Dear Diary,

I am sooooooo pissed right now, you have no idea!

After I completed my excellent answers to the Christmas Meme, I thought it would be fun to send it on to Barbra Streisand, because I thought she is really smart and would have fun answering the questions. In fact, I was waiting for a phone call from her thanking me for my thoughtfulness.

But, did I get a phone call? No! Just as I was about to sit down with a bottle of Cristal and some quality herb, I got this freakin’ fax from Babs, in which she went all, like, Jewy on me! She called me a “stupid bitch” and said that she’d like to shove the meme up my ass!

I cannot believe that Hilly and I had planned to invite her to White House parties once Hilly is elected President, with ME as her Vice-President. Hell, we even had the pork-nosed bitch on the short list to become the UN Ambassador. Well, she can damned well forget about that now.

As far as I’m concerned, ol’ Saggy Tits can kiss my traffic-stopping SPEAKER ass!

So, last night I was sitting around noodling on the computer, minding my own farookin’ business, when Eric called. After a sincere exchange of holiday greetings and pleasantries, I learned the real reason for his call when he asked, “Hey, Jimbo. Do you get Animal Planet on TV?”**

Already suspecting what might lay in store, I confessed that I do get Animal Planet, although I don’t watch it much, because every time I tune in I either see badly abused animals at the hands of human maroons, or I am treated to the spectacle of one animal killing and feasting on another animal. I understand that the latter is the way things go in nature, but I’d sooner watch something else (short of The View, that is).

Anyway, Eric suggested that I immediately switch on Animal Planet, as there was something on that might interest me.

“Damn, I’ll bet it’s about alligators, isn’t it?” Anyone who has spent any time around here knows that I think alligators are vile creatures, and I am positively scared shitless of them. My “pal” Eric surely knows that.

Eric responded that indeed it was about alligators, but he thought that the program might help me get over my paralyzing fear of the beasts. What a guy.

So, I switched it on.

Holy shit!!

The first thing I saw was one bigass alligator biting a smaller alligator in half and gulping down the torn-off half in one piece. Violent, bloody, muddy, death-filled water! How very nice.

“Wow, Jimbo. Get a load of that. Isn’t that something?”

What a swell guy.

Next, I saw the host of the program riding around in a little shitty boat in water that contained so many alligators you could walk across the water on their heads and not get your feet wet. It was a horrifying thing to behold, but it was nothing in comparison to what was next.

The suicidal kook host then stood at the edge of the pond within arm’s distance of an alligator in the water and began to tap the alligator on his snout, causing the alligator to slowly open its gigantic, terrifyingly toothed mouth and hold it open while this crazy man continued to tap on its snout. I could feel my bowels beginning to loosen.

The lunatic bastard host, while tapping with one hand, then pointed to a camera that he had mounted to his head so that he could stick his farookin’ head into the alligator’s mouth in order that we all could have a look. I was thinking ”Yo, asshole. You don’t have to do that for my benefit. In fact, please don’t!”

Well, he stuck his head in the goddamned alligator’s mouth and got his picture, at least what I could see of it through my partially covered eyes. Then, after he safely pulled his head from the beast’s mouth, the gator lunged and snapped its jaws shut, missing the crazy bastard by inches.

I was about to lose the contents of my large intestine, and Eric was enjoying every minute of it.

I thanked my “pal” for the call and wished him at least one very loose bowel movement.

What a guy.

**Interesting coincidence, as the night before I had been reading a post by Erica in which she discussed Animal Planet at some length in connection with a crazy Brooklyn Cat Lady.

Taking a cue from the famous Stage Deli in New York City, which names its sandwiches after famous people, Jimbo’s Deli is pleased to offer the following for your dining pleasure:

The Hillary
A jaw-dropping portion of thigh meat, covered with our special “Pretty-in-Pink” sauce and topped with a extra-thick slice of baloney.

The Ted Kennedy
Piles of fatty corned beef, covered with limburger cheese and served between two slices of doughy bread, and the whole thing is marinated in Chivas Regal Scotch. Special Chivas Regal dipping sauce is optional.

The John Kerry
Note: Please check with your server, as the contents of this sandwich change daily, sometimes hourly. However, the “John Kerry” is always served between two warmed over stale waffles.

The Jimmy Carter
Fresh-killed goat, Palestinian figs and chopped peanuts served on anything but Zionist Jewish rye.

The Nancy Pelosi
Special San Francisco hummus layered between two slices of multi-grain flatbread. Note: We regret that the law does not permit us to serve Speaker Pelosi’s “special seasonings”, but you are invited to bring your own. Be sure to plan on a big dessert.”

The Britney Spears
A plain taco. Tuna is optional.

Looks like Mr. Helpful is closing up shop. Damned shame, that. I met him in Jekyll. Nice guy with a great sense of humor, who has left laugh-out-loud comments on this site. I’ll miss him.

