OMFG! What a totally awesome week, but I sure broke my award-winning SPEAKER ass getting important things done! Iâ€™m glad I found some time, a bottle of Cristal and a bit of decent herb so I can unwind and commit this important stuff to paper for future historians.
Being really smart and the SPEAKER in the House, I know that something has to be done about Mr. Stooooooopidâ€™s war. He obviously has no idea what he is doing, and neither does that General Petrooney (or whatever his name is). â€œSurge?â€ Sounds to me like the shit Rosa uses to wash my underwear.
Anyway, everybody knows that President McHitlerburtonchimpymissionaccomplishedrunkcollegefratboydrugaddledmoron is a fascist dooofus and that General Petrooney (or whatever his name is) is just another one of those awful military â€œyessirâ€ stooges who dresses himself up like a goddamned Christmas tree. (OMG, is this some great weed, or what?) Anyway, I figure that itâ€™s time I put an end to this war. It needâ€™s a brilliant womanâ€™s touch.
So, a couple of us got together and drafted this totally awesome funding bill. (Memo to self: That guy Obey is a frigginâ€™ weirdo. During our meetings, he never once looked at my ass. Heâ€™ll pay for that.) Anyhooooo, we put together this totally awesome bill that contains (what the hell did the lawyers call them?) — benchmarks! Yeah, thatâ€™s it â€“ benchmarks. If the Iraqis donâ€™t meet the benchmarks, WHAMMO, no more money! War over! Snap City!
I wanted to make one of the benchmarks that everyone in the Iraqi Army had to be able to recite all the lyrics to all Joan Baezâ€™s songs in three months, but Jack Murtha said that the American people would realize what we were up to and, besides, he prefers Pete Seeger. He said I shouldnâ€™t worry about the benchmarks though, because the Iraqis will never meet them, because they are fundamentally expendable douchebags. Jack really knows about this stuff.
Sooooo, I bring this totally awesome bill to the Democratic Caucus, and I find out that some of members donâ€™t want to sign it!! WTF??? Several of them said shit like, â€œI donâ€™t give a shit about the war (but I support the troops), but whatâ€™s in this bill for me?â€
I decided that Iâ€™d have to wait to deal with these disloyal pricks in the future, because I had some history to make here.
Good goddamned thing Iâ€™m the SPEAKER in the House and that I have a fantastic ass, because I was able to persuade just about all of them to sign on.
The easy part was the money. I just told our guys to pony up a shitload of money for stuff like spinach, peanuts, oysters and Christ knows what else. Nooooo problem. Itâ€™s just money.
But, there were still some holdouts who claimed that they donâ€™t â€œdoâ€ spinach, peanuts, or oysters. Hereâ€™s what I had to promise these sons-a-bitches.
Do you believe it, Dear Diary? Jack Murtha gave me a hard time in the end. I guess he knew I really needed his support, the brilliant guy that he is. I had to promise him that he could actually touch my cootchie! (Excuse me, but eeeewwwww). After all, weâ€™re talking about the Pelosi Cootchie here, an Historic Coochie, goddammit! But, I said OK, because the good news is that by next week Murtha will have forgotten everything.
The Jersey Delegation was a royal pain in the ass too. One of them said, â€œYo! Frigginâ€™ peanuts? Are you frigginâ€™ kiddinâ€™ me? Do I look like Jimmy Carter here?â€) The negotiations were rough. First, they wanted me to â€œdressâ€ up like one of the Bada Bing! Dancers and do a pole dance for the next meeting of the Jersey Caucus. I agreed with that, because I do have a show-stopping ass and great tits, but was that enough? Nooooooo!! They also wanted me to service them like the Bada Bing! Girls service Tony and crew. I declined, but if I thought the bill was absolutely veto proof, I would have agreed.
We finally agreed that I would dress up like Carmela Soprano (I think Iâ€™d be an ass-kicking blonde), and at the next Caucus they could all wear ginny tees and say shit like, â€œYo, Carm! Da frigginâ€™ pastaâ€™s cold!â€) Those Jersey guys are a hoot! LOL.
The New York Delegation was easier. All I had to do to get their votes was to promise to dress up like a schoolgirl â€“ you know, pigtails, white blouse, short plaid skirt, anklets and patent leather shoes? No problemo. Iâ€™ve already got a few of those outfits (Ted Kennedy likes them). Of course, they insisted that I donâ€™t wear any panties. Iâ€™m OK with that, because of my fantastic ass and all.
OMG, being the SPEAKER in the House is totally awesome. I get to make goddamned history, and itâ€™s totally goddamned awesome.