We are so screwed.

It was not without a generous helping of chagrin that the management of PRS learned that the Transportation Security Administration has provided 45,000 of its security officers with sensitivity training in order that they can be better equipped to deal with Islamic travelers in general and those expected to travel in increased numbers to Saudi Arabia to make the hajj, the religious pilgrimage.

We remain somewhat puzzled as to why those making the hajj cannot be expected to comport themselves in airports and on aircraft as any other travelers. However; we are capitalists to the core, and, as such, we sense a huge sensitivity training business opportunity here. First, we expect that it will not be long before the airlines themselves mandate such training for their employees and, second, we expect that other groups of travelers will also demand that airline employees be given sensitivity training to assure that their groups’ customs and habits are understood and accommodated by the airlines.

With that, we at PRS Headquarters (A division of JimboCo Enterprises), through our wholly owned subsidiary, PRS Consulting, Inc., are offering cutting edge sensitivity training to airline employees in a user-friendly CD Rom format, which comes with fully illustrated textual material. All our sensitivity training is performed by Certified Sensitivity Trainers. (Certified by Sensitivity R Us, P.O. Box 1432 Hackensack, NJ)

Here are excerpts from the Training Material that we at PRS have developed this far:

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Coping with Irishmen Traveling to St. Patrick’s Day Celebrations

Airline employees should be aware that many of the St. Patrick’s Day Celebrants will begin the celebration process before arriving at the airport and will continue while waiting for the flight to depart. Employees are encouraged to be patient with this group of travelers if they seem have some difficulty walking or speaking clearly.

Once aboard the aircraft, the Celebrants will likely continue the celebration process and will often, at some point during the flight, break into song. We recommend that they be seated together so as to cause minimal annoyance to the other passengers on the aircraft when this occurs.

It is also extremely important to be prepared for some fisticuffs between and among the Celebrants. Be observant for the behaviors that often signal an impending pugilistic encounter, such as loud discussions of soccer or phrases such as, “That’s me sainted mother yer talkin’ about, Paddy!” If a ritual brawl does break out, please assure the other passengers that such contests are confined to members of the group of Celebrants and that collateral damage is not usually a problem.

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See Chapter Two: “Managing the Blood and Vomit”

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Catholics Traveling to the Vatican

Our research has shown that members of this group, often identifiable by virtue of their custom of wearing crosses of various sizes, are often prone to speaking loudly in Latin aboard the aircraft. If they are traveling in a group, they may assemble somewhere in the aircraft to sing Gregorian Chants. Assure the other passengers that these activities are harmless and that, chances are, those speaking in Latin really don’t even know what they are saying. Also consider urging the passengers to enjoy the Gregorian Chants, or in the alternative, to turn up their individual headsets on the heavy metal channel.

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See Chapter Two, “Managing Attempts to Organize In-Flight Bingo”

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Evangelicals Traveling to Revival Meetings

If it weren’t for many of their number carrying Bibles, this would be a difficult group to spot, for its members are very normal in appearance. Once on the aircraft, they may insist on singing hymns and preaching to the other passengers. In more extreme cases, some may flail about while speaking in tongues. It is best to ask in advance if anyone will be speaking in tongues so that he or she can be provided with sufficient flailing room.

Like the Catholics, the Evangelicals pose no danger to other passengers, unless there are Satanists aboard (See Chapter Five – “The Devil and High Altitude”). In most cases, suggesting that the other passengers focus on the in-flight movie during the singing, preaching and flailing is all that is necessary for a trouble-free flight.

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See Chapter Two, “Special Concerns: Faith Healers and Serpent Handlers”

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Jews Traveling to Israel

This group, which has a particular appreciation for the need for security (e.g. they are most cooperative when it comes to removing their characteristic headgear when passing through security checks) is relatively easy to manage. They generally keep to themselves, they are not prone to singing, and they typically pray silently, albeit with some occasional head bobbing, which largely goes unnoticed by the other passengers.

They can, however, become somewhat difficult if their pre-ordered special meals are not aboard the aircraft. It is, therefore, important to double check that such meals have been delivered to the aircraft prior to takeoff. As a backup, we suggest that a jar of gefilte fish be kept in the galley at all times.

It is most important to treat members of this group with great deference, as many of them will be doctors and may be needed to provide emergency services during the flight.

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See Chapter Two, “The Goyische Dilemma: ‘Are you Jewish?’ or ‘Are you a Jew?’”

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Act now to receive special introductory rates for these groundbreaking sensitivity training sessions. Visit us at our website http://www.sensitivity-schmensitivity.com. Also, keep an eye out for our upcoming infomercial, which will be aired right after that Computer “Buy my Product” Guy.

I got the following message from a spammer:

“like your site ! Its very well !”

I’m all verklempt here.

Yes, it is a slow day here at the House by the Parkway. I haven’t done my morning walk for two days. Seeing as how that’s when my muse usually speaks to me, I find myself without any real content or any particular desire to strain my cruller to dream something up.

Instead, here are a few random notes and observations spawned by the goings-on of this happily lazy day:

1. Writing the Quarterly Bartending Schedule. As many of you know, I hold the dubious distinction of being the Bar Chairman for my American Legion Post. The following “perks” come with this awesome title:

(a) I get the seat at the bar closest to the television; and

(b) I get to make sure that we don’t run out of stuff; and

(c) When we are about to run out of stuff, I get to go buy it, hump it into the place and load it into the cooler or onto the shelves; and

(d) As was the case today, I get to write the quarterly bartending schedule for our bartenders, all of whom are volunteers (myself included).

While I would gladly forego my seat nearest the television in exchange for not having to do the other things, it will not happen, for it appears that my position is a lifetime appointment. It’s sort of like being a federal judge, except that I don’t get paid and I don’t get to wear a robe.

It’s OK, though, because the other “volunteer” bartenders know that theirs are also lifetime positions, which provide them with the security of knowing that they cannot be fired. The flip side is that they cannot quit, the Thirteenth Amendment be damned.

2. Gray hair. Today I spent some time watching the funeral services for President Ford, and I noticed that it seems that only men have gray hair these days, except for Barbara Bush. I wonder how much of the gross national product is made up of hair coloring products and services.

3. Setting up the New TV. One of the Christmas gifts I purchased for Mrs. Parkway is a very nice 15” flat screen television for the kitchen. I believe I could sell tickets to those prone to Schadenfreude to watch the spectacle of me trying to follow the directions to set up and program a new television, which, by the way, is pitched as being “Plug and Play”. I particularly liked the part where you have to select “video source” (or some such thing) from jumbles of letters such as IRD, SPX, HDC, AFLCIO, AA, USMC, or LSMFT, without any explanation of what any of those farookin’ things mean.

Of course, every time something didn’t seem to work exactly right, I was convinced that I am the one in a thousand people who bought a defective widget and will end up talking to someone in Calcutta. After about an hour of aggravation and bitching about the people who “write” instructions, I managed to get it programmed and working. I’m afraid I don’t have the stones to even think about hooking up a DVD player to it. – not today, anyway.

I just re-read this, and I’ve decided that I had better get my sorry ass out to walk tomorrow.

My hair hurts.

My eyeballs hurt.

If I move faster than “full stop”, everything hurts.

It couldn’t have been the chocolate vodka. I’m thinkin’ bad ice.