The world is making my hair hurt, so I think something that is just plain funny is in order.

I suspect that many of you have seen this already, but I’m sure that some of you have not. I have watched it probably a half-dozen times, and each time I have laughed out loud. Catherine Tate, a person until now unknown to me (and the others in the video, even though they don’t speak), are positively priceless.

Potential future President and Commander in Chief Hillary Clinton has supported various iterations of surrender “phased troop redeployment” in Iraq, she has demanded that all troops be out of Iraq prior to the end of the Bush’s administration, and, more recently, she has stated that, once elected, she will end the war in January 2009.

Apparently, she has again changed her military mind.

During a recent interview, the possible future Commander in Chief announced that, if elected, she will leave an unspecified number of troops in Iraq for an extended period of time, according to the New York Times, to “to fight Al Qaeda, deter Iranian aggression, protect the Kurds and possibly support the Iraqi military.” She noted that military forces would stay off the streets in Baghdad (no patrols) and would no longer try to protect Iraqis from sectarian violence — even if it descended into ethnic cleansing [emphasis mine].

Huh?

Will a determined Iran be “deterred” by the presence of a small number of American forces in country that are not doing much of anything?

Protect the Kurds? With how many troops? Wouldn’t a systematic attempt to annihilate the Kurds constitute ethnic cleansing, something she would order our troops to simply watch happen?

Will the American military have to check Terrorists’ ID Cards to see if they’re members of Al Qaeda before they would be permitted to fight them?

What if these Al Qaeda folks are in the streets of Baghdad (a place where our troops would not be permitted to go)? Would fighting them be permitted? Yes, because they are Al Qaeda? No, because they are in Baghdad?

What if these Al Qaeda folks engage in sectarian violence? Can Americans fight them? Yes, because they are Al Qaeda? No, because they are engaging in sectarian violence?

What if Al Qaeda folks engage in sectarian violence in the streets of Baghdad? Can Americans fight them? Yes, because they are Al Qaeda? No, because they are in Baghdad? No, because they are engaged in sectarian violence?

Exactly what will the American military personnel who are stationed Baghdad do if Baghdad descends into chaos and sectarian violence?

Perhaps they can play Parcheesi or musical chairs?

Folks, this is a woman who could end up being the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States. Can anyone who at least knows which end of a rifle the bullets come from think that is a good idea?

I am not a Barack Obama supporter, but I do thank him for one thing, and that is finally relegating Al Sharpton to the irrelevancy he has so long and so richly deserved.

Barry, I owe you a beer.

Note: As of this writing, “Reverand” Al is poised to pounce on a long-awaited grand jury verdict relating to a police shooting in New York City. Poor Al has been reduced to returning to street corner race baiting, but even at that he’s losing headlines to this pathetic excuse for a government official.

This Sunday, I watched the segment of Meet the Press that is known as something like “The Roundtable”, and it was as awful as ever. I often ask myself, Yo, Jimbo, why do you insist on driving your blood pressure to dangerous levels by watching any of the Blowhards on Sunday mornings?

I have no good answer other than to suggest that it is not unlike making the tip of one’s tongue raw by poking, poking, poking at a perceived irregularity in one’s tooth. It is also like the compulsion to pick at a scab.

I simply have to stop watching that crap. Therefore, I’ve decided that I would write the typical Roundtable, tack it to the refrigerator and give it a quick read on Sunday mornings instead of firing up NBC and further exposing myself to yet another life-threatening bullshit barrage. Feel free to tape/magnet it to your fridge. No charge.

Here ‘tis:

Timmy and the Blowhards

Tim Russert: Welcome. This is the segment of the program where we discuss this week’s news with a group of well-known journalists. On today’s panel are: Frank Rich, noted columnist and former Broadway Critic for the New York Times, Andrea Mitchell, veteran NBC Correspondent, Maureen Dowd, New York Times columnist, and Dana Priest, Pulitzer Prize winning reporter for the Washington Post.

Tim Russert: Well, it’s been a rough week for the President. His poll numbers are in the tank, the violence continues in Iraq, and even members of his own party, such as the Great and Learned Chuck Hagel, are turning on him.

Tim Russert: Frank, you’re a former Broadway critic, now colmunist, what do you think of Bush’s performance?

Frank Rich: Anything but boffo, Tim. I think that Bush is a hopeless lush and a war criminal.

Tim Russert: Very interesting and very important, Frank. Andrea, do you agree with Frank’s take on Bush?

Andrea Mitchell: Not completely, Tim. I think Bush is a cokehead and a war criminal.

Tim Russert: Thought provoking, Andrea. Maureen, what are your thoughts on the Bush Presidency?

Maureen Dowd: I think the Bushies are fine, but only if you like idiots, and neocon fascists whose actions are the reason why really smart and really hip people all over the world hate America.

Tim Russert: So, you don’t think he’s a war criminal?