I’ll also miss Liv of not a shrinking violet, who has put her blog on hold, perhaps permanently.

Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Best of luck to them both.

It was a helluva party, if the rubble in the House by the Parkway this morning is any indication. Friends (including some of the Usual Suspects), family, food (lots of it) and drinks (lots of them). Moving slowly this morning and taking frequent breaks.

Among the great presents I received were several books, and I am looking forward .to some serious snoozing reading time with Mr. Recliner.

Hope youse guys all had a great day yesterday. I sure did.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

To all who find this place worthy of a minute or two of time, I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and hope that all your wishes come true.

Dear Diary,

I wanted to make a Christmas entry into my diary, but as the Speaker in the House of the Representatives, I have been too busy, well, speaking to even begin to think of something to write. Then, someone sent me this thing called a “meme”, and I just couldn’t resist.

Here goes!

1.Wrapping paper or gift bags? I make Rosa, my house servant, wrap the gifts, using only recycled paper. Saving the environment is very important to me. Al Gore said so.

2.Real tree or artificial? I wouldn’t think of murdering a tree. Conifericide! Bad Karma. I have a big artificial tree that I made Rosa spray paint with all sorts of psychedelic colors – sort of like Wavy Gravy’s VW bus – very groovy. The ornaments are all origami Christmas figures. A few of the republican pig dogs my republican colleagues from the House of the Representatives saw them and thought they were artistic and cute. The stupid bastards had no idea that they were made with rolling papers. ROFLMAO!!!

3.When do you put up the tree? I always tell Rosa that I want the goddamned tree put up on the day of the winter solstice. During that long night, I like to put flowers in my hair, fire up some Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young and get really screwed up on Panama Red.

4.When do you take the tree down? I make Rosa come in very early on the day after Christmas to take the tree down and clean up the puke and empty bottles before I get up. Who wants to look at that shit once Christmas is over?

5.Do you like eggnog? Oh yeah, but only if it is heavily laced with ground up shrooms. Last time I drank it, I swore I saw a bearded guy with a pregnant woman on a donkey outside my house. It was far out.

6.Favorite gift you received as a child? Tough choice. I suppose my favorite gift was a pair of panties that said “to Nancy, with love … Fabian” on them. (Ssshhhh big, boffo secret time – I didn’t take them off for a month! LOL!). My next favorite gift was a Joseph Stalin doll. I still have it.

7.Do you have a nativity scene? I’m too lazy to google “nativity”, so I’ll say “no”. LOL!!

8.Hardest person to buy for? Harry Reid. He looks like a corpse no matter what he wears.

9.Easiest person to buy for? Teddy Kennedy, hands down! I always send him two cases of Chivas and an autographed picture of my tits. He’s a rascal, that one. LOL!!

10.Mail or email Christmas cards? The people who work for me in the House of the Representatives assure me that they send out a bunch of cards with my picture on them every year (the “covered tits” version – LOL). I can’t be bothered.

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received. Back in the nineties, Bill Clinton sent me a vibrating cigar. I never mentioned it to Hilly. Damned thing stopped working after three days. LOL!!!

12.Favorite Christmas movie? Fahrenheit 911. I know it’s not exactly a Christmas movie, but that Mikey Moore is just sooooooo smart, and he reminds me of Santa Claus, except for the stupid baseball cap.

13.When do you start shopping? I shop year-round. Can’t you tell? ROFLMAO!

14.Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I am a strong believer in recycling.

15.Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? After a couple hours with the Santa bong, I’ll eat anything.

16.Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear, but after some bitchin’ egg nog (see answer to #5), they turn some awesome colors.

17.Favorite Christmas song? Damn … I know it. Give me a minute. It has the word “white” in the title. Ah, now I remember! “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane.

18.Travel at Christmas or stay home? A traditional Christmas at home, thank you very much. I have Rosa paint one cheek of my ass green and the other one red, and I walk around in my Christmas thong. It’s a gas! LOL!!

19.Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeers? Of course I can. Moe, Larry, Curly, Shemp (everyone always forgets Shemp). No, wait! Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Zeppo (everyone always forgets Zeppo). No, wait! Never mind.

20.Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. I have a beautiful replica of the piece of Gerry Garcia’s missing finger on top of my tree. It’s awesome.

21.Open the presents on Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Eve (see answer to #4).

22.Most annoying thing about this time of year? The prices of good weed and acid go through the roof.

23.Do you have Jebus in your heart this Christmas? Heart? Are you shitting me?

24.What would you like for Christmas? A water bed, a case of olive oil and Baracky!

Vol 1
Vol 2
Vol 3
Vol 4

“Billy Franks shows some Christmas love for his ‘Home away from home’ – NEW JERSEY!”

I don’t know anything about Billy Franks, but I like the tune.

This Christmas in Jersey “Song” along with its images (via a thing with feathers) is all too familiar to those of us who are Jersey Survivors.

