Boom!

I wish I would have written this.

I saw this on my recent trip to the Left Coast. The cell phone photo is not very good, but I couldn’t resist taking the picture.

The sign reads:

FREE SPEECH BOOTH
Solicitation of Funds may Occur

Presumably this is the place where conservatives are sent to talk amongst themselves.

That’s what these two businessmen thought when they committed the terms of their rather complex business arrangement to a two-page, handwritten contract and each signed it. Their homegrown contract, written on notebook paper, provided that they would “complete formal contracts as soon as possible, but this is binding.”

Six months later, things went sour and no “formal contracts” were in place. Seven years’ worth of litigation (including two trials) later, the court upheld the validity of the contract and the jury awarded the plaintiff $10.5 million.

Free Legal Advice Department — A few lessons here about contracts:

1. Spending a little time with a lawyer up front can prevent you from spending lots and lots of time with lots and lots of lawyers down the road, if things go badly.

2. Things go badly much more often than you might think.

3. Some things that look like contracts are not contracts, but some things that don’t look much like contracts very well might be contracts.

4. Words matter.

5. Be careful what you sign.

You’re welcome.

In fact, this is not even MY CAT.

But he still shows up at least twice per day looking for the gourmet cat food that Mrs. Parkway serves up. Here is a photo of ol’ Junior taken one morning a few weeks ago during his post-prandial nap, presumably after having spent a rough night at being … well … a Tom Cat.

It’s not a particularly flattering photo, but it’s fair to say that none of us would be very photogenic while in stage-four sleep after a big meal and a night of Christ knows what.

Note: All indications are that the WordPress 2.5 image issue was solved by using a fix recommended in the WP Forum for IE users. There is no need to tell you that somebody else was kind enough to execute the fix. Now, I just have to learn to work the application.

Oh, they just couldn’t wait to e-mail me the story, or blog it and link to me. First across the finish line with an e-mail about the story was Shamrocketship, then came Montana Dave’s e-mail about the story, both of whom were hoping to be the first to send me the story. They were followed by a clutch of sadistic readers, who e-mailed me the story, obviously thinking that a day without loosening ol’ Jimbo’s bowels is like a day without sunshine. This morning I see that my pal over at Compass Points is blogging the story and asking me about my next trip to Florida.

So what’s the story?

As you may well have guessed before clicking the link, the story involves an alligator. No, not just your run-of-the-mill story about an alligator strutting his ugly ass down the street or wandering around in a parking lot. This one involves a woman who walked into her kitchen only to be confronted by an eight foot alligator in her kitchen. That’s right. In her farookin’ KITCHEN! WTF?

Even as mellow as Florida Peeps claim to be about alligators, this woman was a bit rattled when she called the cops (audio here), particularly when the police operator asked, “How long is it? … Are you sure it couldn’t be an iguana?” A freakin’ iguana?

Video of the capture of this prehistoric monster is here.

If I walked into my kitchen and was confronted with an eight-foot alligator, my intestines would instantly empty and I might well have “the big one.” I sure as shit would wind up in therapy. Yo, IT WAS IN THE FAROOKIN’ KITCHEN!

You FINKS know damned well that I will be in Florida next month, so you obviously take particular joy in stories like this at this time of the year.

Sadistic bastards.

I love the planet, and I go out of my way not to shit the place up. Still, when it comes to Algore and his Hollywood version of science, I remain a steadfast Denier. The reasons are legion, but here are a couple, seeing as how it’s Oit Day and all.

Algore says that manmade CO2 is responsible for global warming. As proof of this, his bullshit propaganda film movie shows dramatic images of the ice cap falling away in massive chunks.

For openers, CO2 continues to rise, while temperatures continue to fall. Definitely, an inconvenient truth, that. In addition, it turns out that 90% of the ice on the planet is in Antarctica, and the ice in Antarctica is thickening, rather than falling away in giant chunks. Speaking of the ice cap falling away in giant chunks, the dramatic images in Al’s movie purporting to show that were computer generated images. Yet another inconvenient truth.

I respect the earth, but Algore and his media/Hollywood minions can kiss my ass.

Happy Oit Day.

It was an excellent party, although it is difficult to imagine all the Usual Suspects being in one place at the same time and it not being an excellent party.

Before the party commenced, we were pleased to see that Pastakeith (see comment to the previous post) would be presiding over the nuptial ceremony. Pastakeith is, in real life, Pastor Keith, the son-in-law of two of the Usual Suspects, the “Original Bill” and Sinister Linda. The service was, as usual, enjoyable and meaningful. Keith manages to bring things like Seinfeld episodes into the service and elegantly tie them into the seriousness of the proceedings.

He drove four hours to do the honors and only had time to stay for the cocktail hour (I didn’t check his glass), before he and his bride (Nancy with the Big Smile) had to pack their three boys into the family car for the four-hour trip back home so Keith would be able to perform his regular services at his church on Sunday. He’s a real Mensch.

After much adult beverage consumption, dancing and hell raising, the reception ended, but the party didn’t end. We headed to the nearby hotel where the wedding party and out-of-town guests were staying and where the bride’s parents (Captain Arthur and the “Good Sister”) had set up a hospitality room stocked with (you guessed it) more adult beverages. We hung for just two (honest) and then headed for home. After all, we had to be in shape for the “breakfast” that was to follow in about nine hours.

The breakfast, hosted by Ken, the Bodyguard and the Deckmistress was a veritable feast, which, of course, included among a zillion things, scrambled eggs and Taylor Ham – a genuine Jersey breakfast. Not surprisingly, I was in charge of the bar. The featured drinks of the day were Bloody Marys and Mimosas. We went through Costco Quantities of V-8 (the mixer of choice for excellent Bloody Marys) and orange juice, which should give you some idea of the amount of vodka and champagne that was consumed.