Maureen Dowd: Oh yeah, war criminal? For sure, Tim.

Tim Russert: Dana Priest, you’ve written some excellent pieces on the egregious abuses of power by the Bush Administration. How do you view the Bush Administration?

Dana Priest: Tim, everyone, or perhaps I should say, everyone of any consequence absolutely knows that Bush is a dangerous, drug addled frat boy moron, who, as John Kerry so aptly put it, has made America an “International Pariah”.

Tim Russert: But is he a war criminal?

Dana Priest: Is the Pope Catholic, Tim? Oh, and before I forget, I want to let you know that I have obtained the complete military operational plans for the securing of Baghdad, which I will be publishing in a few days. Don’t miss it.

Tim Russert: That’s awesome, Dana. We’re looking forward to it.

Tim Russert: Well, there you have it. Thanks for tuning in. And, remember. If it’s Sunday, it’s Meet the Press.

I love woids. Depending on how they are selected and ordered, woids can serve as wonderful playthings or deadly weapons. My friend Brian, the Air Force Vet, brightened my day by sending me a terrific example of the former.

Enjoy!

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational for 2006, asking readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it’s a serious bummer

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling evemt of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs

2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained

3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk

5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent

6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown

7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp

8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash

9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run! over by a steamroller

10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline

11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam

12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists

13. Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist

14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there

You Are 56% NYC

You may call yourself a New Yorker, but there’s no way you’re a native.

How NYC Are You?

For the record, I do not call myself a New Yorker, nor do I care to. But, I suppose when one lives a tunnel/bridge away from the place all one’s life, some of it rubs off, sort of like Schmutz. (Only kidding, Erica.)

via Erica’s Blog

Senator Chuck Hagel

PRS: Senator Hagel, newspapers are reporting that this Monday you plan to announce your decision whether to seek the Republican Party’s nomination for the Presidency in 2008. Can you confirm that?

Hagel: That’s true; I do plan to make such an announcement.

PRS: Do you believe that you have a realistic chance of getting the Republican Party’s nomination?

Hagel: Of course I believe so, otherwise I would not even consider it. You don’t think I have a shot?

PRS: About as much of a chance as you have of sticking a feather up your ass and flying across the Atlantic Ocean.

Hagel: This interview is over!

PRS: Have a play date with Tim Russert, do you?

Hagel: I question your patriotism.

A Can of Wax Beans

PRS: So what’s up with you?

Can of Wax Beans: Well, I’m thinking of seeking the Republican Party’s nomination for the Presidency in 2008.

PRS: Wow. That’s impressive, you being a can of wax beans and all.

Can of Wax Beans: You think I have a shot?

PRS: Better than Chuck Hagel’s, I’d say.

Now, let me get this straight…….

Barack Obama comes into some decent money, namely $1.9 million for a book deal. Nicely done, Barry.

He decides to invest some of it. Smart move, I’d say.

Barry finds a broker and gives him authority to buy and sell stocks without his input. Another smart move, methinks.

His broker buys stocks in two speculative ventures, which happen to be backed by two of his top contributors. Say what? Of all the stocks for sale on all the exchanges in the world, your broker just happened to pick these two stocks? Quite a coincidence, I’d say.

One of the companies, AVI BioPharma, was in the process of developing a drug to treat avian flu. Such a drug would surely be a big money maker.

Two weeks after the AVI stock purchase, Barry becomes an advocate for increased federal funding to companies developing drugs to treat avian flu. Say what? Another coincidence? This is not sounding too cool, Barry.

Barry stated, ”At no point did I know what stocks were held, and at no point did I direct how those stocks were invested.”

Sorry, Barry, but that just pegged my Bullshit Meter.

Not to worry, though, Barry. You’re a democrat, so the story will be gone in a few days. If you were a Republican, the mainstream media would be all over you like a pack of jackals, and coverage would be relentless. No doubt, Chuck Schumer would find time to hold a press conference to call for the appointment of a special prosecutor.

Next time you might want to consider cattle futures.

This morning I was awakened to the news that two winning tickets for the $390 million lottery prize had been sold – one in Georgia and one in Jersey.

Yo, did the guy on the radio just say New Jersey?

As I strode to the computer to pull up the winning numbers, I could not help but think that vast riches were just a couple mouse clicks away. Oh yes, visions of an oceanfront mansion danced around in my cruller. Maybe I would treat the Usual Suspects to a trip to Hawaii to get away from the cold – Yeah, charter a plane – That’s the ticket!

I pulled up the numbers and checked them against my tickets. DENIED!!

I tossed my now worthless tickets into the trash and dragged my sorry ass off to work, hoping that if Catfish, Dax, Elisson, Kelley, Denny or Zonker bought the winning ticket sold in Georgia, he/she might just need a guitar pickin’ lawyer – maybe one from Jersey.

I’m still waiting for the call.