EMPTY SPACE

The empty space above was supposed to contain an image, about which I had planned to say a word or two.

Maybe it’s me.

I’m off to spend the remainder of the evening with Mr. Recliner. I’ll think about this tomorrow.

My friend and most esteemed blogger, Elisson, has entrusted me and several other reprobates bloggers with a set of keys to his blog while he and his most excellent daughter leave their indelible marks on the nation of Japan. I left tonight’s handiwork over at his place.

In an effort to profit from the increasing public interest in the 2008 presidential elections, some of the major automobile manufacturers have launched interesting new models. PRS’s automotive correspondents checked out the varied offerings and have filed the following reports:

THE OBAMA
Long and streamlined in appearance, the Obama marks a departure from the body styles that younger people have sometimes described as being too boxy. It is available in a cafe au lait tan or in two-tone black and white. Either color scheme harmonizes very well with the Kremlin-red interior.

We were impressed with the smooth sound of the engine and the car’s ability to accelerate quickly, but once we got under the hood, it was obvious that the Obama’s power train is barely more than a prototype. With anything resembling sustained running, the engine was prone to backfiring and stalling.

Perhaps the most curious aspect of the Obama’s performance is that it appears to run better on the left side of the road, and it only makes left turns. We predict that this will pose a significant marketing challenge in the United States.

THE MCCAIN
In a bold move, the designers of the McCain decided go retro. It is fair to say that the McCain looks more like a 1968 Chevrolet Impala than anything Detroit or Japan has produced in decades. It is available only in Navy Blue with an imported lettuce-green interior.

Those fans of sixties muscle vehicles who were hoping to see a car with a hard-charging, high-powered V8 engine will be disappointed to learn that the McCain is powered by a six-cylinder engine that is built for durability rather than power or speed.

The McCain handles best when driven close to the center of the roadway and has a troublesome tendency to veer to the left far too often; and it steers to the right only with great difficulty.

THE HILLARY
In contrast to the sleek appearance of the Obama and the somewhat daring, retro look of the McCain, the Hillary is unimpressive in appearance. We didn’t think it was possible for an automobile to appear quite so stale, uninteresting and downright frumpy looking. Its oversized balloon tires contribute significantly to its distinctive lack of curb appeal. Notably, the availability of various pastel exteriors and interiors cannot overcome the car’s basic design flaws.

Aside from its appearance, particularly annoying is the screeching sound made by the engine at higher RPMs. Perhaps the vehicle’s most disturbing shortcoming is that the dashboard gauges never provide accurate readings, leaving the driver with no way of knowing what is going on with the car’s engine at any given moment.

When questioned about some of the perceived problems with the Hillary, its chief designer became somewhat testy. He wagged his finger and stated, “Listen to me. You can say anything you like about the Hillary, but understand one thing. This bitch is damned near indestructible, and she’s built to be unstoppable.”

Update: In the comments to this post, Maggie45 calls our attention to a real Hillary Car, which is cruising around in Pennsylvania at the moment, presumably visiting towns populated by the bitter folks.

I just wrote out my income tax check payable to the order of the U.S. Treasury. I would like to take this opportunity to say:

To all of you who pay no tax and get lots of free stuff from the government; and

To all of you are here illegally and get lots of free stuff from the government; and

To all of you who get paid “under the table” and pay a fraction of the taxes you should be paying according to law (as screwed up as that is); and

To all of you who bought houses you should have damned well known you couldn’t afford; and

To all of you who are getting “stimulus” checks from the U.S. Treasury; and

To all of you who are getting New Jersey property tax rebate checks; and

To all of you who have been on the receiving end of congressional PORK; and

To all those shithead politicians who earned your votes by giving you truckloads of congressional PORK; and

To that insufferable prick Matthew Lesko; and

To all of you who bought that insufferable prick’s books,

YOU’RE WELCOME.

And, to all of you who counted on my voluntary donations, as you have in past years, I apologize that they may be somewhat smaller this year, because the government knows best where my money should go.

Mary Madigan of Exit Zero describes the goings-on at a conference sponsored by New York University, entitled, “Academic Freedom in the Age of Permanent Warfare.” The title of the conference is just a teensy bit suggestive of its content and caused me to wonder just who the enemies of academic freedom might be.

Mary reports that the keynote speaker answered that question when he identified the enemies of academic freedom to “include the ‘rabid right’ and/or ‘Republicans, conservatives, the elderly, and the uneducated.’”

Sounds like a real fun guy.

Read the whole thing, all the way to the end. The final sentence is priceless.

1. Yesterday’s Accident Number 1: I cut my right thumb and index finger opening a bottle of vodka. It was a fancy-schmancy bottle with which I was gifted. (psssst…French). I bled like a farookin’ pig, which, or course, required a couple band-aids and an extra vodka.