After a while, out came the guitars. The groom (another Kearny Guy and the newest of the Usual Suspects) had spent a half-dozen years playing in saloons in a band based in Athens, Georgia, so pickin’ with him was a rare treat. I must say that I missed the younger half (by a few goddamned days) of the Elderly Brothers, particularly when I played Runaway. The instrumental break just wasn’t the same.

The “breakfast” broke up somewhere around 8 PM.

It was a great party.

Yes, peeps. Today marks the day that the offspring (in this case, a daughter) of two of the Usual Suspects (Captain Arthur and the “Good Sister”) is getting married. This, of course, means that all the Usual Suspects will all be at one place at the same time. Perhaps we should hire security.

In any event, it promises to be quite the shindig, fueled by an adult beverage or two.

But, wait! There’s more!

The day after the most recent marriage of a Usual Suspects’ offspring (in that case a son), the aunt and uncle of the groom (the “Good Sister” and Captain Arthur) hosted a “breakfast” in honor of the lucky couple. I put the word “breakfast” in quotes, because that it was it was supposed to be. The plan was that we would all gather for a nice breakfast spread and maybe even enjoy a Bloody Mary or a Mimosa and then go home to take it easy. However, in true Usual Suspects fashion, the “breakfast” lasted damned near twelve hours, with a couple gallons of vodka and damned near a case of champagne having been consumed.

So, not surprisingly, after raising hell tonight, we will all gather tomorrow at the home of Ken, my bodyguard, and the Deckmistress (the uncle and aunt of the bride) for yet another “breakfast.” This one may even involve some guitar pickin’. (The groom plays.)

You may not hear from me for a few days.

It’s certainly no secret that I have been having a hard time posting images using WordPress, version 2.5, which difficulty has spawned a thought or two about the issue.

First, let me say that everything I don’t know about information technology would overflow the Grand Canyon. Let me also say that I am amazed at the peeps who are deep into geekery, to the point of producing things like WordPress or similar computer stuff. To me, it borders on magic.

Having said that, I often wonder about the width of intellectual/technical divide between the Å°bergeeks of the World and the rest of us. This massive divide (at least from my perspective) has existed for many years, but it has become obvious only in the last two decades or so. Consider that during the sixties it was the Å°bergeeks who figured out much of the stuff that sent us into outer space and ultimately to the moon. We non-geeks just shook our heads in amazement. It was stupendous stuff, but it was beyond our everyday experience.

Then, along came the personal computer. Once the Űbergeeks made using a computer something that the average schmo might be able to do, the Űbergeeks’ numbers increased dramatically, but not nearly as much as the number of peeps buying computers and hoping to actually be able to use them.

Given that this is not intended to be a history of home computing, suffice it to say that there are a gazillion Å°bergeeks out there, but ten times as many non-geeks flailing away at keyboards, doing everything from playing solitaire to, yes, blogging, which brings me full circle to my problems with WordPress 2.5.

As I understand it (and I could be cosmically wrong), the collective that creates things like WordPress is a loosely associated (if formally associated at all) group of Å°bergeeks who produce truly amazing computer stuff, perhaps just for the hell of it.

I have been told that before these cyber- mavins unleash a new version of software on the non-geeks, they put it “out there” for Beta testing, Beta testing, being the vehicle used to uncover where the software’s problems may lie – sort of like a ship’s shakedown cruise.

I cannot help but wonder if, perhaps because of the great divide between Űbergeeks and the rest of us, the Űbergeeks choose as Beta testers other Űbergeeks, and after the Beta testing is done, they sit around, drink Mountain Dew and speak Geekish to one another about the complex stuff “under the hood,” as it were. You know what I mean: the kinds of esoteric things that one reads on computer forums, which are utterly unintelligible to anyone but the Űbergeeks. This is no doubt an important part of the software development process, but, it must be remembered that in the case of the WordPress (and similar software), the Űbergeeks are developing software for Joe Blow’s use.

Now, specifically with respect to blogging software, it is more than fair to assume that Joe Blow is a lesson or three beyond the “Intro to Your New Computer” or “Learning to Click and Drag” courses offered at places like adult schools.

My question, rhetorical though it may be, is, “Are the Joe Blows of the World included among the Beta testers of blogging software in general and WordPress 2.5 in particular?” Sadly, I suspect not, because if they were, there is no way that WordPress 2.5 would have been released.

I know, I know. You’re thinking, Yo, Jimbo. You’re a techno-doofus; you’ve said so yourself many times. Maybe you just haven’t figured out how to use the farookin’ software. Jeez!” Maybe so, but I’m probably technically more representative of the average blogger than not, and including the techno-doofuses (i.e. Joe Blows of the World) as Beta testers might have suggested to the developers either that WordPress version 2.5 wasn’t working right, or that it was working fine, but that some instructions (gasp!) might be a good idea. Instructions? Who knew?

I appreciate that using the Joe Blows of the world as Beta testers will be tedious for the Űbergeeks, as they would have to endure listening to non-geeks using English to try to explain to Űbergeeks problems that would best be described in Geekish. Still, Joe Blow Beta testers might well prevent a truckload of computers from being assaulted by users who just can’t seem to figure shit out.

In closing, I am hereby volunteering to step to the plate and serve as a Joe Blow Beta tester for the next WordPress version, assuming, of course, that the WordPress Å°bergeeks give two fiddlers’ shits about what we Joe Blows think.