My friend Bou tossed this Yuletide Turd into my punchbowl. I like her way too much to even consider refusing to play. So, in the off chance you are interested in reading my answers to these questions, here they are:

1.Wrapping paper or gift bags? For gifts I buy for immediate family, wrapping paper. They don’t mind that I lack the patience or skill to wrap things very well. Mrs. Parkway is, by contrast, a wrapping arteest.

2.Real tree or artificial? Years ago, real, but for the last several years a rather large (and very real looking) artificial tree. It is stored away in three sections in a large, zippered, opaque plastic bag. Each year dragging it up the cellar stairs reminds me of the scene in the Sopranos where the guys, after shooting Big Pussy Bompensiero in the cabin of a boat had to drag his dead ass in a body bag up the ladder to toss him over the side into the ocean. I’m getting too old for this shit.

3.When do you put up the tree? Usually Thanksgiving weekend, which sparks the annual “We should get a smaller tree” discussion.

4.When do you take the tree down? When it starts to get real dusty.

5.Do you like eggnog? Absolutely with a slug of rum, please.

6.Favorite gift you received as a child? It was a reel-to-reel tape recorder, back when such things were cutting edge. I recorded all sorts of goofy things. I still have some of those tapes in my basement (the tape recorder has long since been tossed). I keep promising myself to have them transferred to CDs, because, among the mindless things a pre-teen kid would put on tape, there are some tapes of my dad playing guitar and singing. The only thing is I fear that if I were to hear those portions of the tapes, I would turn into a pile of emotional jelly.

7.Do you have a nativity scene? I believe we still have the one that we had when I was a boy. I imagine it was bought piecemeal, because the big, plaster Wise Men don’t even fit in the manger, and the camel (also a bigass plaster thing) is as big as the manger itself. I suppose that’s why it remains in a box with other Christmas stuff that doesn’t get displayed.

8.Hardest person to buy for? Mrs. Parkway, but I’m pretty good at always coming up with something that works.

9.Easiest person to buy for? My friend and bodyguard, Ken. He likes all sorts of silly stuff, even things like that fish that flapped around and sang songs when you pushed a button. Problem is, we don’t exchange Christmas gifts. I do, however, like buying goofy things for his (and the Deckmistress’s) deck and I do, but not at Christmas time. (Memo to self: The pink rope light in the shape of a flamingo needs to be replaced.)

10.Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, although I think that Christmas cards should be reserved for people one doesn’t see regularly, but exceptions remain.

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Really no such thing, in my mind. Someone wanting to give me a gift means more than the gift itself.

12.Favorite Christmas movie? Hard one. Probably, “It’s a Wonderful Life”, but “A Christmas Story” is right up there.

13.When do you start shopping? For the gifts that I personally have to buy, about ten days before the big day. Of course, each year I tell myself that I won’t wait so long next year.

14.Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No way.

15.Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Mrs. Parkway’s homemade cookies. The ham, kielbasa, sauerkraut and homemade potato salad are also faves.

16.Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear and there are something like 1,500 of them on the tree. Oy!

17.Favorite Christmas song? Silver Bells. (It was my mother’s favorite Christmas song.)

18.Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stayed at home for the past thirty years. I have lots of liquor.

19.Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeers? Sure. Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy … Only kidding. I know ’em all, but I have to sing the verse of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in my head in order to recite the names.

20.Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel — the same one for as long as I can remember.

21.Open the presents on Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Morning — always.

22.Most annoying thing about this time of year? Television and radio commercials pitching gifts, truckloads of catalogs, too much traffic, crowded stores, long lines and the general hysteria that accompanies the holiday.

23.Do you have Jebus in your heart this Christmas? Each Christmas I am eternally grateful that my heart is still beating.

24.What would you like for Christmas? An oceanfront house. Know anyone who might want to give me one?

Now’s the part where I am to share the joy of the season by tagging five other people. If the following peeps come across this post, please consider yourselves invited to play. If you have better or more important things to do with your time (e.g. stringing paper clips together), taking a pass on this is quite all right.

Hoosierboy

Shoe

Craig

Dogette

Rita

I also invite anyone reading this to feel free to jump into the pool.

CITATION

David Sutherland
Rank and Organization: Colonel, United States Army.

Donald Felt
Rank and Organization: Command Sergeant Major, United States Army.

For conspicuous patience and exercise of uncommon restraint: Colonel David Sutherland and Command Sergeant Major Donald Felt distinguished themselves by standing fast and maintaining proper military decorum in the face of a furious and unrelenting Bullshit Barrage in Baqubah, Iraq on on 16 December 2006. Colonel Sutherland’s and Command Sergeant Major Felt’s extraordinary devotion to duty under the most difficult of circumstances are in keeping with the highest traditions of the military service and reflect great credit upon themselves, the First Cavalry Division and the United States Army.

via Blackfive