While the PRS Operatives are busy today chasing down boffo, MSM-scooping stories, I believe that, as the Editor-in-Chief and the Big Cheese, I will kick back and spend a bit of time with TJ and her hub. I need the break, because, frankly, the politics of the past week or so has been enough to gag a maggot.

Later.

PRS Operatives have obtained several memos indicating that that, on the heels of the SPEAKER’s rule prohibiting smoking in the hall outside floor of the House of Representatives, the SPEAKER will be announcing other changes she plans to institute in the over the coming weeks:

1. Opening Ceremonies. Each day’s session will commence with the members sitting on the floor in the front of the chamber and joining hands to sing Kumbaya. Members will be encouraged to make their own situpons and bring them to each day’s session. On Fridays, immediately following the opening song, Smores will be served.

2. Toilet Facilities. All of the men’s rooms in House, except one, will immediately be converted to ladies’ rooms. According to SPEAKER Pelosi, “Women have waited on lines long enough! Power to the Sit Pissers!”

3. Snacks. The SPEAKER stated in one memo, “The candy bar days are over. Medical science has definitively shown that eating candy bars not only harms the eater, but the exhaled second-hand chocolate gases are deleterious to those in the immediate vicinity of the candy bar eater. Inhalation of these gases result in chocolate addiction, which in turn contributes to obesity, diabetes and tooth decay.” Henceforth, only organically grown fruits and nuts will be permitted in the chamber.

4. Changes in Forms of Address. The SPEAKER has decided that she will not recognize Members to speak by referring to them as the “Gentleman from Missouri” or the “Gentle lady from Kansas”, but rather as “the Dude from Missouri” and the “Dudette from Kansas.” She stated, “It’s about time that the House of the Representatives got, like, groovy.”

Developing.

Thanks to my buddy, Gerry.

The SPEAKER has SPOKEN! It is comforting to see that her priorities are squared away.

I was at the Post on Sunday with the Usual Suspects having a couple cocktails and watching the New Jersey York Giants lose to play the Philadelphia Eagles. As you may recall, this was a game that would determine a shot at the playoffs. As such, the guys were paying close attention to the intricacies of the game, and I (at best a casual fan) found myself caught up in the game — sort of.

You see, while the other guys were focused on the strategy, tactics and the quality of the play, I could not help but focus on how often Eli Manning (the Giants’ quarterback) licked his farookin’ fingers before each play. Can I get a “EWWWWWWW”?

I think it’s safe to say that just about everyone agrees that one of the best ways to avoid becoming ill is by regularly washing one’s hands (at a minimum, always following toilet stuff and always prior to eating). Hell, even democrats and republicans can agree on that.

There’s nothing magical about the reason why washing one’s hands is effective in preventing sickness. Washing one’s hands prevents the nasties that reside on environmental surfaces from getting into our mouths by hitching a ride on our hands.

I also think that even democrats and republicans can agree that sticking one’s fingers (even washed fingers) in one’s mouth is not a particularly good idea.

During the course of the game, Eli (as part of his job) handles the football, which is also handled by dozens of other people (as part of their jobs). He also spends a fair amount of time with his hands in the dirt (he can thank his linemen for that), and he places his hands regularly between the legs of the center. I figure that by the end of the game, by licking his fingers, Eli has consumed frightening portions of other people’s sweat, spit, snot, blood, and ca-ca, not to mention, grass and dirt (including fertilizer, organic and chemical).

It probably makes no sense to try to educate Eli about the health benefits of not putting ca-ca, poo-poo fingers into one’s mouth, because despite the quantity and quality of yuck that Eli consumes every week, he appears to be the picture of good health. How’s about we tell him that if he stops licking his fingers, maybe he will throw fewer passes to the other team?

I liked this one, despite the omission of one very notable Garden Stater who happens to have great farookin’ hair.

N.B. I have not verified the Jersey bona fides of each person shown or the criteria for inclusion (e.g. Einstein was not born here), but I like it anyway and dat’s dat.

