two, “Managing Attempts to Organize In-Flight Bingo”

Evangelicals Traveling to Revival Meetings

If it weren’t for many of their number carrying Bibles, this would be a difficult group to spot, for its members are very normal in appearance. Once on the aircraft, they may insist on singing hymns and preaching to the other passengers. In more extreme cases, some may flail about while speaking in tongues. It is best to ask in advance if anyone will be speaking in tongues so that he or she can be provided with sufficient flailing room.

Like the Catholics, the Evangelicals pose no danger to other passengers, unless there are Satanists aboard (See Chapter Five – “The Devil and High Altitude”). In most cases, suggesting that the other passengers focus on the in-flight movie during the singing, preaching and flailing is all that is necessary for a trouble-free flight.

…

See Chapter Two, “Special Concerns: Faith Healers and Serpent Handlers”

Jews Traveling to Israel

This group, which has a particular appreciation for the need for security (e.g. they are most cooperative when it comes to removing their characteristic headgear when passing through security checks) is relatively easy to manage. They generally keep to themselves, they are not prone to singing, and they typically pray silently, albeit with some occasional head bobbing, which largely goes unnoticed by the other passengers.

They can, however, become somewhat difficult if their pre-ordered special meals are not aboard the aircraft. It is, therefore, important to double check that such meals have been delivered to the aircraft prior to takeoff. As a backup, we suggest that a jar of gefilte fish be kept in the galley at all times.

It is most important to treat members of this group with great deference, as many of them will be doctors and may be needed to provide emergency services during the flight.

…

See Chapter Two, “The Goyische Dilemma: ‘Are you Jewish?’ or ‘Are you a Jew?’”

Act now to receive special introductory rates for these groundbreaking sensitivity training sessions. Visit us at our website http://www.sensitivity-schmensitivity.com. Also, keep an eye out for our upcoming infomercial, which will be aired right after that Computer “Buy my Product” Guy.

I got the following message from a spammer:

“like your site ! Its very well !”

I’m all verklempt here.

Yes, it is a slow day here at the House by the Parkway. I haven’t done my morning walk for two days. Seeing as how that’s when my muse usually speaks to me, I find myself without any real content or any particular desire to strain my cruller to dream something up.

Instead, here are a few random notes and observations spawned by the goings-on of this happily lazy day:

1. Writing the Quarterly Bartending Schedule. As many of you know, I hold the dubious distinction of being the Bar Chairman for my American Legion Post. The following “perks” come with this awesome title:

(a) I get the seat at the bar closest to the television; and

(b) I get to make sure that we don’t run out of stuff; and

(c) When we are about to run out of stuff, I get to go buy it, hump it into the place and load it into the cooler or onto the shelves; and

(d) As was the case today, I get to write the quarterly bartending schedule for our bartenders, all of whom are volunteers (myself included).

While I would gladly forego my seat nearest the television in exchange for not having to do the other things, it will not happen, for it appears that my position is a lifetime appointment. It’s sort of like being a federal judge, except that I don’t get paid and I don’t get to wear a robe.

It’s OK, though, because the other “volunteer” bartenders know that theirs are also lifetime positions, which provide them with the security of knowing that they cannot be fired. The flip side is that they cannot quit, the Thirteenth Amendment be damned.

2. Gray hair. Today I spent some time watching the funeral services for President Ford, and I noticed that it seems that only men have gray hair these days, except for Barbara Bush. I wonder how much of the gross national product is made up of hair coloring products and services.

3. Setting up the New TV. One of the Christmas gifts I purchased for Mrs. Parkway is a very nice 15” flat screen television for the kitchen. I believe I could sell tickets to those prone to Schadenfreude to watch the spectacle of me trying to follow the directions to set up and program a new television, which, by the way, is pitched as being “Plug and Play”. I particularly liked the part where you have to select “video source” (or some such thing) from jumbles of letters such as IRD, SPX, HDC, AFLCIO, AA, USMC, or LSMFT, without any explanation of what any of those farookin’ things mean.

Of course, every time something didn’t seem to work exactly right, I was convinced that I am the one in a thousand people who bought a defective widget and will end up talking to someone in Calcutta. After about an hour of aggravation and bitching about the people who “write” instructions, I managed to get it programmed and working. I’m afraid I don’t have the stones to even think about hooking up a DVD player to it. – not today, anyway.

I just re-read this, and I’ve decided that I had better get my sorry ass out to walk tomorrow.

My hair hurts.

My eyeballs hurt.

If I move faster than “full stop”, everything hurts.

It couldn’t have been the chocolate vodka. I’m thinkin’ bad ice.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

To all those who found their way here over the past four years, I wish you a happy, healthy, prosperous and safe 2007.

The external anal sphincter is truly an amazing structure. Working in conjunction with the central nervous system, it can distinguish the presence of gas from liquids or solids in the distal end of the digestive system, thereby permitting the voluntary (most of the time) release (or not) of any of the foregoing states of wastage.

For example, say you’re sitting around with friends and Mr. Sphincter determines that it is dealing with the presence of gas, and you feel that you might be able to release the gas unnoticed. Accordingly, your brain instructs Mr. Sphicter to open the gate and let the gas pass.

The problem is that sometimes Mr. Sphincter gets it wrong.

Oooooooopsy!

Note: This post is dedicated to my friend, the late, great Acidman, who would have posted this in a heartbeat.

Via Curmudgeonisms and Big Dick’s Place.