2. Yesterday’s Accident Number 2: I smacked my head into the garage door while it was in the process of opening. Usually I open the garage door by pushing the button on the widget in the house and walking out to the garage. This time I forgot to push the in-house widget button, but instead used the keypad near the garage door itself to open the door. Obviously, my internal clock was still thinking in-house widget. And, you wonder why I will never, ever operate a chainsaw? No injuries beyond an “Ouch, Goddammit!” but it did mess up my hair. Believe it or not, Accident Number 1 had nothing to do with Accident Number 2. Really.

3. American Stupid: I saw enough of American Stupid Idol the other night to see the white guy who needs a shave get booted off the island after all the silly emotion-building “right after this break” bullshit. The audience was absolutely crestfallen. We’re farookin’ doomed.

4. Read this shit and tell me why we shouldn’t kick the U.N. out of this country. (h/t Wiseass Jooette)

5. Would you rather drink a gallon of gorilla piss or fly across the country? Close call. More later.

6. I saw an advertisement for an upcoming “reality” show (History Channel? Discovery Channel? Can’t remember), which apparently follows exterminators around while they kill zillions of roaches, rats and other nasty shit. Yo, Peeps! TURN. OFF. THE. TUBE. READ. A. GODDAMNED. BOOK.

7. Some of you Peeps have way too much moving-around shite in your sidebars, causing your page to take too goddamned long to load. That’s my non-geekazoid opinion, anyway.

8. I gather that the “March Madness” thing is over, and I totally missed it. I figure it’s like totally missing the flu.

9. Looks like I’m crapping out before I hit number 10. It’s been a rough week.

Yes, Peeps, I made it back from the Land of the Never-Ending Protest.

I have a story or two to tell, but, unfortunately, fatigue and Making-a-Living 101 have prevented me from properly collecting my thoughts.

In the meantime …………

IMAGINE A HUMOROUS/INTERESTING IMAGE HERE.

IMAGINE HUMOROUS/INTERESTING/PITHY/WITTY/SARCASTIC COMMENTARY HERE.

Seeing as how, the humorous/interesting/pithy/witty/sarcastic commentary won’t mean anything without the image, you’ll have to wait until I get the WordPress 2.5 image thing sorted out. Great minds (obviously, mine is not one of them) are working on this cyber-speed bump.

Making-A-Living 101 requires that I head off to the Left Coast for three days.

Tawk amongst yourselves, but play nice.

The day started fairly early, packing in some morning errands before taking the Big, Fat, Black, Capitalist Car (BFBCC) to Ken’s (my friend and bodyguard) house, where I would turn over the keys to him for the duration. There were various pre-planned phone calls, which would enable us to meet Teresa (coming in from Massachusetts) and the Wiseass Jooette upon their arrival at Penn Station in beautiful downtown Newark. They met up, as planned, in New York’s Penn Station and trained into Jersey.

After a quick tour of the Ironbound Section of Newark with a side trip (no extra charge) to Kearny (my stompin’ grounds as a yoot) for a look-see (a bargain at twice the price), we aimed the BFBCC toward Princeton, which permitted our guest travelers to behold New Jersey’s tank farms on the Turnpike (What’s not to like?).

We arrived at the hotel, met up with Gregor and, within ten minutes, we all assembled at the hotel bar, where, as I previously noted, they stocked Three Olives Chocolate Vodka. Ken’s son stopped by to welcome us to Princeton and to share a pint or two. He also shot pool with Erica, who travels with a special pool glove (talk about dooshbags). I suspect she lost, even with the glove, because, had she won, the entire place would have heard about it.

At the appointed time, we piled into the BFCC for the short trip to the Triumph Brewery for the shindig. I must have already been pretty limber, because I programmed Mr. Tom Tom to lead us back to the hotel, for which I graciously accepted the ration of shit heaped on me by the vehicle’s occupants.

Upon arriving at the Triumph, I finally got to meet Fausta, who really did the heavy lifting to make the party happen. She is a delight, and the snazzy red heels were straight out of the Wizard of Oz. Very cool.

The place was full of old friends, whom I had met before: Suzette, TigerHawk, Shamrocketship, Mr. Surly (my son-in-law), KateSpot, and, of course, the incomparable Denny, the Grouchy Old Cripple, who motored in from Atlanta. There was lots of catching up going on.

I also got to meet some excellent new peeps, such as Eric of Classical Values, Judith of Kesher Talk, Joated of Compass Points, and Mr. Bingley of the Coalition of the Swilling. Time didn’t permit me to spend much time with Mary of Exit Zero or the Baron of Gates of Vienna, but I know there’ll be a next time to get to know them better.

The beer was outstanding as was the food, but blogmeets are mostly about blabbing, and there was plenty of that, for sure.

After the party broke up, those of staying at the hotel along with Mr. Surly returned to … you guessed it … da hotel bar for more chocolate vodka and bullshitting until the bar closed.

It was a great party.

Well, I survived another blogmeet, where I had fun meeting some old friends and making a few new ones.

I knew we would be in trouble when I saw that the hotel were we stayed in Princeton had Chocolate Vodka at the bar. The bartender had to keep going into the storeroom to get new bottles. Yeef!

Too tired and toxic to write at the moment.

It was a good time.