OMFG! What a totally awesome week, but I sure broke my award-winning SPEAKER ass getting important things done! I’m glad I found some time, a bottle of Cristal and a bit of decent herb so I can unwind and commit this important stuff to paper for future historians.
Being really smart and the SPEAKER in the House, I know that something has to be done about Mr. Stooooooopid’s war. He obviously has no idea what he is doing, and neither does that General Petrooney (or whatever his name is). “Surge?” Sounds to me like the shit Rosa uses to wash my underwear.
Anyway, everybody knows that President McHitlerburtonchimpymissionaccomplishedrunkcollegefratboydrugaddledmoron is a fascist dooofus and that General Petrooney (or whatever his name is) is just another one of those awful military “yessir” stooges who dresses himself up like a goddamned Christmas tree. (OMG, is this some great weed, or what?) Anyway, I figure that it’s time I put an end to this war. It need’s a brilliant woman’s touch.
So, a couple of us got together and drafted this totally awesome funding bill. (Memo to self: That guy Obey is a friggin’ weirdo. During our meetings, he never once looked at my ass. He’ll pay for that.) Anyhooooo, we put together this totally awesome bill that contains (what the hell did the lawyers call them?) — benchmarks! Yeah, that’s it – benchmarks. If the Iraqis don’t meet the benchmarks, WHAMMO, no more money! War over! Snap City!
I wanted to make one of the benchmarks that everyone in the Iraqi Army had to be able to recite all the lyrics to all Joan Baez’s songs in three months, but Jack Murtha said that the American people would realize what we were up to and, besides, he prefers Pete Seeger. He said I shouldn’t worry about the benchmarks though, because the Iraqis will never meet them, because they are fundamentally expendable douchebags. Jack really knows about this stuff.
Sooooo, I bring this totally awesome bill to the Democratic Caucus, and I find out that some of members don’t want to sign it!! WTF??? Several of them said shit like, “I don’t give a shit about the war (but I support the troops), but what’s in this bill for me?”
I decided that I’d have to wait to deal with these disloyal pricks in the future, because I had some history to make here.
Good goddamned thing I’m the SPEAKER in the House and that I have a fantastic ass, because I was able to persuade just about all of them to sign on.
The easy part was the money. I just told our guys to pony up a shitload of money for stuff like spinach, peanuts, oysters and Christ knows what else. Nooooo problem. It’s just money.
But, there were still some holdouts who claimed that they don’t “do” spinach, peanuts, or oysters. Here’s what I had to promise these sons-a-bitches.
Do you believe it, Dear Diary? Jack Murtha gave me a hard time in the end. I guess he knew I really needed his support, the brilliant guy that he is. I had to promise him that he could actually touch my cootchie! (Excuse me, but eeeewwwww). After all, we’re talking about the Pelosi Cootchie here, an Historic Coochie, goddammit! But, I said OK, because the good news is that by next week Murtha will have forgotten everything.
The Jersey Delegation was a royal pain in the ass too. One of them said, “Yo! Friggin’ peanuts? Are you friggin’ kiddin’ me? Do I look like Jimmy Carter here?”) The negotiations were rough. First, they wanted me to “dress” up like one of the Bada Bing! Dancers and do a pole dance for the next meeting of the Jersey Caucus. I agreed with that, because I do have a show-stopping ass and great tits, but was that enough? Nooooooo!! They also wanted me to service them like the Bada Bing! Girls service Tony and crew. I declined, but if I thought the bill was absolutely veto proof, I would have agreed.
We finally agreed that I would dress up like Carmela Soprano (I think I’d be an ass-kicking blonde), and at the next Caucus they could all wear ginny tees and say shit like, “Yo, Carm! Da friggin’ pasta’s cold!”) Those Jersey guys are a hoot! LOL.
The New York Delegation was easier. All I had to do to get their votes was to promise to dress up like a schoolgirl – you know, pigtails, white blouse, short plaid skirt, anklets and patent leather shoes? No problemo. I’ve already got a few of those outfits (Ted Kennedy likes them). Of course, they insisted that I don’t wear any panties. I’m OK with that, because of my fantastic ass and all.
OMG, being the SPEAKER in the House is totally awesome. I get to make goddamned history, and it’s totally goddamned awesome.