PRS has once again scooped the Mainstream Media, just as it did in February when PRS acquired a copy of the New Employee and Intern Orientation Memo that was being provided to Senator Ted Kennedy’s Staffers, and again in March when PRS Operatives gained access to Ted Kennedy’s answering machine.

Now, we have been provided with a copy of recent memo that Speaker Pelosi circulated to her office staff concerning internal office procedures.

Date: January 5, 2006

From: Speaker in the House Nancy Pelosi

To: Office Staff

Subject: Office Procedures

Since I have been elected as the SPEAKER in the House, I have become more important than I previously had been. I will be busy doing really important SPEAKER things, and lots and lots of really important people will want to Speak with me. I, therefore, think that it is important that I clearly set forth the manner in which I expect you to perform your jobs.

The following rules and procedures must be adhered to. There are no exceptions. Remember, I am the SPEAKER and this office is NOT a democracy.

1. Proper form of address. At all times, you will refer to me as “Speaker Pelosi”, or “Madam Speaker”. You can forget about that “Congresswoman Pelosi” stuff, because that is so pre-November. And, heaven help any of you who even think about referring to me as “Mrs. Pelosi”.

2. Proper form of greeting. When I enter the office for the first time each day, a staff member must say either “Good morning, Madam Speaker. You look particularly nice today”, or “Good morning Madam Speaker. You look absolutely stunning/radiant/breathtaking in that suit.” I expect that you will devise a system that ensures that each staff member is regularly given a chance to tell me how nice I look. It’s only fair.

3. Referring to members of the “other” party. When you are in the office, never refer to members of the other party as “republicans”. They must always be referred to as re-THUG-licans, Wing Nuts, Chickenhawks, Reich-publicans, War Mongers, or mouth-breathing knuckle dragging morons. I know they can’t help how really stupid they are, but we won, and it sucks to be them.

4. Beverages.
Each morning, no later than ten minutes after my arrival, I must be served a cup of freshly made Indian chai, which must be prepared with Assamese tea, and organic ginger, cardamom pods, cinnamon, and cloves.

I also expect that there will always be no less than a case of Cristal on hand, two bottles of which shall remain chilled at all times so as to permit immediate consumption, as I direct.

Under no circumstances are any staff members permitted to drink the aforementioned Indian chai or Cristal. You are permitted to drink the non-alcoholic beverage of your choice, provided that: (a) you bring it from home, (b) it is organic, and (c) your choice of cup does not displease me.

5. Permissible Music. The only music that is permitted to be played in the office are songs by the following artists: Jefferson Airplane, Grateful Dead, Donovan, Pete Seeger and Joan Baez. Wearing those i-Pod things in your ears so you can listen to different music is absolutely forbidden. If you don’t like Gracie Slick, you damned well can’t work here!

6. Handling Mail
(a) Mail from Constituents: Don’t bother me with that crap! That’s why I have you working here!

(b) Mail from other Members in the House or in the House of the Senate: Unless it is from Senator Clinton, or Senator Obama, in which case, I want it immediately delivered to me unopened, don’t bother me with that crap either!

(c) Other Mail: My Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogs are to be wrapped in brown paper and immediately brought to my private office. Botox literature is to be handled in the same fashion.

7. Chuck Schumer. Ever since November, that dreadful man has been following me around like a dog in heat. Under no circumstances is he to be admitted to my private office.

If you have any questions about these rules and procedures, they better be good, because I am the SPEAKER, and I do not have time to waste on the likes of you.

I was outside this morning in a tee shirt and shorts taking down the Christmas lights. At one point, the sun was uncomfortably warm. The thermometer on my deck registered 72 degrees. I’ve endured countless bone-chilling Jersey winters, and this just ain’t right.

I never thought I would say this, but I could use a bit of cold weather, thank you.

Dear Ms. Sheehan:

We caught your little act during our party’s press conference two days ago, and we are not amused.

Three words: Cut the shit.

Remember, we made you, and we can break you. In that regard, I have been informed by Mr. Soros that he will no longer be sending you checks and that he has stopped payment on those checks currently in your possession. We hope you have bus fare home.

Two more words: Vince Foster

Hoping you’re paying attention,

/s/ Howard Dean